The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Twenty-One

Warning: Nudity! Sex! Swearing! Not! Safe! For! Work!

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Welcome to Chapter Twenty-One of the Pine Valley Chronicles!

I return! In Chapter Twenty, Cecilia murdered her parents, William resurrected them, and the Murphys started making progress on the zombie cure!

This is going to be the most nudity-intensive update yet, and the naked people are going to be doing awful things. What can I say? The entire chapter focuses on the three most depraved people in the neighbourhood. You’ve now had your fair warning.


The Charnel House is certainly hoppin’ lately.

You know, I find Melanie frightening no matter what she’s doing now. Even with a silly hat on.

She’s MAKING COOKIES here, people.

I don’t think I’m talented enough to give this picture the caption it deserves.

Cameron doesn’t live there anymore, buddy. She left because she hates you.

Joseph: -limps home, heartbroken-

Melanie: -menacingly reads a book-

You see? You see what I mean? NO MATTER WHAT SHE’S DOING.

Brooke Reeves: Is she… reading a book? She can’t be all that bad if she’s reading a book, right?

HITLER READ BOOKS.

Brooke: Whoa, hold on a second, snowflake in my eye. What’s going on?

Kent Fuchs: -queues-

This neighbourhood is full of stupid Fuchs.

Yeah, because what she needs at this point is encouragement.

Kent: Man, those yellow teeth really set off your rotting grey skin. It’s a very flattering effect.
Brooke: .oO(Suckup…)

Brooke: I hate sycophantic behaviour in a man!

Brooke: I won’t tolerate it!
Melanie: Let me know how it works out, kids. I think I’m almost at Edward and Bella’s sex scene.

Yurgh. There’s no accounting for taste.

Kent: -ascends to godhead-

Have you noticed that whenever one of my Sims stops to look up in wonder at the falling snow…

…something really bad is about to happen to them?

Melanie’s fights are so quick and the conclusion is so foregone that it’s really quite boring.

Snow Cursor: -is bored-

What up, girl?

Vanessa Tan: My friends dared me to come down here. They say this place is haunted.

Oh, that’s silly. There’s no such thing as ghosts.

Penguins, sure.

And zombies with penguins, well, that’s just plain obvious.

But ghosts? Gimme a break.

Vanessa: This is a really lovely hole in the ground you have, Mrs. Lillard. I especially like the sense of seeping unearthly horror just below the pristine white snow.
Melanie: You noticed! 😀

That’s about how fast the fight was.

Squint as hard as you like, dear. You’re still in a hellhole, and you’re still a zombie.

Vanessa: Actually, I blinked and my eyelids stuck this way.

Ah. Carry on, then.

Where the fuck did you come from?

Yoosung Huffman: Ohhh yeah! Ten thousand points for displacing the villagers and making their island into a tourist trap!

That game is stupid.

How are you at more physical contests?

Daryl: Ohhhh….

Worried?

Daryl: Worried? Do you not see all that dust?

You know what they say, curiosity killed the fucking stupid townie.

Vyn GilsCarbo: Hey, question… there’s snow on your fun hat. How are you not getting electrocuted?
Melanie: I am. Constantly.
Vyn: Isn’t that a problem, what with your heart being electrical…?
Melanie: My heart’s in a jar under my bed. What the fuck kind of freak are you?

Yoosung: -tries desperately to continue playing pinball-

Gretchen: Vyn, if we all die of old age waiting for this fight to end… I just want you to know…
Vyn: Yes? YES?
Gretchen: …I’m sorry my breasts sloughed off into your tracksuit.

Who says teens these days are lazy?

Daryl: -hack kaff- MY ASTHMA!

Yoosung: -immediately resumes pinball position-

Wow, that’s pretty embarassing. Especially when you consider that Vanessa has been in precisely one fight in her entire life, and she lost it…

That’s the face of a man who just remembered that he’s got a roofie in his jacket.

The storm is passing.

Thirty something years on, and the Prices have traded SimHawaiian squatters for zombie squatters.

At least Chelsea’s muse didn’t desert her over a silly little thing like death.

Vicki Gothier: I don’t think I like your new butler, guys.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep coming up with things to say about zombies jumping on people?

Ooh, right on the sidewalk, that’s gotta smart.

Um… Peter? Peter? What the fuck are you doing?

Chelsea? Maybe you ought to go see what your boyfriend is up to.

Chelsea: I’ve gotta go to work.

He has a machine gun.

Chelsea: And I have a mortgage.

No you don’t.

Peter: Damn Kaylynn, it’s hard to kill you when you’re so hot.
Kaylynn: Then… like… don’t kill me?

Kaylynn: NO SERIOUSLY DUDE DON’T KILL ME WHAT THE FUCK

Well, I guess we know what turns Peter on now.

He’s got Wants to “See the Ghost of…” everyone on the lot except Chelsea.

Meet the new supervillain, as scary as the old supervillain.

The Grim Reaper: THOSE IDIOTS IN RECORDS… I’VE ALREADY GOT YOU ON MY LIST LIKE THREE TIMES, WOMAN. HOW OFTEN CAN ONE PERSON DIE?

Farewell, Kaylynn. We’ll miss you. Again.

Dude, I think you need a new hobby.

It’s hard to tell, but that’s his brother Randy. Again.

Peter: Dude, what the fuck happened to you?
Randy: -snrrk- Disintegration ray.
Peter: Harsh, dude.

They hate each other.

It’s hard to imagine why, really.

The Grim Reaper: WELL, I MIGHT AS WELL USE THE FACILITIES WHILE I’M HERE. –squats-

You’re positively evil.

Irredeemably, even.

This is seriously all he ever wants to do.

Coming this summer to a theatre near you: The Man Who Slew Too Much.

Kaylynn didn’t even get a chance to take her stupid mask off this time.

The Grim Reaper: OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

Gonna clean up after yourself, at least?

…wow. You’re charming.

Peter: FUCK YOU RANDY

I don’t think Randy owes you anything at this point…

Oh, good. Bradley’s home from work.

Sean Day: So… does this mean you DON’T want a subscription to Young Sims Magazine?

Bradley: So… how was your day?
Peter: Oh, not bad. Murdered this cheerleader and my brother like three times each, got my employers at ENTROPY to pay off the cops so they don’t interfere.

Bradley: You’re a horrible little man and I despise you.

His attempt to fix the situation with a well-placed tickle fails miserably. I could have told you that, dude…

Peter: What the fuck? I’m a zombie, old man. I have no fucking feeling in my skin! You’re gonna regret this.

Oh, it’s on.

…or not.

Peter: Yeah, I find cover-up works pretty well at hiding rot around the eye socket.

I’m glad your hobby doesn’t involve machine guns or brains, at least.

Yeah, he’s a regular fucking angel.

Clarence: Hey, Cecilia, dad dropped me off WHOAH. WHOAH.

Cecilia: Your dad and I have some unfinished business, Clarence. You mind turning around for a moment?
Clarence: Yeah, fuck this. Sorry dad.

Clarence: .oO(Just keep telling yourself she’s worth it and it will eventually become true…)

Sorry Brady, but Cecilia doesn’t like loose ends.

Cecilia: Plus I think murdering people is fucking hilarious.

Yeah, that too.

Clarence: Sooo…
Cecilia: Yeah…
Clarence: You just sorta killed my dad… with an axe…
Cecilia: Yeah… if it’s any consolation, I killed my dad with an axe, too.
Clarence: I guess that’s fair… sort of… not really.

Plus, it wasn’t an axe, it was fire. She killed her mom with an axe.

Cecilia: You’re right, I lied. I’ll probably go to hell for it, you think?

Good point, well made.

Cecilia: Think you could hurry your shit up, buddy? The bus is coming soon.

School Bus: BEEP BEEP -pulverizes Brady’s tombstone-

Brady: Hey, thanks a lot, asshole. Real fucking nice. You’re a nice guy. You and me, we’re fucking done professionally.

After school, Clarence stops by to chat about that whole “killed his father with an axe” thing.

Cecilia: Sexing time!
Clarence: How come we waited until we were legal?
Cecilia: If you break all the laws, it stops being meaningful.

And also I’m not posting kiddie porn.

Cecilia: There is that.

Clarence: Oh baby… your eyes are like…
Cecilia: Yes?
Clarence: …like you’re an evil serial killer. Look, you just murdered my dad okay, I’m sort of preoccupied right now.

Christ, you could at least try to enjoy yourself, dude.

I guess that counts.

Wow, don’t strain yourself. A little happiness goes a long way.

Clarence: Hey, you killed your parents, right?
Cecilia: Yeah.
Clarence: …so they don’t need that van anymore? Because that van is boss.

Cecilia: I love you, Clarence. Don’t ever get any smarter.

Cecilia: Mmm… you know what, this is a lot like eating a hotdog.
Clarence: Uh… please don’t get too involved in that fantasy, okay, honey?

Cecilia: Mmf… heh… yeah, not likely, this hotdog tastes terrible. Be a dear, go into the kitchen and get me some mustard.
Clarence: Okay, first off: no. Second, why can’t YOU go?
Cecilia: Um… duh? I’m eating this hotdog.
Clarence: That hotdog is my PENIS and it’s ATTACHED to me.
Cecilia: Yeah, but not by much. One quick bite…
Clarence: This is not how I imagined my first time going.

The Sims! She’s almost thirty years old and he’s like sixty because he’s been an NPC paperboy since the neighbourhood was initialized. And the teen age lasts fucking FOREVER.

We have got to do something about your hair.

Philip Beckett, Zombie Zombie Hunter: -is still fail-

Life’s pretty good when you’re a nymphomaniacal teen murderess, I guess. What’s got you so excited?

Cecilia: I have a date this evening!

With Clarence?

…not with Clarence, then. Alright…

Franklin: Holy fucking SHIT. She is SO FUCKING HOT. Why didn’t you introduce me to her sooner?

You’ll… probably figure that out for yourself soon, dude.

Cecilia: Oh, for the love of… look, I’m on a date, so we’re gonna have to make this quick. You stay here…

Cecilia: …and I’ll be right back!
Franklin: Cecilia? CECILIA?!
Cecilia: Ask him to blow bubbles with you, Franklin. Zombies love bubbles.
Franklin: But I’m straight-edge!
Cecilia: Improvise, Franklin! IMPROVISE!

Franklin: Um… okay… look… you don’t wanna… um… I HAVE AIDS! In my brain! Is that a thing? OH MY GOD CECILIA HURRY THE FUCK UP

Cecilia: …he’ll be totally alright, yep. Not worried.

TWO HOURS LATER…

Cecilia: Hang in there, Frank! I’m a-comin’!

Cecilia: WHEW! Man, that thing’s heavy!
Franklin: Um… little help here?

Cecilia: Naw, you’re doing great, honey! Woo!

Cecilia: Yeah! Lure him into that false sense of security! Fuckin’ A!

Franklin: Dammit Cecilia, you’re so fucking stupid…

Justus What what, in the butt!
Franklin: FUCKING HELL

I’ve been on worse dates than this.

Edit: Like fuck you have, you virgin.

Cecilia: Hey, I’m really sorry it had to turn out this way. For what it’s worth, you were totally gonna get laid tonight.

I’m sure that will be a great comfort to his family, Cecilia.

Justus: -has a sudden sense of foreboding-

Cecilia: Hey, Grimmy-boy! Long time no see!
The Grim Reaper: IF ONLY.

The Grim Reaper: IT’S LIKE THEY ONLY WANT ME WHEN THEY NEED TO SHUFFLE SOMEONE OFF THIS MORTAL COIL. IT’S SO DEPRESSING.
Justus: Man, I hear you. People are always like “Oh no, don’t eat my brains” and it’s like, um, hello? I’m a ZOMBIE. I eat brains. It happens. Deal with it.
The Grim Reaper: SERIOUSLY.

The Grim Reaper: WE’LL TALK LATER.

Career day at Pine Valley High is attended solely by gravedigging companies.

Cecilia has decided that the biggest problem in her life is that she isn’t hot enough. She asks the genie to fix that for her.

Some people have bigger problems, Cecilia.

Cecilia: OH MY GOD I DON’T GET ENOUGH SOCIAL INTERACTION

Gee, I wonder why. Could it be because YOU MURDER EVERYONE YOU MEET?!

Clarence: This week has been variable in quality.

Cecilia: Aww, is yo widdle daddy dead? Is he? Coochie-coochie-coo!
Clarence: AHAHAHAH you’re evil.

Cecilia: I’m just gonna reach into this bag and fondle your papers, baby. Rawr!
Clarence: That’s… yeah, that’s not doing a fucking thing for me, I’ve gotta say.

Cecilia: What’s taking him so long?

He’s probably admiring all the tombstones on your front patio.

Clarence: I’m going to hell for this, but it’s totally worth it.

Laci II: SQUAWK she went on a date with somebody else and then murdered him SQUAWK
Clarence: Man, doesn’t your parrot know how to say anything that makes sense yet?
Laci II: SQUAWK fuck you kid SQUAWK

Laci II: SQUAWK slut SQUAWK

Cecilia: Hey Clarence, why did your father cross the road?
Clarence: I dunno, why?

Cecilia: BECAUSE HIS CORPSE WAS STUCK TO THE WHEEL OF THE SCHOOLBUS!

Clarence and Cecilia: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Clarence: Seriously though, that’s fucked up.

Have I lose you all yet? No? Wow, you’re more resilient than I thought. Next update will be a two-parter, as the forces of good finally get their shit together and accomplish some things! Don’t miss it.

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