The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Nineteen

Warning: Nudity! Sex! Swearing! Not! Safe! For! Work!

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Interludes: I.1.

Welcome to Chapter Nineteen of the Pine Valley Chronicles!

In Chapter Eighteen, plans were finally made to stop the plague from spreading beyond Pine Valley. It all rests on a razor’s edge…

Let’s rock.

Genie: Holy shit! It smells like semen and cordite in this place. Don’t you ever wash the carpets?

William: So, I was thinking… theoretically… if there was a hot mad scientist who wasn’t interested in me romantically… and you made me super, duper, holy-shit hot attractive…
Genie: Oh, that’s original. Beauty, huh? Fine. Beauty it is.

Wow, taking the direct approach, eh, Peter?

Peter: It’s taken me a few months, and I had to call in a lot of favours, but I finally found out where this bastard lives. My employer is going to be so pleased when I bring him the head of the Director of SCIA!

…you carpooled home with him like ten times, dude.

Peter: I’m a townie. We… forget a lot of stuff.

William: Hey, Peter! Hey, terrifying missing-link guy!
Chandler Greaves: Meester Sharpe. Vee haf been vaiting a long time for this.
William: Yikes, that facial hair is FIERCE. Don’t you SimEuropeans ever shave?

Chandler: Laugh all you vant, Meester Sharpe. Soon you vill be… hey, vat the fuck? VAT THE FUCK, MEESTER REINER?!

Peter: Somehow I feel like we’ve lost the advantage here, Chandler.

Maybe just a little?

William: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I’ll fuck you up with a machinegun.

Peter: Chandler! Um, hello, Chandler? Now would be a great time to whip out some of that Crazy European-Fu!

Chandler: I haf no Fu, Meester Reiner.

William: I pity the fu that thinks he could mess with William Sharpe!

Oh, woof. That was terrible.

Chandler: Vat? Vat? No, zis is vere I disappear into ze shadows, not vere you shoot me.
William: Can you at least get your fucking accent in order long enough to spit out some last words?

Zeeshan: Death! Is… only the beginning!
The Grim Reaper: I RESENT THAT.

Now, what have we here?

Heidi Fuchs: Hello, Mr. Sharpe. My name is Heidi Fuchs.
William: And do you?
Heidi: Oh, absolutely. I send compliments from the SNIA.
William: What the fuck is that?
Heidi: The SimNippon Intelligence Agency. It’s kinda racist, but we like how it sounds in a mobster accent. SNIA!
William: SNIA, see! Yeah, definitely.

Heidi: You have defeated Chandler Greaves, one of the world’s most dangerous-
William: This is all fascinating, really, but can we get to the part where Mr. Sparkles gets to visit your Forbidden City?

Heidi: I am helpless in the face of your large SimNational penis.
Andrew: That’s what SHE said!
Heidi: Who?
William: …pretty much everyone, to be honest.

William: So… wanna go do something dirty, and then maybe end up dead in my bedroom as a warning to me from one of my many enemies?
Heidi: Tradition demands it.

William: Wow, that feels really nice. What is it, velvet? Satin?
Heidi: Cellulite.

William: This look’s just not doing it for me, though. Your clothes say “herro” but your hair says “frumpy white chick.”
Heidi: Out of curiosity, are you ever not being racist?
William: Only when I’m being sexist.

Heidi: Curse my love of misogyny!
William: Got my cursing wand all ready to go, honey.

Marisa Shahan: Greetings, Mr. Sharpe. I bid you congratulations from SMI7. You have defeated-
Heidi: Get in line, bitch.

William: …give or take ten inches.
Marisa: Well, of course.

Some secret agent you are.

Abigail: Ahahahaa! Ho! William! Stop it!
William: Gonna pee yourself?
Abigail: If you don’t cut it out!
William: Awesome. I have a change of clothes ready for you. They’re invisible, and they look kinda like not clothes at all from a certain angle, and some people have said they look like you, naked, in my bed, under me, writhing with pleasure, but I think they’re in your size at least.

William: Hey. So, since your husband is in Andrew’s garbage can now, I was thinking… how about we play “Malpractice Suit.” I’ll be the gynecologist, you’ll be, well, you get the idea.

William: Basically, let me put my piece in your puzzle.

She’s putting up with a lot. I’m impressed.

Abigail: What is that, William? What is it you smell of?
William: Chloroform.

Abigail: Vampires are immune to chloroform.
William: I know, but it’s the thought that counts.

William: I’ve gotta ask, what toothpaste do you use? I can barely smell your rotting gums.

William: I mean, you’re like… two different kinds of dead, all rolled into one hot, sexy, dead package.

William: I guess what I’m saying is… I’m going to have to arrest myself after this.


Okay, too long. Your husband just died, you know that?

Abigail: I haven’t had sex for nine years, you know that?

Holy shit. Carry on.

Abigail: Whoa. WHOA.
William: That’s Mr. Sparkles. It means he likes you!

William: Holy shit, this thing is awesome.

William: No, seriously guys, check this shit OUT. It’s AMAZING!

Abigail: You’re funny; I like that in a guy.
William: You’re easy; that’s ALL I like in a woman!

William: -furiously attempts to distract Abigail from his bright teal video game platform-

Abigail: Stop laughing when you do that, I don’t need your Aqua Velva all up in my nose.

Abigail: Or… do I… -swoons-

Getting kind of ill, guys…

And so the zombie-fighting secret agent seduced the immortal zombie vampire mad scientist. You can’t make this shit up, folks.

I’d be afraid she’d snap in two if I did that, personally…

William: Wow, it doesn’t slough off. That’s a personal plus, let me tell you.

Abigail: .oO(Don’t think about where it’s been don’t think about where it’s been don’t think about where it’s been…)

William: Let’s see them fangs! -grabs Abigail’s ass-

William: Okay, they’re stuck. Can you crouch down a little? This is kinda embarassing.

William: SURPRISE!
Abigail: Wow, you… could have done that a LOT more romantically.

But I guess she knows quality when she sees it…

William: Yeah yeah, take your pictures and get on with it, I’m ready to go here.

Don’t hold up on account of me.

My, what red eyes you have!

Not that William’s looking at her eyes anymore.

William: You know, with the time dilation in this game, I’ve actually got enough stamina to last for over a WEEK doing this.
Abigail: You know, with the time dilation in this game, I’ve spent almost a YEAR listening to how awesome you think you are.

They’re a good match.

Yes, I’m just being gratuitous now, but think of this: she’s practically the only Sim who’s only had one significant other until now!

William’s Phonograph: -plays “Tip-toe through the Tulips” by Tiny Tim-
William: I… you showed up early, I panicked.

This is quite possibly my favourite picture yet.

Aww… she purplegooglyhearts him. That’s so insane.

Abigail: William…
William: Yes, Abigail?
Abigail: …did you really name your penis “Mr. Sparkles”?
William: Don’t be ridiculous. He earned his name in battle.

The slump is real sexy, Abigail.

Abigail: So, do you keep all your hot inflatable girlfriends in here?
William: No, I mostly use it to store dead bodies.


Abigail: I can roll with that.

Hey, don’t look at me! They both got the Wants for it simultaneously! It was just meant to be.

You think I’m gonna complain that my two favourite Sims want to get married?

This wouldn’t have anything to do with making her feel more human, and less like a mindless zombie, so she has the mental fortitude to develop a cure and help you complete your mission?

William: That, but also blue skin is HOT.

I can’t help imagining that he’s about to snap it shut on her nose lol

Abigail: This almost makes up for how much of a douchebag you are.

William: -sniffle- That’s… the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me!

Considering that he’s had sex with over thirty people at this point, I don’t rate their chances very highly…

…but at least Abigail appears to have a renewed sense of purpose now.

So, turns out I was calling this guy Roger, when in fact he’s Clay Fuchs. The Fuchs family is apparently multiethnic. (You’ll never convince me this neighbourhood has more than one FUCHS family!)

Clay: Why can’t they have dogs like normal people…

Yes, apparently I was wrong. Cameron hasn’t moved out yet.

Cameron: Pleased to meet you. Can I have my hand back?
Clay: Can you have your hand back? What do you BLEAGH!
Alvin Lawson: I’m sure this is my business somehow!

Alvin: Oh, such beauty! I’ll never wash this hand again!
Cameron: Good idea. It’s already too late.

Dude, does your hand owe you money or something? Stop that!

Clay: I see nothing, I see nothing, I see nothing…

Alvin: -flaps his right arm in a vain attempt to fly-

Brains: part of this balanced breakfast.

I started looking at the sky today
‘cuz it’s so deep and it’s so far away
I’ve got too many things inside my head
I wish that I could be up there instead…

I’d call this a failure of zoning, wouldn’t you?

Oh hell, really? You’re absolutely CERTAIN?

I think Melanie’s getting nearsighted.

Autumn Hamilton: What the hell? WHAT THE HELL?

It’s your own fault, Autumn. Your season-based superpowers are useless in winter!

Autumn: I don’t have season-based superpowers!

Oh. I guess you’re just generally useless, then.

Joseph Kramer: -cannot be fazed-

Makes sense, I guess, because clearly that thing is not human.

Joseph: Boo! This zombie is unattractive!

1. She’s a ZOMBIE.
2. She’s the most attractive one.

Melanie: Not fucking attractive? I’ll show you attraction, asshole!

The other zombies trail behind Melanie, but somehow she almost always gets to the food first.

Melanie: And THAT’s for your DOUCHEBAG HAIRCUT.

Oh for FUCK’S SAKE. Why do you attract fug, Cameron?


Don’t look now, but somebody already beat you to it.

Brady: I think this is the low point of my career.

Yep, keep your eye on the prize, honey.

Joseph: No-one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Cameron: -walks upstairs like the Brawny Man-

A bit of gallows humour from Lora Gast.

Cameron: This would be more fun if I had feeling in my skin.

At this point you’ve got to wonder: they’re on a mountain, in the winter, fighting loudly outside all the time. Law enforcement? Hello?

Blonde zombie party!

I have this weird feeling that if you’re fighting a zombie, you shouldn’t stick your fingers in their mouth. I think that’s what you’d call a sudden-death loss.

I’m surprised the pavement isn’t cracked by now.

Since she likes him so much, she can talk to him OUTSIDE. In her PAJAMAS.

Cameron: I don’t feel the cold. I’m a zombie.

Don’t ruin my punishment.

Can’t really see where either of you are coming from on that, but okay, whatever.

Zombies making sexy faces = gross.

Meanwhile, everyone else is keeping busy.

Cassidy Das: Lora, your skin looks fabulous! You just have to show me your secret!

If you’re gonna do this, can you at least do it fast?

Brady: Oh, I’m so worried. Poor little Trina, she’s just a girl…

Your loyalties are all kinds of fucked up, Brady.

Lora: -is way too cool for this shit-

Cassidy gains a level in awesome.

Hopefully she can take it with her when she dies.

Joseph: Oh, Cameron, this has been a magical night. Except for the part where your roommate ruined my life forever.

…yeah, nothing surprises me anymore.

Oh, great, you’re an alien too.

One of these things is not like the others…

Brady: It’s because I’m black, isn’t it.

It’s because you’re ALIVE.

Zombies! Feared denizens of the… oh, fuck it. I give up.

That is ten kinds of icky. Didn’t you already have your hand in there, dude?

Meanwhile, Tucker is naked? Okay?

Gee, I wonder who YOU’RE resurrecting.

Just what the world needs. An evil murderous zombie secret agent.

Peter: Awesome! I’m gonna kill like thirty people now!

I hope you’re happy, Chelsea.

Chelsea: He’s good in bed.

That’s a great reason.

Chelsea: Hey. Hey, baby. Wanna fool around?
Peter: Heh, maybe later honey. I’ve got things to do.

Peter: Important things.

I love how Kaylynn comes back as a mascot, even though she was a CHEERLEADER.

I also love how everyone in this house considers clothing STRICTLY OPTIONAL.

Her queue should say “Wait for Food.”

That’s the Visionary outfit? It sucks.

They’re hitting it off pretty good. That’s gross.

That’s Carmen Custer. I’m pretty sure she’s a restaurant hostess, so I’m surprised to see her walking around.

Now I guess I’ll be surprised to see her shambling around.


You are not worthy of playing that guitar.

Peter: -is a playa nevertheless-

Looks like your hair’s falling out, babe.


Sure, sure, believe what you want.

All class.

I bet he’s more freaked out by her trash-digging than the fact that she’s a naked zombie.

Hey, chivalry is not dead!

But Jeremy Bar certainly is.

Whatcha doin’?

Mona Okuma: Gonna check out this haunted mansion!

What could go wrong?

Me, I’d be depressed about being undead, but I’m glad you’re not letting it get you down.


Mona: Inappropriate touching! INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING!

Wow… leave, right now. LEAVE SCARY UGLY PERSON LEAVE

I’m getting all kinds of nasty vibes off this, you guys.

Anyway, NOW I think she’s moving in.


Brady: Oh, for fuck’s sake, you live here TOO?!

Somehow she’s just not that attractive anymore. I dunno what it is…

Well, sorry this was so long coming, I just blanked on some captions in the middle and decided to actually play the game to alleviate my writer’s block. Next update, the Pine Valley Chronicles turn twenty with some of the weirdest plot twists yet!

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