The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Seventeen

Warning: Nudity! Sex! Swearing! Not! Safe! For! Work!

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Welcome to Chapter Seventeen of the Pine Valley Chronicles!

In the massive Chapter Sixteen, the Murphys fell to the zombie invasion… all except Andrew, who started working on a cure.

So, yeah. Who’s in the mood for some science?

Andrew: Mm. Honey, you know what I want to do today?
Brandi: What’s that, Andrew?
Andrew: Cure zombiism.

Brandi: .oO(I hope you don’t.)

Collecting your thoughts?

Andrew: I’m afraid he won’t take me seriously.

What, with that beard? How could he NOT?

Andrew: Hey, William, I’ve been thinking. How about we save the world?

Andrew: Saving the world starts at home, wouldn’t you agree?
Valerie: …brains?

Andrew: Come on in, don’t be shy. We’re good friends now.

Andrew: And just between friends, that’s a nasty infection you’ve got going there.

Ew. No way would I have asked her inside to do this on my carpet.

Andrew: They just started passed a Neighbourhood Watch ordinance in Pine Valley, and I don’t want them getting any funny ideas about me.

Huh, look at that. You’re right!

Know what the huge Aspiration bonus is? He just gained a Good Reputation for atomizing Valerie. I think what that really means is that nobody is gonna talk smack about a crazy unabomber-looking dude with a disintegration pistol.

Brandi: Oh, baby, getting our neighbours eaten by flies makes me SO HOT…

It’s not the strangest fetish I’ve seen around here.

Are you at least gonna sweep that up first?

No, eh.

Brandi: Oh… oh… oh my god… we need to kill… the rest of our neighbours…
Andrew: The zombified… ones… right?
Brandi: Sure… we can… start with them…

Brandi: I love a man who’s not afraid to murder to get into my pants.

You should have a chat with William.

Andrew: Once I’m done, she can. I’ve got him on the line. Hey, William! So, I hear you’re the SCIA man for the zombie case. How? I’m on the Council of Mad Scientists, dude, we know everything. Yeah. I was thinking… no cure for zombiism? That’s really lame. I’m good with chemicals, and if I can hook you up with my mother, she’s great with technology… what? NO, NOT THAT KIND OF HOOKUP. Christ, do you ever stop?
William: I’d stop for your mom.

Andrew’s purchasing some samples of his own.

Rose Ng: -ruins the symmetry of my pics-

Wow, them’s some crazy gadgets you got there. What are they for?

Andrew: A real cure will need to be an Aspiration Reward if we’re gonna disseminate it properly. I need to figure out the mechanics of making a new one.

Sounds complicated.

And what’s THAT for?

Andrew: That is my Energizer. I won’t be sleeping for the next few years.

That sounds… fun…

Andrew: Fun? Oh, you have no idea how much fun this will be.


So, I take it you guys are going the potion route, huh?

Andrew: What was your first clue?

He added an entire floor to his house just to hold all this stuff…

Andrew: It’s about time, too. What kind of mad scientist doesn’t have an attic lab?

It only becomes a problem once you start calling it a lair.

Andrew diligently spends most of his time preparing both viruses and medicine, since an anti-zombiism formula will have to behave like both.

But he leaves himself some time for the finer things in life, too.

Andrew: -smashes his knee through the concrete divider- Brandi, will you marry me!
Brandi: Any man who could achieve such a feat, I would not dare disappoint.

I think you have a “proposing to terrible candidates for marriage” fetish.

And I’m surprised at you too, Brandi. You don’t seem like the marrying type.

Brandi: He spends all his time upstairs, and his job pays the bills. I’m gonna fuck that nice secret agent guy while he’s busy working.

…right, okay, that makes more sense.

Andrew: -is overpowered by the memory of murdering Valerie-

Someone’s at the door…

Brandi: Hi. William, right? Andrew sent me out to let you into my pants. The house. Sorry.

William: Your fiancé and I have business to discuss, but first: YOU’RE SO FUCKING HOT BABY.

This isn’t going to end well.

This isn’t going to end well at ALL.

Brandi: So… how’s about you and me break the bedroom furniture?
William: Are you crazy? I’m trying to save the world here! He’ll work less effectively if he’s pissed off. Come over to my place later.

Brandi: We could… do it on the easel…
William: That’s physically impossible, I am so intrigued and turned on right now OH HI ANDREW WHO IS COMING DOWN THE STAIRS

William: For me?
Andrew: A nuclear-powered atomic dispersal unit, and a powerful odor-stimulating beam focusser.
William: Shwa?
Andrew: A blaster and a stink gun. Do try to bring these back in one piece, William.

Andrew: I feel like we got a good start on things today.
Brandi: Me too. Me… too.

Burning the midnight oil, William?

William: I need to get promoted. My bosses don’t think zombies are that big a deal.

What do they think is a big deal?

William: Wiretapping our own citizens, maybe? I dunno.

…sigh. This is Tristen, William’s ex-fiancé. She has no hair when she puts her outerwear on, don’t ask.

Lately she’s been stealing his paper, and then somehow cloaking it. Is she still mad about the breakup, or is there something more sinister going on?

William: My perimeter alarm went off! Children in danger!

William: Hi, Mrs. Raymond!
Nerissa: Brains! 🙂

William: Let’s see how this baby works, Murphy.

I wish they wouldn’t giggle…

William: Well. That was simultaneously the most disgusting and the most AWESOME thing I’ve ever done.
Nerissa’s Hair: -lingers-

William: Sure is a great day to be alive, isn’t it, Nerissa?


Back from a hard day’s work toppling SouthSimAmerican dictators?

William: They won’t topple themselves!

They never get the chance!

Who’s you?

Peter: Peter Reiner, secret agent.

Wait, aren’t you the dude who was macking on Chelsea in Chapter Sixteen?

Peter: Never met a fourth wall you didn’t want to break, have you?

Peter: -is SO stoked to look like such a douchebag-

So, William, how do you like your ashes: shaken, or stirred?

William: Does it look like I give a damn?

William: Hey, Madeleine? Madeleine? Awesome, glad I got through to you. Say, you feel like getting a bite to eat, maybe your brains fucked out?

Dude, you’re aware that your entire little black book is full of ZOMBIE CHICKS, now, right?

William: Um, duh? Why do you think I mentioned “brains”?

True to form, Madeleine is lured.

William and Madeleine: FADA SOOLA GOR! FADA SOOLA BRON!
Tristen: I’m… kinda trying to kick your garbage can over, William. You’re making this really awkward.

Madeleine: He can’t do that, can he?

Stop fucking looking at me, I’m invisible.

…well. The disintegration pistol is a LOT more fucking disturbing. I didn’t think that would be possible.

Peter: Hey, I have some questions about work.
William: Shoot.

Peter: That thing with the planes – we totally staged that, right?
William: Oh, fuck yes. Of course.
Peter: Squeee!

Too soon? TOO BAD.

William: MY GOD! Julius Caesar has been using my microwave!

William: FUCK YES! Some teenager I’ve never met was using this counter.

Does the fingerprint scanner ever actually produce conceivably possible results? Anyone? Anyone?


Melanie: Say, Don… I never noticed how pretty your eyes were before.
Don: Wow! Hey, thanks Melanie!

Cameron: Alright, that’s the final straw. It’s fucking TIME.

Cameron: Hey, slutface!

Cameron: Let’s see you cheer your way out of NEWTON’S FIRST LAW.


Don and Cameron: -pretend to cry-

Cameron: Hey, wanna fuck?

I realize it’s because they’re dancing, but I like to imagine Don’s reached In the Zone levels in his own personal hobby: being a complete douchebag.

Don: Oh, baby, that necrosis tastes so good…

Adrian Ebadi: Is this where they’re having the “Stand Around like a Complete and Total Douchebag” competition?
Peter Reiner: Whoah, wait: douchebag competition? Stand aside, coming through!

Adrian: I must say, you have really nice zombietits.

She rewards him with a closer look.

Adrian: Pull my finger!

This has been Non-Sequitur Theatre.

Wow, you got over Kaylynn pretty fast, Don.

Don: Who?

We’ve done that joke too many times, dude.

Don: What joke? Who?

He’s a real winner, isn’t he? Why are you doing this, Cameron?

Cameron: Promise you won’t tell?


Cameron: All the other zombie men…?


Cameron: Their peni-


They’re fucking inside the foundation. It’s the only place anyone can find some privacy.

It’s that classic tale: boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy falls in love with girl’s sister, girl becomes zombie, girl falls in love with another boy, girl kills other boy’s zombie girlfriend.

Hi, bowlcut.

Justus Bertino: It’s Justus.

No, it’s definitely a bowlcut.

Justus: Coochie coochie… coo?
Melanie: What is this horseshit?

You’d better hurry, there’s someone at the door.

Never mind, Don’s taking care of it.

I don’t know why, but Don is a LOT creepier in his bathrobe.

Adriana Gast: I just stopped by to tell you how fucking AWESOME you zombies are. I love your work!

Don: -attacks Adriana-
Adriana: ++
Don: ++

I swear, half the townies are already zombies.

Adriana and Adrian: -are in awe of the slag pile-

Don: Man, I’m so hungry…
Cameron: Oh! I know just the thing!

Rose: .oO(As far as deaths go, this is admittedly a pretty awesome one.)

Melanie: Wow, they have delivery too?

Melanie: Mmm, you look delicious.
Colby Wolosenko: Um… thanks?

This is getting to be a full-time job.

And they make an awfully effective team.

Shit. SHIT. Everyone stop moving for a few minutes, don’t turn around. Please. PLEASE.

Oh well aren’t you just the stupidest bitch alive.

Being a rich and famous artist wasn’t a good enough reason to LIVE?

Chelsea: Man, you have got to get some sun, girl! You look like the living dead!

Cameron: Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea. Love the outfit; you look good enough to eat!


Cameron: Stupid is as stupid dies, sis!

What happened to that assault rifle you had?

Chelsea: I sold it back to the campus store at the end of term! And you wouldn’t believe how cheap those bastards at the buyback program are!

No, I totally would, trust me.

Chelsea: Oh well. C’est la mort.

There’s barely time to stop and reflect.

Melanie: -sniff- My little boy… he’s all grown up…


Allison Collins: Maybe I’ll be safe in here!

Maybe not so much.


Yusun Young: Good luck getting my lipstick applicator out of your ass!


Cameron: I’m bored with zombies.

You think you are…

Chelsea: You can’t fight in a business suit! You need some lacey underwear and a loose shirt, it really helps your mobility!

Chelsea: And mobility is going to be an important issue for you from now on.

Melanie: Oh my god! Some of them are getting not useless!

Rose: :[

I feel for you.

I liked you better before you died.

Allison: Zombie fake-out!

Holy unexpected, Batman!

Cameron: Put me down gently, I’m weak in the knees.
Don: Oh honey, I love you too!
Cameron: I meant that-
Don: -that your knees are literally weak, okay, I got it. Fuck.


He seriously cheated on her the INSTANT they got engaged. Has that dude got game or WHAT

Cameron: I yank you kicking and screaming into the underworld, and this is the thanks I get? I HAVE NO ZOMBIE SISTER.

Cameron: We’re THROUGH, Don! It’s OVER! All three hours of it, shot to hell! After all the effort I put into our tiny, barely-happened-at-all relationship, and you go and betray our sacred bond?

Cameron: I WILL CUT YOU.
Don: O.O

Cameron: Now, go smash your head into that brick wall!
Don: What is that I don’t even?

Chelsea: Dude… I don’t know how she knew it was a romantic hug. They look the same.

What’s wrong, Don?

See something you don’t like?

Cameron: Fucking cheat on ME, will you?

Cameron: Let’s see you hug my sister with a HOLE IN YOUR HEAD.
Chelsea: I don’t see why that would be a problem, really.

Don: HOLY SHIT. Calm down! You want some candy? I can make you some candy! We have this machine it’s really no troub-


I can’t say he doesn’t deserve it, after the mess he’s caused.

Cameron: I’m glad I broke off our engagement 🙂

You broke off his HEAD!

Kiera: -drops off a magic lamp to congratulate the household on being so amazingly successful-

Do you know something I don’t?

Next update: the resistance kicks into high gear, finally!

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