The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Twenty

Warning: Nudity! Sex! Swearing! Not! Safe! For! Work!

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Welcome to Chapter Twenty of the Pine Valley Chronicles!

In Chapter Nineteen, William Sharpe and Abigail Murphy became lovers as the zombie apocalypse crawled inexorably forward.

Here’s where I usually say something pithy. Enh.

I think you’ve lost whatever credibility you might once have had.

It’s three o’clock. Do you know where your zombie children are?

Hey, William. What’re you doing here?

William: Observing.

Cecilia is brutally efficient. Come home, put your homework in the garage, get your axe…

Really? You’re shocked? After she already did this to your brother and sister?

The average Sim may have up to ten children. This is a survival mechanism, as very few survive to maturity.

I’m sorry you had to die, Faith, but you really did bring this on yourself.

Cecilia, on the other hand, is not sorry at all.

Cecilia: Oh, hi William! I can explain! If you’ll just come into my secret death cave behind my private bathroom…
William: Sounds lovely, Cecilia, but it won’t be necessary.

William: I’ve been watching you, and so have… certain interested parties.
Cecilia: Oh my god! Did I get accepted for SimNational Idol? I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life!
William: …yeah, no. The government wants you to kill zombies for them. You’ll be cleared of any wrongdoing.
Cecilia: Well, that’s almost as good. As long as I get to keep using my axe.

The Grim Reaper: SILKY SMOOTHE ON MY FEET.

Brady: Hey, you’re right. I feel like I know her better already!

Hilariously, Faith’s carpool arrives.

Faith: Hey, sorry obnoxious anonymous carpool woman! I can’t make it in to work today, because I’m dead.
Obnoxious Anonymous Carpool Woman: Oh, sure. Like we haven’t all heard THAT one before.

Cecilia tries to give William her ReNuYu Porta-Chug, but he refuses because apparently he hates her. And he hates CURING THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE too. Thanks William!

Cecilia: Okay! Bye William!
William: Bye Cecilia!
Both: -HATE-

Cecilia: So, I’ve got this new friend, he’s a paperboy…
Victoria: Why are you naked?
Cecilia: Because I’m eighteen so it’s legal. Anyway this dude’s penis is, like, ten feet long, so I was wondering if I could go out tonight.

Victoria: I appreciate your revolting honesty, but there is no fucking way that is going to happen.

Cecilia: Aww… I was just starting to like you, Fake Mom.

Cecilia: So this is going to hurt me almost as much as it’s going to hurt you.

Victoria: OH MY GOD! YOU’VE GOT AN AXE! I DIDN’T KNOW WE HAD A FIREPLACE! I BET YOU’RE GOING TO GO CHOP WOOD FOR THAT FIREPLACE I DIDN’T KNOW WE HAD!

Cecilia: Hey, I know this might not be exactly the right time to ask, but… I am in your will, right?

Whuck.

Victoria: Girl killed me with an axe, Neil. How weird is that?

Cecilia: YES! Now I can ask Dad to go out, and when he’s all like “Did you ask your mother?” I can be all like “My mother’s dead” and he’ll be all like “I meant Victoria” and I’ll be all like “So did I.”

Cecilia: Haha the funny thing is if you weren’t such a stone cold bitch you would have been the first person in the neighbourhood to die peacefully of old age!

On second thought, that’s not funny at all.

Neil really doesn’t think it’s funny.

Neil: Cecilia! CECILIA! I saw what you did through the window, Cecilia! Let me in there!

Cecilia: Hmm… better not do it from this side. I’d have to wait for the flames to die down before I could go bowling.

Cecilia: Hi dad! 😀

Cecilia: BYE DAD.

-click-

Neil: THERE IS NO WAY THIS DAY COULD GET WORSE

Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Neil: I have a vague impression that something bad is happening.

Neil: BUT I DON’T CARE BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DEAD D:

Okay, this is way too depressing.

Are you seriously determined not to notice this, dude?

Neil: HOLY FUCKING SHIT I’M ON FIRE

About fucking time.

Neil: WHYYYYY?

Why what?

Neil: Why is everyone always naked in this neighbourhood? Why did the Llamas win the pennant instead of the other Llamas? WHY ARE THESE DOORS LOCKED?!

You’re in the zombie killing room, Neil.

Neil: Yeah, but… why are the doors locked? Zombies can’t open doors!

You’re thinking about Velociraptors, Neil. Also, that’s wrong.

Neil: You can’t let me die! I’m a main character! I’ve only had three wives! IT’S TOO SOON!

Dude, at this point, you’re pretty much C-list. I’d help you if I could, but there’s nobody to plead for you.

Cecilia is working though her grief in the usual way.

I’m sure she’s crying on the inside.

Brady: Oh, for fuck’s sake. Not this shit again. Why do we even HAVE an immolation room if this shit is going to keep happening?

Brady: I guess it’s too late to ask for a letter of recommendation, eh…?

STOP!
Hammer time.

Brady: -sticks his face into the fire jet-

What is this, your Wrath of Khan Spock impression?

Brady: My gloves! My beautiful perfect white immaculate GLOVES!

Priorities.

The Grim Reaper: I HAVE GOT TO GET A PIC OF THIS.

Brady: HELP HELP OUR FIRE ROOM IS ON FIRE
Kacper: Come again?

Cecilia: Time for Plan A.

Don’t you mean Plan B?

Cecilia: It’s just an Axe, not a Battleaxe.

Oh, okay. Gotcha.

Yes, let’s do that trailing fire all over the house thing again. That was so much fun last time.

Cecilia: Hello. My name is Cecilia Phelps. I killed my father. Prepare to die.

Cecilia: Well fuck.
Kacper: EYES FORWARD KACPER REMEMBER YOUR PAROLE CONDITIONS

Once again, it’s Fireman Kacper to the rescue.

With the deaths of Neil and Victoria, only two of our six Founders remain: Abigail and Bradley.

But they did not die in vain…

…because now Cecilia can ask Clarence to pick her up for a night on the town. Yay!

Cecilia: Enh, fuck it. Busy night, nap time.

Wow, I guess paper routes don’t pay all that well.

Cecilia: Maybe I should have asked my dad first.

I’m glad you learned something from all this.

Franklin: I want to put this food in the ‘fridge before it spoils.
Stewart: I want to get breakfast.
Sullivan: I want to obstruct you. FUCKERS.

I saw Mallory Couderc walking by, and her name is awesome, so Franklin gets sent out to greet her.

She has a favourite topic, our Mallory.

Franklin’s not that into it.

And he decides to show her.

Franklin: This is what an attractive person looks like.

Franklin: So… you wanna talk?

Mallory: No, I don’t want to talk.

Mallory: I want to talk.

Excellent. She’s insane.

Mallory: Like a fox!

Franklin: Like a fire fox!

PERHAPS YOU SHOULD GO INSIDE NOW.

Stewart: Your mammary glands are exemplary!
Mallory: Oh my gosh, you think so? All my teachers say the same thing! I wish I knew what it meant.

Yoosung: -livin’ the dream-

Eureka! Abigail has fulfilled one of the most difficult and important conditions of the zombie plague cure: she’s built a Servo, who will incubate the retrovirus!

His name is FRIDAY: Free-range Retrovirus Incubator Designed by Abigail Young.

Start ‘er up! FRIDAY is maxed in all skills, because he takes Abigail as his template.

She takes a minute to survey her handiwork…

… and then tries to make him into a zombie. How…? Don’t ask.

The iconic rivalry between robots and zombies often ends poorly for both.

…are we all present at the birth of a new meme? God, I hope not. I don’t know if I could live with myself.

Thankfully for all Simkind, FRIDAY prevails and makes good his escape.

Andrew’s been toiling away at his zombiism cure for days (read: years) now, with little success. He’s decided to take a short break and try to fulfill one of the other conditions: capturing a zombie. Unfortunately, his chosen zombie brings a friend…

Andrew: Cameron! Hey, Cameron. You’re looking beautiful.
Daryl: .oO(What the hell has he been smoking?)

Cameron: Oh, remember back in freshman year, when…
Andrew: Just a second, honey. Gotta swat a bothersome fly.
Daryl: -is sanguine-

Andrew: Now, try not to look. If my calculations are correct, it’s really, really fucking gross.

It’s your own fault for falling in love with ugly zombies.

Notice that smoke? It’s Andrew teleporting upstairs.

In what used to be his private laboratory’s bathroom, Andrew calls out to Cameron…

…and she crosses the threshold into his home.

Cameron: Hey… what did you call me up here for? This is… AHAHAHA… like… AHAHAHAHAHA… an empty AHAHAH bathroom ahaha?

Andrew: You’re looking very beautiful today, Cameron.
Cameron: -blushes-

Cameron hands over her ReNuYu Porta-Chug to help him with his experiments…

…which I’m sure makes him sorry that he has to lock her in this bathroom for the next few years.

Door: -slams-
Lock: -clicks-

Have a good night’s sleep in your illicit sex-tent, Brandi?

Brandi: Oh, we weren’t sleeping much.

I bet.

William: Hey stupid, I brought you this StarGate.

Okay, it’s an ElectroDanceSphere. It also teleports you to an alien planet sometimes. I stand by my original statement.

Man… the muscles this guy must have.

Pockets?

Speaking of William… sorry to hear about your parents, dude…

Man, rich people. Is there any problem they can’t buy their way out of?

Neil: Oh yeah! Back in black, baby!

It’s heartwarming until you realize that he probably pulverized his hip when he landed.

William: -warms his hands on the very fires of hell-

Neil might be an inveterate ladies man, but he knows what’s more important to him now…

His wife! His fourth wife. Who is also his first wife. Let’s not call her any of those things, it’s confusing.

Victoria: Wow, that’s amazing! I’ve even got my arthritis back!

Good for you.

Victoria: -imaginary jackhammer-

William got Wants to Resurrect his parents the moment Cecilia murdered them both, and while he’s thrilled to have them back… I’m not. Resurrection resets their age to the beginning of the current life stage, so they’re both just barely elders with long dull lives ahead of me. Of them.

Of me.

Vanessa Chen: I hope General Sharpe is available. We need to nip this rogue killer thing in the bud.

Christ, news travels fast; he’s only been alive for an hour. Well… maybe news travels really SLOW and they don’t even know he died?

William: Hey, another complementary chick! What SimAsian country are you from? SimManchuria? SimFormosa? I hope you brought a change of clothes.
Vanessa: …I’m here to talk to the General? About his sociopathic daughter? On behalf of…
William: Some intelligence agency I’ve never heard of with a stupid acronym. Yeah, whatever. I’m in charge of the zombie situation, so what say you step into my parlor and we can fuck about it?
Vanessa: I think you mean talk about it.
William: Do I share my misconceptions with you?

Neil’s too busy making the most of his new lease on life anyway.

Vanessa: You want to WHAT? In my WHAT? With WHAT? That’s DISGUSTING! And impossible… AND DISGUSTING!

He immediately says goodbye lol

Tristen: Hi, I guess you’re new here. What happens is I show up, and I steal the newspaper, and William maybe comes out and shakes his fist and yells, but I escape, and it’s revenge.
Victoria: Tell it to your pimp, bitch. Off my lawn. Git.

Tristen: I’m totally gonna kick the garbage can. Totally gonna do it, lady.
Victoria: Go ahead. Kick the garbage can. Send it back to god. And I’ll send you along with it! My son has a machinegun, you know.

Since the elder Sharpes are living with William now, it’s time to build a second story apartment. Victoria consults the supernatural authorities about getting a loan.

I hope the supernatural authorities are going to pay for the hole they just punched in my chess table awning.

I’m starting to think that the SimAsian intelligence community is spying on William.

Okay, this is getting way too fucking dangerous. I’m picturing two men weeping at the flattened corpse of the richest dead woman in town.

Good girl, Sheba. Good girl!

Talin Vijayakar: Hello, Mr. Sharpe. I’m here from SCS-
William: Holy shit! Your fucking NOSE dude!
Talin:…yes. Indeed. I’m here from SCSIS, the SimCanadian Security Intelligence Service, and…
William: And you’re the winner of the International Society of Ugly Secret Agents’ annual FUCKING UGLIEST SECRET AGENT EVER AWARD?!
Talin: …well… yes, but I don’t see how that’s relevant.
William: Why didn’t you guys send a hot woman for me to bone like everyone else did?
Talin: Dude, are you serious? SIMCANADA. We blew our entire intelligence budget this year on my trenchcoat.
William: Damn poor showing, this. I expected better of you, Stalin.
Talin: Talin.
William: What’s that? I can’t hear you over the sound of you not being an attractive woman.

Abbey: I don’t suppose you’d believe that I’m the delegate from the SimZombieLand Bureau of Investigation?
William: What do you take me for, a fool? SimZombieLand doesn’t HAVE a Bureau of Investigation. They osmote their intelligence by eating brains.

William: You can take solace in the fact that your death will be at least 100% more awesome this way than it would otherwise have been.
Abbey: That’s not much solace. That’s, like, the smallest measurable amount of solace.

Abbey: OH MY GOD YOUR MAILBOX IS RUSTY

Abbey: ALSO MACHINEGUN

Just when you thought he was going soft…

Talin: AHAHAH! I FOOLED YOU, MR. SHARPE! SimCanada doesn’t even HAVE a secret service! They have no secrets! Silly man! I am actually a member of ENTROPY, the evil world-dominating criminal syndicate dedicated to the SimNation’s complete destruction. I distracted you long enough for our top operative to kick over your garbage can, thus spilling its toxic contents all over your sidewalk, thus distracting you from solving your region’s zombie problem! A bit. Kinda.
William: Well played, Mr. Vija… Vikajijgga… Vijak… IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME. I only want to know one thing…
Talin: And that would be?
William: What’s ENTROPY stand for?
Talin: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL.
William: You monster.

Tristen: I’M SO SAD THAT YOU CHEATED ON ME LIKE A THOUSAND YEARS AGO

Yeah, why ARE you still Furious? It’s been forever.

Tristen: YOU DROVE ME TO THIS WILLIAM

It was you, okay? I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!

I do think it’s funny that her name is Tristen and she’s always crying, though.

William: Hey, Tristen. Been a long time.
Tristen: -sniffle- I’ve missed you so much…
William: Well, selling my newspapers to ENTROPY so they can create a perfect clone of me out of my fingerprints wasn’t a good way to get my attention.

Tristen: You might have caught me red-handed, William, but you’ll never take my beauty away from me. Look at those smooth curves, that silky-soft pate!

William: I only have one question for you, Tristen.

William: How did you think you were going to get fingerprints off of newspapers I hadn’t picked up yet?

William: And seriously… cloning. That’s not how it works. At ALL.

Apparently executing people for treason gets Abigail’s panties wet.

Nothing could make this picture more bizarre.

…scratch that.

Abigail: Take a picture, it’ll last longer! But don’t paint a picture, the game will probably corrupt the data after a few hours and it’ll revert to one of the default paintings.
William: I need to teach you how to tell jokes. At all.

Just another day in the on-going chronicles of Pine Valley, Clover County, SimNation.

As wholesome a community as you could possibly ask for.

Pretty pleased with yourself, eh? Mrs. Superspy Moll?

In death, Tristen is at last reunited… with her hair.

And William, Abigail, and Mr. Sparkles are ready to embark on their new life together. Frostbite not included.

I think it’s about time I updated you on the progress towards curing zombiism. Let’s check out that list again!

1. One Sim must reach 100% enthusiasm in the Science Hobby, mostly by making medicine and viruses in roughly equal quantity. (Andrew Murphy, in progress)
2. One Sim must reach 100% enthusiasm in the Tinkering Hobby, mostly by making a Servo to incubate the antidote. (Abigail Murphy, complete!)
3. One Sim must reach 100% enthusiasm in the Nature Hobby. (No progress)
4. One Sim must learn Physiology. (No progress)
5. One Sim must max all skills. (Abigail Murphy, complete!)
6. Both the Science and the Tinkering Sim must collect three of each potion in the game: Love Potion 8.5, ReNuYu PortaChug, Lycanthropic-B, Plantophic-C, Vamprocillin-D and Witchbegone-E. (Abigail and Andrew Murphy, complete!)
7. Two Sims must reach the top of the Science career. (Abigail and Andrew Murphy, complete!)
8. One Sim must reach the top of the Intelligence career. (William Sharpe, complete!)
9. Two zombie Sims must be captured. (A. Cameron Price, B. no progress)
10. One Sim must become friends with the Iconic Hobbyist for Science. (No progress)
11. One Servo must acquire enough Aspiration Points to afford two doses of the antitode. (FRIDAY, no progress)
12. One dose of the antidote must be given to one of the captive zombies, to test it. (No progress)
13. The second dose of the antidote must be given to the Iconic Hobbyist for Science. (No progress)

Moving along nicely, don’t you think? There may yet be hope for our intrepid Simventurers.

Things getting batshit insane enough for you yet? I hope you haven’t reached your limit, because it only gets weirder.

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