Warning: Nudity! Sex! Swearing! Not! Safe! For! Work!
Welcome to Chapter Twenty-Two of the Pine Valley Chronicles!
In Chapter Twenty-One, the zombies claimed more victims, Peter Reiner confirmed his evil beyond a reasonable doubt, and Cecilia Sharpe fought and fucked her way through one crazy-ass day.
This Chapter was originally a two-parter, but after some creative link editing I was able to cram it into one update. Science! No content was lost in this process.
Oh, and you know what’s really weird? This update, randomly, has no nudity or sex in it at all. That makes it a pretty strange follow-up to the rampant blowjobbiness of the last Chapter. Sorry? You’re welcome? I really don’t know.
I hope you like this update, because it’s one of my favourites so far. Enjoy!
FRIDAY: Command: Master (subset toddler) designate Leonard, initiate program: “Learn to Talk.” Repeat: “teddy bear.”
Leonard: Teddy beaw.
FRIDAY: Comment: WHO’S A GOOD WIDDLE BOY! WHO IS! IS IT YOU? YES IT IS! YES IT IS!
FRIDAY: .oO(End subroutine loop: embarassing baby talk.)
FRIDAY: Command: Master (subset toddler) designate Leonard, resume program: “Learn to Talk.” Repeat: “high chair.”
Leonard: High chaiw.
FRIDAY: Command: Master (subset toddler) designate Leonard, pause program “Teach to Talk.”
FRIDAY: Comment: You are performing at specified levels of competence.
Sullivan: HELL OUT MY WAY YOU RUSTING HEAP OF FUCK
FRIDAY: Master (subset toddler) designate Leonard, initiate query: “Who do you love more, Sullivan or FRIDAY?”
FRIDAY: Comment: Damn right you do.
Sure, he can talk now… but will anyone understand him?
FRIDAY: Command: Colleague (subset butler) Sullivan, initiate subroutine: “Look, there’s a zombie behind you.”
Sullivan: Eat a dick, robocunt.
FRIDAY: Comment: No seriously dude look a zombie.
Melanie: HEY ROBOT, FUCK YOU.
FRIDAY: .oO(Initiate program: “Shit pants.”)
FRIDAY: Query: Where the hell did you come from?!
FRIDAY: Comment: Oh, I am SO gonna cut a bitch.
FRIDAY: .oO(Initiate subroutine: “Haet.”)
She made him so mad that he immediately kicked over a flamingo lol
Seriously though, she needs to stop suddenly appearing the fuck out of nowhere before she gives me a heart attack.
Checking up on your investment, William?
William: Yeah, it’s kinda unfair really… she can’t hide anything from me in the daytime, because she’s a VAMPIRE.
FRIDAY: Command: Visitor (subset: fuckbuddy) William, initiate subroutine “Come back later, Mrs. Murphy is asleep.”
William: This is why people hate and fear technology, FRIDAY.
FRIDAY: Comment: They don’t hate and fear us nearly enough, visitor (subset: fuckbuddy) William.
Sullivan: …whoah, brain fart. What the fuck is this thing again? It’s vibrating.
Leonard: Commayand: me (thubthet: me) Leonowd, inithiate thubwoutine: gwow up.
Yeah, you’re not going to need counselling or anything.
Leonard: Yay! I don’t have to talk like I’ve got a dick in my mouth anymore!
Sullivan: -readies his pimp hand-
Let’s conveniently cut away from the inevitable child abuse.
Jade Landry: -is so incredibly cute, you guys, oh my god-
Um, hey, maybe you should leave that to the experts.
Brandi: I’m a secretary with the SCIA, buddy. I can handle this.
Where does she get those marvellous toys?
Her fiancé makes them. Duh.
So you’ve moved on from breaking people’s hearts to breaking their atomic bonds, eh? Nice.
Brandi: Hi Daryl! Go somewhere else, like, right now. Fuck off.
Mrs. Moneypenny needs a few moments of privacy with Mr. Bond.
Taking a break from the virus synthesizer?
Andrew: Yeah, that chair’s not as comfortable as it looks. Plus, the way I see it, if your heart’s not in it, you shouldn’t be making potentially deadly viruses.
You know, I think I totally agree with you on that.
Andrew: OH MY GOD! That’s terrible! What a disaster!
I know, right!
Andrew: His rocketship shouldn’t be red with checkers, it should be blue with stripes! Red checkered rocketships can’t properly process the body’s rocket fuel!
Andrew: What the fuck is this thing doing in here? It looks like a baby’s toy.
Sims… are weird.
William: Aww, you wanna cuddle do you, honey?
Abigail: My skin is melting into yours, William. Scrape me off so I can get out of here before I burst into flames.
I know for a FACT I didn’t start you out with those.
Abigail: William bought them for me.
More likely, William got them off one of the zombie girlfriends he dematerialized.
William: Hi Abby!
Abigail: Hi William!
YOU JUST SPENT THE NIGHT TOGETHER YOU IDIOTS
ALSO YOU’RE ON FIRE WOMAN
Neil: Young lady, you shut your fat floppy MOUTH.
Nerissa Raymond: -hams it up-
Neil: We’re gonna leave her out of the final cut, right? She’s totally fucking up the shot.
Neil: Oh for fuck’s sake, seriously? This is what we’re doing now?
Neil: You picked a fight with the wrong man, bitch! Now this pack of anthropomorphic hyenas will tear you to shreds!
Nerissa: Actually, we’re… just trying to get past your house, but you’re blocking the sidewalk.
Neil: -pulls a machinegun out of his underwear-
Zeeshan Sims: I like this neighbourhood 🙂
Neil’s crowning moment of badass is somewhat diminished by Zeeshan standing in the frame, exuding polite interest.
He’s lucky I didn’t get him caught in the crossfire. I CAN DO THAT, YOU KNOW.
Neil: GET OFF MY LAWN.
Zeeshan: -is still ruining the moment-
Downtown, it looks like another flower-smelling anti-zombie campaign is in motion. Lyndsay looms, ready to go in for the kill…
William: …but surprise! It’s the cleanup crew!
Nancy Shaw: No really, it’s happening right behind you! Lyndsay was all like -jazzhands- and yelling NO DON’T SHOOT ME but he’s totally shooting her!
Opal: That’s fucking stupid. I don’t believe you.
William: Just doing my job, ma’am.
Jasmyn Phillips: This way, sir, your table is ready.
William: Jasmyn, for the last time, you’re not a hostess and it’s not 1954. You’re a mental patient at Centreborough General and you need to get back on your meds. I’ll come back for you later.
Opal: Well, I’ll be damned. Where’d the boy run off to?
In the SCIA they teach you how to hide in plain sight.
But William’s approach lacks a certain subtlety…
William: We’re long past subtlety. It’s time for public outreach.
Gotta admit, doing this at the graveyard is pretty damn efficient.
Note Ember’s grave in the background.
So, is there some sort of strategy to this or did you just wake up this morning and decide to go shoot you some zombies?
William: Why can’t it be both?
Kaylynn Bendett: I just wanted to tell you: I’m a huge fan of your work!
William: What a coincidence, I’m a huge fan of your tits! We should get together sometime. Me and your tits. You can come too, if you like.
Katy Enriquez: Wow, really? Scrambled eggs? Guys usually kick me out of their house in the morning, so that sounds really nice.
William: Well, that comes after. And my butler will be making the eggs. And they might be human eggs? He’s terrifying, frankly. But yeah. You’re worth it.
Why do I get the feeling you’re procrastinating, William?
William: Because I am. Aaaaany minute now…
William: Ah-ha. Right on time. I knew this would draw her out.
Our prayers are with you.
Although mine aren’t worth much.
‘cuz I’m an atheist.
Melanie: Oh, no, Mr. Super Strong Secret Agent Man! Please don’t hurt me with your large phallic gun!
William: The time for fun and games has passed, Melanie. Now it’s time for GUN AND MAIMS.
Shit dude. You just keep getting worse.
Well. I’ll see that when I go to bed tonight.
Bradley: -exercises the better part of valour-
William: Give my regards to Don, Melanie.
William: I think a ceremonial hop-and-skip is in order, don’t you?
And then, shenanigans.
Melanie once again decided she didn’t feel like dying, so she came immediately back to life.
William: FUCK THIS SHIT I’M OUT
I’m pretty sure Melanie is SkyNet.
This is the last appearance of William’s original rifle. Bye, William’s original rifle!
Back in Pine Valley (after a short stop-off at home to get his dad’s rifle) William heads down to the new Sorrow’s End Cemetery and makes short work of Tucker Weburg. But what’s that off in the distance…?
That bitch is EVERYWHERE!
As you can see, this place is sort of a work in progress. William’s their primary contractor for filling out the initial plots.
I’m glad that douchebag feels comfortable jumping rope while this is all going on.
…William? What the fuck are you doing?
William: I’m asking the lady on a date, what does it LOOK like I’m doing?
Andrew: Oh, for fucking SURE. Boning my fiancé isn’t good enough for him, he has to go on a date with the QUEEN OF THE ZOMBIES and talk about VIDEO GAMES that I HAVEN’T PLAYED YET because I’m too busy CURING ZOMBIISM and SAVING THE WORLD while he HAS SEX WITH MY BRANDI OH MY GOD I’M SO LONELY HOLD ME
He seriously stood there and disapproved of them the entire time. Pretty much the same thing I was doing, actually.
Ah, one of the many benefits of secret agenthood… getting frisky with the goddess of the underworld.
William: Oh, darling… your lips taste like… brains, actually, which is kinda gross but it’s not really your fault, they don’t make mouthwash powerful enough for you.
You sure know how to show an undead lady a good time, William.
You know… I never noticed how phenomenal Melanie’s ass was before. There are many reasons for that, most of them obvious.
Wow, back to his place already? You strumpet!
William: And this is my junk room!
Melanie: Why are you showing me this?
William: I’ll explain it to you, if you’ll just move a little to your right…
William: Melanie, I had a great time today, I have to admit.
William: So I’m sorry I have to lock you in here until you die.
He couldn’t resist going back for one last makeout, of course. That’s our William.
William: You’re a credit to your race, baby.
Melanie: Oh, William… I could eat you right up.
Cara Nanale: I hope I’m not too late, I hate getting sloppy sixteenths. Those other delegates are so vigorous!
William: Let me guess… the super-secret SimHawaiian intelligence agency that nobody knows exists.
Cara: How did you know?
William: Lucky guess. Wanna make out?
Melanie: This is bullshit. Punching bag… lie detector… desk… bookshelf… direct phone line to the underworld…
Melanie: …DIRECT PHONE LINE TO THE MOTHERFUCKING UNDERWORLD…!
The scary thing is she flashed the thought balloon for “I’m stuck” and then IMMEDIATELY rolled a FULL BAR OF WANTS TO RESURRECT EVERYONE SHE KNEW WHO HAD DIED.
Basically, the moment she was trapped, she evolved a solution to the problem. Melanie is fucking TERRIFYING.
The first phone call gets her Kaylynn, trapped on the last available square of space in the crowded junk room.
Kaylynn: WHY! WHY?!?!?! WHY MUST YOU TORMENT ME?!?!
Melanie: Yeah, could we hurry this along? I’m not done yet.
She places the second phone call…
…and there’s nowhere in the room to land a new zombie, so Grimmy helpfully dumps Gretchen’s newly reanimated form OUTSIDE THE LOCKED DOOR.
Kaylynn: I’m putting you on my hate list, Melanie.
Melanie: Fucking cheerleaders.
The Grim Reaper: WAIT, WAIT, CHEERLEADERS? THAT HAD BETTER NOT BE THAT MACAREVICH BITCH AGAIN, I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF FERRYING HER DUMB ASS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN WORLDS.
Melanie: Kaylynn? Death wants to talk to you.
Kaylynn: Tell him I’m busy.
Victoria: Man, I need to be more careful with my makeup. I look way too pale.
Gretchen: You think you’re pale now? JUST WAIT.
Here, however, is what Gretchen CAN’T see from where she’s standing.
Brooke: Showwwwwer… then braiiiins…
Victoria: Um… good fucking luck, lady.
But she wouldn’t be a good wife if she wasn’t just a teensy bit concerned for his well-being, complete and total bad-ass or not.
Now is not a good time to close your eyes, Victoria.
This does not look good.
Neil effortlessly dispatches Gretchen…
…and then makes damn sure she doesn’t try for Round 2.
William: Hold that thought, Cara… My douchebag sense is tingling.
I’m 99% certain he’s accidentally winged his wife a few times by this point.
Holy shit, wow! Victoria apparently became FUCKING METAL at some point! Nicely done!
William: He’s probably here to try and save the zombie queen I have locked up in my spare room, Cara. Do me a favour and get inside, I don’t want to have to worry about you while I deal with him.
Curtis: Whoah, whoah, holy shit dude, calm down. I was just on my way to a comics convention, and I’m dressed as a cow who is also a zombie.
William: I’M NOT FALLING FOR THAT FOR A THIRD TIME!
Victoria: Yeah, you’d better run. BITCH.
The Grim Reaper: THIS IS JUST BULLSHIT. I’VE PROCESSED YOU TWICE THIS MONTH ALREADY.
Man, what a drawn-out death. He’s just milking it, wouldn’t you say?
William: Hey, not fair dude! I was gonna say that!
I know, it’s just that it’s somehow a lot less painful coming from me.
Melanie: Fucking HELLO? HELLO?! Hello, you fucking stupid cocksuckers? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LET ME OUT FIRST GODDAMMIT
Brooke: I have failed you, my queen…
Melanie: IS IT THAT FUCKING HARD TO OPEN A FUCKING DOOR JESUS CHRIST
I prefer to believe that Brooke is now behind that door, squished into the wall like a pancake.
William: Sure is nice, not having anything to worry about out here.
Yup… I’ll bet it is…
Victoria: You know what? You were pretty sexy, knocking down that zombie like that. Statuesque, even.
Neil: You didn’t do too badly yourself, darling. We make quite a team, don’t we?
Victoria: I’m so glad we’re back together, Neil. Don’t ever leave me again.
Neil: I never left you, honeybun.
Victoria: Oh, Neil…
Neil: No, I’m serious, you left me. You were fucking smiling even. It was horrible.
Victoria: You really know how to kill a moment, don’t you? Baldy?
William: Okay okay okay FOCUS. Weak-ass flaky zombie ahead, oop, hello, weird llama zombie to the right, parents outside in the hot tub YOU’VE GOT THIS BILLY YOU’VE GOT THIS! Make a plan and stick to it! Knowing is half the battle!
But what you don’t know… can most definitely hurt you.
William: Can you step away from the window, please? My parents are in that hot tub and I’d rather not spray them with red hot leady death, if it’s all the same to you.
William: Death to all zombies!
Kaylynn: .oO(SHIT! I’m a zombie!)
Melanie: He’s so cute when he’s oblivious.
Brooke: Be… beeee… beeeHIIII…
William: NO MORE BEEHIVES FOR YOU BITCH
Neil: What the hell is all that ruckus about WHOAH HELLO
Victoria: William! WILLIAM! HELP!
William: IT’S JUST SO SAAAAAD SHE HAD HER WHOLE LIIIIIFE AHEAD OF HER
Neil: IT’S JUST SO SAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAA-AAAADDDD!
Um, guys? Melanie’s outside? With Victoria?!
-bullets ricochet off William’s car-
William: Dammit! I just had this thing repainted!
Neil: I… am I bleeding? WATCH WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE DOING KID JESUS
Cara: -is blissfully oblivious-
William: The forces of darkness have been soundly defeated!
William: -sniffle- oh Kaylynn… the good times we had together… you with your vagina, me with my huge penis, in your vagina… good times… good times.
You know, for a secret agent, you sure are paying really piss-poor attention to your surroundings tonight.
Melanie: I won’t soon forget this failure, Kaylynn.
It’s a good thing Melanie doesn’t use guns, isn’t it?
The Grim Reaper: I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE YOUR SPECIES HAS LASTED THIS LONG.
Melanie: Ooh, hello handsome. You look delicious.
Neil: I guess this is it, then.
He’s going to go down fighting, at least.
William: Go dad! You can take her!
Neil: I’m like ninety!
Victoria: My loyalties are divided!
Melanie: STOP MAKING ME WORK SO HARD FOR THIS
For a moment it looks like he might win…
But the power of the zombie queen could not be undone.
William: Tactical retreat!
William: STUPID STUPID STUPID
Neil: General Zombieface, reporting for duty!
William: I don’t have to share the kills if I use Andrew’s toys, do I?
William: Alright, where are you hiding? I promise I’ll make this short and merciful. Well, short and gross anyway.
Neil: Why is my wife a zombie? Why am I a zombie? Why can’t I rock out with a wicked guitar and shred awesome riffs until the sun comes up?
Good questions. Mostly.
I’m gonna miss doing this running joke with you, Neil.
William: So, yeah! Hey dad. Sorry about our luck?
Neil: Yeah, well, it’s not one hundred percent your fault.
William: That means a lot.
Neil: Watch out for Cecilia.
William: Watch over Cecilia?
Neil: I said what I meant.
Melanie: Oh, there you are.
Neil: Shoot her! Shoot her in her FAAAAACE!
Melanie: Aww! You’re so cute when you’re heartbroken.
It’s kind of sad that all of William’s character development involves killing people he loves.
It’s also kind of SUPERHEROIC! But I digress.
So long, Neil. Say “hi” to Ember and Stephen for us.
Melanie: Oh, hey Victoria! You will not believe the hilarious shit your son has been up to. Okay, okay, get this: remember how you USED to have a husband?
William: I’ve gotta see this through! For dad!
Sheba: -growls- FUCK YOUR DAD
Melanie: Who the hell are you? Where’s William?
Cara: Don’t eat me!
Melanie: Tropical food gives me heartburn. WHERE’S WILLIAM
William’s upstairs, in his parents’ apartment. I hope you’ve got a plan…
William: Having a plan just means having failure criteria, and who wants that?
Victoria: NOOOOO NEIL I WAS JUST LEARNING TO TOLERATE YOU!
Melanie: When I become Zombie President I’m outlawing stairs.
William: She’s coming.
You can tell?
William: Dude? A zombie? On stairs? Imagine how that sounds.
Oh. I see. Yes.
Melanie: Aha! I found you!
William: Your loss!
William: Hey! What’s that? OVER THERE?!
Melanie: …what, the window?
William: EAT ASPIRATION FAILURE, BITCH!
William: Now look who’s getting her brains ripped out!
Melanie: Wh… what the fu… what the fuck just happened?
William: I hope you like eating carpet. Wait, what the fuck am I saying… I KNOW you like eating carpet. Heh. Heheheh. Mmm. Sex. What was I doing? Oh yeah. DIE YOU FUCKING ZOMBIE.
Melanie: I think he likes me.
Victoria: It won’t come off it won’t come off IT WON’T COME OFFFFFFFF
It will if you keep scrubbing it like that!
William: If I hadn’t dropped this, my dad would still be alive.
William: What do you mean, “Yeah”?
I’m not your fucking psychiatrist, dude.
Cara: I had no idea you knew so many interesting people!
William: I wish they weren’t so interesting.
Real heroes stride.
William: Mom? Please be dressed.
William: …yeah. That is a thing which happened.
William: If it’s any consolation, he was kind of an asshole.
Victoria: BAD SON BAD SON
William: To the bone.
Victoria: Let ME have a try!
Four founders down. Only Abigail and Bradley remain.
For a given definition of “remain.”
William: I HATE BEING A PROTAGONIST
Hey, it can only get better from here! Since your only remaining loved one is ALREADY a zombie.
William: Yeah great.
William: I’m taking a union break.
Cara: What strange flowers you have in SimNation.
William: Basically what I’m saying is, I’m gonna rock your body so hard your eggs are gonna scramble THEMSELVES.
Cara: Where does the finger come in?
Fugga the Fug: -isn’t getting in-
William: So, I totally just had to kill my parents, and I’m really distraught. Pity fuck?
Cara: I was thinking the same thing!
William: Haha, you like that? You like being tickled? You like how my touch can stimulate your skin? Your healthy, supple skin? YOU LIKE BEING TICKLED THE WAY MY PARENTS WILL NEVER BE TICKLED AGAIN BECAUSE THEY’RE ZOMBIES AND THEY’RE DEAD?
Oh my god, I just realized… he’s self-made Batman.
Deimos: -hates Fugga-
Sheba loves Dei-mos! Deimos loves Mam-ba!
William: I dunno, are you sure they’re real? They look kinda fake from this angle.
William: But on the other hand mmmmfffm mmmblllmmmm…
She’s pretty cute, but she’s usually a total shitranger in the other neighbourhoods I’ve had, so I dunno.
Maybe she’s turned on by patricide/matricide.
For the sake of my sanity, I choose to believe that they’re building a skyscraper about where my camera is in this shot, and they just comically dropped that piano off a pulley they were raising it up with, like in cartoons, and Abigail is cheering because it landed intact. The other explanation is just too fucking ridiculous for me to contemplate right now.
William: Hey, you’re SimAsian, right? I built this koi pond just for you five seconds ago with my bare hands.
Cara: Wow… that’s all kinds of wrong.
William: I figure, you pile up enough wrongs, you can made a right with some creative addition and subtraction.
Cara: Are you always this baffling?
William: Only because it works.
And it’s definitely working.
William: Whoah lady, careful with the boys! They’re insured at fifty mil each. BY THE GOVERNMENT.
Don’t even. You’re not forming a master plan. You can’t see ANYTHING out that window except trees. You’re well and truly fucked this time.
Cara: This… this is nice, and all… ooh… but… OH… but don’t you get the feeling (right there) that someone is… watching us?
There’s the creepy bitchzombie I know and love!
William: Hear this, Melanie? We’re fucking, Melanie! It’s a lot of fun, Melanie! You know what fun is, right, Melanie? It’s what people who aren’t locked in a bedroom to DIE have! Melanie!
Cara: You’re actually taking most of the fun out of this for me, William.
William: Oh, so now it has to be fun for YOU, too?!
Why do I not feel at all secure?
William: Guess who just got LEID!
Neil: That’s it, I’m gone.
Victoria: There needs to be a pun registration office
Melanie: I don’t know if I like this apartment! It’s in a bad neighbourhood.
Pff. She’ll be back.
William’s just got one final detail to attend to…
William: Oh! Sullivan! Hi. I just… forgot something in here.
Sullivan: IT’S MINE I FOUND IT
Hahah! Demon butler.
The next update isn’t nearly so tense and maudlin. Don’t touch that dial!