The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Eighteen

Warning: Nudity! Sex! Swearing! Not! Safe! For! Work!

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Welcome to Chapter Eighteen of the Pine Valley Chronicles!

Andrew Murphy started working on a cure to the zombie apocalypse in Chapter Seventeen, which also saw the Charnel House of zombies lose their solidarity and William Sharpe striking names out of his little black book.

Onward!

Chelsea is adapting well to life as a zombie. Hey, why toaster pastries?

Chelsea: Because pancakes go right through me. Ahahahahaha!

Ahahahahaha gross.

You’re the first zombie I’ve seen who doesn’t look better this way. However, the disease certainly does give you some extra… definition.

Chelsea: You’re a pig.

I’ve seen you eat, you’re not one to talk. Especially with what you’ve been eating lately.

Case in point.

Chelsea: I might not eat her. How do you know I’m gonna eat her?
Abbey Mazza: Yeah! How do you know she’s gonna… eat… me? What? Wait, what?

You totally ARE going to eat her.

Chelsea: If she takes a shower first. I’m not too keen on biting into a basted rump-roast.

Holy shit that’s vile.

Waiting for Abbey to finish wiping?

Chelsea: I don’t want to interrupt anyone. That would be rude.
Bradley: Somehow I thought a zombie invasion would be a bit more… dangerous.

Abbey: What? Am I wearing something of yours?

Be assertive, Chelsea! ASSERTIVE!

Cameron: -grumblemumblestealingyourinvisiblenewspapergrumblemumble-

Still mad, huh.

Bradley: If I squint real hard I can almost pretend that you’re your mother.

Okay, too much information.

Guess the dust was too much for Abbey.

He’s pretty spry (for an old guy).

Bradley: Oh, my hip!

Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself… while you’re still in the pink…

IT’S LATER THAN YOU THINK.

Bradley: Oh, that burglary makes me SO MAD

That burglary twenty years ago where nothing was stolen.

Bradley: It’s the principle of the thing.

YOUR DAUGHTER JUST TURNED YOU INTO A ZOMBIE. There are other things to be mad about now!

Bradley: A zombie? I think I’d notice if I’d turned into a zombie!
Demi Wilson: Hi, Mr. Zombie!

Bradley: OH MY GOD I’M A ZOMBIE

Bradley: A stylin’ zombie…

Bradley: BUT STILL A ZOMBIE OH NOOOO 🙁

-snrrrk- What the hell are you…?

I have NEVER seen that, that is SO ADORABLE AND HILARIOUS.

Bradley: She’s a zombie, too.

Yeah, but it suits her.

When you’re an undead monstrosity you take comfort where you can get it.

That’s… really sweet, actually. Anyway, she’s moving back in because things back at the Charnel House CLEARLY weren’t working out.

Chelsea isn’t going to let a little thing like being dead get in the way of her muse.

Chelsea: An artist’s work always jumps in value after they die.

Usually they’re not producing new art at that point, though.

Yoosung Inada: And they were like PSSSHHHHH and he was like BANG BANG BANG and they were all AAAGH NO and then this giant fucking HELICOPTER came in and was all like FSEFSEFSEFSE and…

Oh, isn’t that just like kids. They come home from college with useless degrees, and start eating all your food like it belongs to them.

Randy Reiner: -snork- Have you seen, like… my brother? -sniffle- He’s a bigshot secret agent. NARF!

Bradley: I’m over here, son.

…?! Blonde hair solidarity maybe?

That’s a much nicer complexion on you.

Cameron: …feces…

I don’t like where this update is going.

Wow. Just… make yourself at home, Abbey.

Yoosung: I was gonna flush eventually! Honest!

Abbey: What do we have here, Biggles?
Biggles: I think it’s fuckin’ ZOMBIES, Abbey!
Bradley: Abbey! Get Biggles out of here! He’s too young to witness such barbarity!

Ooh, artsy.

Abbey: No! I don’t want to rot away!
Cameron: You’re smoking bubbles outside naked in the winter. You were gonna lose your limbs anyway.

Bradley: Pleased to meet you, young man.
Tucker Weburg: You too, sir. Say, is that a zombie tackling a naked woman on your porch?
Bradley: Life’s mysteries, son. Life’s mysteries.

Bradley and Tucker: CHICK FIGHT! FUCK YEAH!

Tucker: But seriously though, hot.

Bradley: I’d like to slurp her milkshake.
Tucker: Haha I think you said that wrong.
Bradley: Stick around and find out.

Avant-garde!

Randy: -snork- This shit is AWESOME, yo… like… wow.

Randy: I’m seein’… fuckin’… zombies. Man. Like.
Abbey: The horror. The horror.

Bradley: Boring conversation anyway.

Either Tucker is a beast or the size of your pompadour is not an accurate measurement of your physical strength.

Tucker: No! Don’t touch me! I don’t want to go to jail!

Everyone: -has apparently lost interest in Tucker completely for no reason-

Oh, good. ‘cuz the second time is obviously the charm.

Randy: I THOUGHT WE HAD A HAIR BOND, DUDE! I THOUGHT WE WERE HAIR BUDDIES!

Ember’s probably rolling in her grave right about now.

Tucker: Great. Now I’m gonna have to knock on all my neighbours’ doors and tell them I touch naked strangers. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Cameron: This reminds me of how Don cheated on me.

Does it remind you of how you aerated Don’s skull?

I guess smoking bubbles really does make you Superman.

Yoosung: I’m hungry. Don’t you guys have any kids?

I guess hot goth zombies are his Kryptonite.

I’m glad being a corpse hasn’t cramped your style any, Chelsea.

Peter: Hi Chelsea! You look different. Is it your hair? I bet it’s your hair.
Cameron: Date plumbbob in the shot… DATE PLUMBBOB IN THE SHOT!

Chelsea: Wow, really? You guys MEANT to hit that hospital? That’s so diabolical!

Chelsea: No way. No way! I thought they said those prisoner abuses weren’t sanctioned!
Peter: Never trust the official story.

Chelsea: What about Klaus von Simfenburger’s plan to assassinate SimHitler?
Peter: Yeah, that was us too.
Chelsea: I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH PETER

Randy: Alright, now… how do I stand up without accidentally touching that…

Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea. Everyone knows the way to a man’s brain is through his forehead. You’ll never get your tongue in far enough.

Peter: Hey, I think something fell off. Should things be falling off of you?
Chelsea: That means I’m in love.
Peter: Aww!

Chelsea finally defeats Tucker, apparently by force-feeding him Biggles and then pulling it back out through his ass.

The really sad thing is, Peter’s a Surveillance Operator for the SCIA.

And yet he totally never saw this coming.

Peter: Oh, for fuck’s sake, Randy, have you gone off your meds again?

Some secret agent YOU are.

Together forever in death.

You could have done that back at the Charnel House!


Stuff like that shirt is the reason I play my teens like they’re 18+. The alternative is just too disgusting to consider.

Gretchen: …brains…

Gretchen: …news…

Adrian: …news…?

Cecilia hands over her ReNuYu Porta-Chug, so Neil can get it to the mad scientists for testing.

Also note Yvonne, who came home with her from school.

The family’s new zombie defense system apparently leaves something to be desired…

Chelsea: Guess I need to do this the good old-fashioned way!

Brady: WHAT THE FUCK THE FLOOR IS ON FIRE

She’s dragging fire across the house!

Cecilia: Oh, for fuck’s SAKE Yvonne!

Cecilia: FUCKING ZOMBIES!

Jordan and Kacper to the rescue!

Whuck.

Kacper: Aww. She was kinda cute.
Jordan: Kacper… remember your parole conditions…

Jordan: Why do I have to spend all my time with a skeevemeister 🙁

Don’t worry. You’re hot, so I’ll find you someone eventually.

The Grim Reaper: WHOAH, HOLD THE BEAM! THIS MIGHT TURN INTO A DOUBLE FEATURE!

Neil: IT’S UP MY ASS! SPRAY MY ASS! SPRAY YOUR WHITE FOAM UP MY ASS, KACPER!
Kacper: :S

Neil: This reminds me of how that bitch divorced me.

Which bitch? You know what, never mind, fuck you.

Zombies that ring the doorbell. That’s a new one on me.

Cecilia: Hey hey hey! Who’s my disgusting zombie BFF?
Rose: You know it, you filthy ginger!

Cecilia: …not a fucking filthy ginger stupid bitch grumble mumble…
Brady: -nearly walked into a flying axe-
Victoria: I should probably invest in axes, I bet they’re going way up soon.

Darren: OH MY GOD I TOTALLY DIDN’T KNOW THAT SECOND AXE WAS FOR ME
The Grim Reaper: THAT DRESS LOOKS TERRIBLE.

I’m not even sure that would kill you right away. That looks like a three-week coma in bed kind of death to me.

Go on, you zombies! Git!

SERIOUSLY Neil.

Neil: She was hot, okay! I miss her. Bitch.

William: Hi, General.
Neil: Hi, son.

Neil: I got that potion you asked for. And Operation Lawnmower is going right according to plan. You should check on Cecilia sometime and see for yourself.

William: We’ll lick this yet, dad.
Neil: I hope you brought mouthwash.

The general needs a good steam bath every once in a while to loosen his burdens.

Meanwhile, Abigail is merrily dealing with hers.

How was school, Faith?

Faith: It was awful. All the kids made fun of me.

Aww, that’s terrible!

Faith: You’re telling me! I had to eat them all, and I wasn’t even hungry!

Faith: Oh, well. Off to work!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH hoo.

It’s Franklin’s birthday! Stewart is the only one who notices. This household has been pretty depressing since all the adults became zombies…

…and since Cecilia started murdering them all…

I hope you’re wishing for a natural immunity to the plague…

…because you’re now infectible! Happy Birthday!

Franklin: I fucking DARE them.

Good luck with that.

Stephen: Just because we’re zombies doesn’t mean we can’t keep a clean house.

Indeed.

Wow, he’s even being a good parent!

Stephen: They don’t taste as good in Aspiration failure.

Hi, Peter! Spying on the Murphys?

Peter: My new employers think this bearded guy might cure the plague. They’re paying me a considerable sum to see that he doesn’t.

I don’t know if you need to bother, Peter… Andrew’s having a hell of a time synthesizing his antivirus.

Andrew: And I’ve got a meeting with William and Mom tonight!

Um, do you think that’s wise? Your mother IS a zombie… what if she attacks William?

Andrew: That’s what that girl downstairs is for.
Dagmar Barrett: I’m a decoy!

Hey, Andrew, why the rush? What’s wrong?

Andrew: Why would she bring him? WHY WOULD SHE BRING HIM?

Oh. Oh, no.

Stephen: Hello… son…
Andrew: Hi, dad 🙁

Andrew: I’m sorry…
Brandi: I’M SMART

Smart enough to nearly walk into a stink ray beam apparently.

Andrew: Why did you have to bring him?
Abigail: He just followed me…

Abigail: -is clearly in denial-

And then it hits her.

There are no words for this, really.

An ignoble end for the first of our founders, and the second to head on up to that great Sims Bin in the sky…

We’ll miss you, Stephen. Say “hi” to Ember for us.

Dagmar and Brandi keep Abigail occupied inside. Hanging out with them will keep her mind off Stephen, and off their minds as well.

Abigail: -sniffle- He was a senator…

Yes, he actually was. But he preferred to tell people he was a doctor.

Andrew: He’ll be here in a moment, mom. You okay?

Brandi: Mmm… aren’t you just a big, strong, strapping, sexy secret agent man…

Priorities!

PRIORITIES!

William: Fine, fine! I hear you! I hear you!

William:…mmmmmmmmmm…

Hurry the fuck up already…

Seriously, you two are just beyond description.

Finally, introductions are in order.

William: So you’re Abigail Murphy, the famed technologist and mad scientist.
Abigail: And you’re William Sharpe, the famed assault rifle with a giant penis.

Abigail: I’m surprised you’re not on the floor in agony. Those blue balls must be killing you, what with three women in the room you haven’t had sex with today.

Having acquainted the two of them, William sends Abigail home.

I feel pretty bad for her.

Go get ‘er done, Abby. It’ll all work out in the end.

William: Alright, beardy is back to work, let’s fuck!

Apparently Beardy came downstairs to get something.

At least they don’t need to hide now…

…but this might prove to be disastrous for Andrew’s work ethic.

William: Well, that’s one of the three, Mrs. Murphy. I wonder if your blue skin is ready for my blue balls…

The meeting was short but they got some things straightened out. Most importantly, they divided up responsibilities for creating the antidote to the zombie plague!

These are the conditions I have set for the discovery and dissemination of a cure:

1. One Sim must reach 100% enthusiasm in the Science Hobby, mostly by making medicine and viruses in roughly equal quantity.
2. One Sim must reach 100% enthusiasm in the Tinkering Hobby, mostly by making a Servo to incubate the antidote.
3. One Sim must reach 100% enthusiasm in the Nature Hobby.
4. One Sim must learn Physiology.
5. One Sim must max all skills.
6. Both the Science and the Tinkering Sim must collect three of each potion in the game: Love Potion 8.5, ReNuYu PortaChug, Lycanthropic-B, Plantophic-C, Vamprocillin-D and Witchbegone-E.
7. Two Sims must reach the top of the Science career.
8. One Sim must reach the top of the Intelligence career.
9. Two zombie Sims must be captured.
10. One Sim must become friends with the Iconic Hobbyist for Science.
11. One Servo must acquire enough Aspiration Points to afford two doses of the antitode.
12. One dose of the antidote must be given to one of the captive zombies, to test it.
13. The second dose of the antidote must be given to the Iconic Hobbyist for Science.

Yes, that is a lot of horrifyingly difficult stuff. There is no cure for zombiism in the game, so I’ve made sure that I’m not cheating by giving my Sims the opportunity to create one. It’s going to take a long, long time…

…but that long, long time won’t be without incident. See you next update!

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