Warning: Nudity! Sex! Swearing! Not! Safe! For! Work!
Welcome to Chapter Sixteen of the Pine Valley Chronicles!
In Chapter Fifteen, we started seeing signs of resistance against the zombie apocalypse as William Sharpe and his half-sister Cecilia Phelps kicked undead ass.
This update was originally posted in two parts, but creative link editing has gotten it to fit into one. No material was cut in this process.
Yet again, this update is larger than any of the ones preceding it. I make no apologies for the quantity of my fine content 🙂
I’m really not sure why they moth the Charnel House, particularly since… they can’t. Mascots can’t autonomously visit the base neighbourhood! It reminds me a lot of those vacation locals camping out in the Price mansion a few years back.
Melanie: Feeding time.
Zombies instantly satisfy all their needs by eating other Sims, so when they get a bit peckish Melanie and her cohorts head up to the sidewalk to wait for their meals on wheels.
Hey, Roger? You might want to back up a bit.
Roger Landchild: I have to deliver the paper. Come rain, or snow…
Roger: …zombies, I dunno about.
Gretchen Barakat: .oO(Oh thank god, someone who will understand my dark poetry and self-mutilation.)
I think she’d rather be the one mutilating you, actually.
Roger: Gee, I hope Melanie wins…
Roger: She hasn’t read the paper yet.
Gretchen: This is just like the Burning Times.
Melanie: Please leave now.
This is how Roger will deliver the paper from now on. I don’t blame him.
Don: Holy shit, was that an actual black person?!
I know, I know. Nearly all of my playable Sims are white. I’ll fix it in the next generation, I promise.
Sheba: Fuckin’ zombies.
It’s apparently love at first sight when Don spots Griff Andrews.
Don: I was thinking about kissing my wife, asshole.
That’s charming, except that both of your lips are probably still dripping with the brains of Oliver Murphy and Sunny Clark.
Don: I think you overestimate how much brains Oliver had.
Griff: -is sad puppy-
You’ve got to wonder why people are walking around here in the first place. It’s a thousand miles up a hill, and there’s absolutely nothing to see except this dungeon and the hole it sits in.
Griff: I heard there was gonna be a Dead concert up here, man!
Well you heard wrong. There’s just a lot of dead people, concentrated up here.
Greaser zombie FTW.
Brady: It’s a paying gig, man, get off my back.
Kaylynn: …brains… and looks, too!
Gretchen: Oh, Griff, you have just TOTALLY got to hear this juicy piece of gossip…
Griff: I think I shan’t, good lady, ’tis beneath me.
Wow, your brains really did get scrambled.
Lyndsay Weburg: -is not excited-
I think this may be a suicide attempt.
Kaylynn: Aww, tickleticketickle! Cheer up, honey! You have so much to live for!
Lyndsay: … 🙂
Kaylynn: That’s better. It’s no fun when they want it.
Kaylynn: Scream for me, baby.
You scare me. YOU ALL SCARE ME.
Valerie Shaw: -sigh-
Wow, it’s like Lemming Sunday here.
Heading home, guys?
No, that’s… you’re doing it very, very wrong.
Griff: I’M TRYING OKAY
That’s one of the more original attempts to get on her good side I’ve seen.
Unfortunately, Kaylynn doesn’t have a good side.
Valerie: Commander, I have failed. We must return to Altair 7 in shame and submit to the Conclave’s punishment.
Where do they get these fucking clothes…
Zombiism is apparently less a social disease than a social network.
Looming Vampire Hunter Phillip Beckett, Zombie Hunter: Yes… come closer, poor soul. I’ll soon have you out of our collective misery.
Phillip Beckett, Zombie Hunter: It’s alright, cold one. Your torment will end soon.
Phillip Beckett, Zombie Hunter: Greetings, curse-bearer. I bring good tidings…
Phillip Beckett, Zombie Hunter: …I have a friend you’d be perfect for! Mind if I set you up on a blind date?
Cameron: Um… okay?
Sorry, Phillip. You almost had us going, there.
Glen: Where’s my date? Is she an old woman I can beat up?
Glen: SHE’S A ZOMBIE WOMAN WHO BEATS UP MEN IN TRENCHCOATS! THAT’S SO AWESOME!
Phillip Beckett, Zombie Zombie Hunter: -mentally adjusts his internal monologue-
Glen: Whoah, wait a second! I haven’t even slipped you the roofie yet!
Valerie: BOO YOU SUCK
Glen: Is that a request?
Glen: By day, an accounts receivable clerk. By night, a ZOMBIE!
You’re a zombie forever.
Glen: Well FUCK.
I guess this will teach me to be more careful with what hacks I install.
Griff: What do you mean, you prefer The Fountainhead to Candide?
Griff: I bet you think Shakespeare was better than Marlowe, too!
Don: Woo! Beat up that fancy guy! Yeah!
Kaylynn: Did I just miss a fight? If I just missed a fight, Don, I’m gonna kick your fucking ASS.
I’m not sure how I feel about this outcome.
I’m pretty sure I know how they feel about it, though.
Griff: You. Off my planet.
Phillip Beckett, Zombie Zombie Hunter: Hey, guys. What are we talking about?
Griff and Glen: Shut up, Phillip.
He’s out of his element.
You know, becoming a zombie was the best thing that ever happened to you.
Cameron: And the worst. I lost my man!
Yeah, beards like that only come around once in a lifetime. So what are you gonna do about it?
Cameron: Walk around all sexy-like until Don notices me.
Cameron: We’ll see about that.
Kaylynn: What did you say?
Cameron: Go back to your karaoke, bitch.
Hey, Jerome. You ever intend to GO HOME?
Jerome: Oh, sure. Back to U of Zombie. I’ll get right the fuck on that.
Watch your tone, Mohammed, or the zombies might come to you.
When you’re a Visionary, like Chelsea is now, you can make a living from painting dozens of slightly-different close up pictures of the same apple tree.
It’s the art world’s version of tenure.
This is Peter Reiner.
This is Chelsea Reiner.
Chelsea: What? I’m not married yet!
Have you LOOKED at this dude?
Chelsea: Have you LOOKED at my Aspiration?
Your mother got married.
Chelsea: MY MOTHER GOT MURDERED, ASSHOLE.
Peter: Do I get a say in this?
Peter: …never mind. Count me in.
Neil: THIS SAUNA REMINDS ME THAT I’M MAD AT LACI.
For breaking up with you when you cheated on her with the woman who eventually murdered her.
Neil: That’s all I’m sayin’! Fuckin’ nonsense. What a bitch.
This is Clarence Sartor. Having murdered her last boyfriend, Cecilia needs a new one.
Clarence: Wait, say that bit again? What about her last boyfriend?
Cecilia: Yeah, I killed him. I killed him for ASKING TOO MANY QUESTIONS.
Clarence: Um… you’re very beautiful.
Cecilia: Fucking right I am.
Cecilia: Kiss me like your life depends on it.
Clarence: Does my life depend on it?
Cecilia: Are you feeling lucky?
Clarence: You know… yes. In some senses, yes.
Cecilia: Aww. Careful! When I feel this warm and fuzzy it usually means someone’s getting their forehead separated.
If you get to university and he turns out to be ugly, I give you permission to axe him.
Cecilia: Like I need your permission.
In the immortal words of Dalboz of Gurth, Third Dungeon Master of Zork: “Exactly where were you keeping that?”
You’re very brave, wearing that bland basegame skintone.
Shadow: I miss beard guy.
You’ve NEVER SEEN HIM WITH A BEARD.
Yvonne: Aww yeah. I am some HOT SHIT, yo.
Sullivan: You want some hot shit? I have a bag of hot shit in my fucking HAND, you stupid BITCH. Get out of my fucking WAY. You like that smell? You want me to feed this to you? You want to eat a big steaming bag of hot smelly BABY SHIT?
I… accidentally put the mirror in that bathroom over the toilet instead of the sink. Hilarity ensued.
Hey, girls. Where you headed?
Faith: We need new clothes for the big day.
What big day?
WHAT BIG DAY?
Hey, it’s the Sheridan Centre. Haven’t been here in a while… mostly because it’s huge endless lag because of all the buildings surrounding it. You’ll note that I turned off neighbours just so it would run at a reasonable framerate. It’s actually smack in the middle of Centreborough.
Gettin’ a haircut, Reed?
Reed: It keeps growing, you know.
That’s pretty gross.
Why do you need a cellphone?
Faith: I don’t want Mom or Dad tracing our call.
What call? WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING?
Well, let’s see about those clothes anyway.
You’d think she was getting that money for her own personal use.
Asia Jeffress: I have no personal uses. I live at this cash register.
Don’t exaggerate. Sometimes you’re at one of the other cash registers.
Heh, I use that tactic to make girls think I’m not looking at them, too.
It doesn’t fucking work.
William: SO BEAUTIFUL.
Mothers don’t let your babies grow up to be zombies.
Back home again. Hey, is that Stephen’s carpool?
All gussied up, huh? Wanna tell me what you’re planning?
Yvonne: You’ll see.
Faith: You will? That’s awesome! Thank you so much!
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
Faith: Heh, no, you’d better not come at night, my dad will be home by then. We need this to go like clockwork.
Sullivan: FUCK your stupid BLOCKS, you’re DRINKING this fucking MILK you little COCKSUCKER.
Faith: Poor little Leonard… you’re too young to understand…
Faith: I can’t wait!
Yvonne: I know, right!
Fucking Knowledge Sims!
Yvonne: Um… sis? I’m not so sure…
Since you’ve already DOOMED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY I’d say it’s a BIT TOO LATE for second thoughts!
IF YOU EVEN HAD A FIRST THOUGHT.
So much for solidarity, Faith?
Faith: It’s cold outside.
Your compassion is amazing.
Careful, her neck is pretty slender.
Don: If her head breaks off, I can get a doggy bag.
Sullivan: Oh, yeah, fucking ZOMBIES. Real fucking ORIGINAL.
Sullivan: Just stay the fuck out of my way.
I suspect they’re scared of you. I certainly am.
The Cameron Effect in action: she looks better this way.
I’m having nightmares right now, and it’s three o’clock in the afternoon and I’m awake.
Well, this was a fucking stupid decision.
Yvonne: No man, I’m a fucking ZOMBIE now! It’s fucking AWESOME!
Yeah, fucking AWESOME. You’re a teen FOREVER. That’s really wonderful. I’m so fucking HAPPY for you.
Faith: How was it? Was it fast? Did it hurt?
Yvonne: Nah, it barely tickled!
Shadow: .oO(Please let me into your journal…)
Zombie defense systems don’t do much good when you let the zombies in.
Faith: OW! Why does it hurt THERE! Did you…?
Don: I get a little carried away sometimes. It’s just… really exciting, okay?
Faith: BARELY FUCKING TICKLED?
Stewart: Frankie! Hey, Frankie! Wait up!
Franklin: No way, I’m almost out of the frame! NOBODY dies when they’re out of the frame!
Yeah, but if I were to make an exception to that rule, it would definitely be for a Murphy kid.
In fact, it damn near happened to Kyle.
Daisy Nott: What did I do?
You went jogging in winter. You deserve whatever happens to you.
Of course, attacking a woman who’s badass enough to go jogging in winter is probably not a great idea.
Stephen: Whoah, slow down for a second. What the fuck are these people doing on our lawn?
Stephen: What’s going on here, young man?
Griff: Go home, grandpa.
Stephen: This IS my home. I’m going to ask my wife to disintegrate you.
Anthony: Did you ever done see such a thing, ol’ buddy?
Stephen: You’re still not a cowboy, Anthony.
I told you it was a bad idea to attack someone who’s obviously been working out! How long has this fight been, like ten hours?
Don: I’m gonna make you eat that stupid fucking hat, Rodriguez!
Judgemental Snowman: -is judgemental-
Yvonne: Pleased to meet you. Can you go eat my dad so he doesn’t yell at me for letting zombies into the house?
This is like the XTREME equivalent of getting a tattoo.
Anthony: Ow… my… my ass? What the fuck, Don?
Don: I get a little confused sometimes, okay? OKAY?
Stephen: Whoah! I’ll let you look too, if you want it that bad…
Abigail: It’s go-time.
Where did you get THAT?
Abigail: Um, HELLO? Mad scientist? I made it.
Abigail is HARD CORE.
Abigail: You know it.
Stephen: You need to work out, son.
Sullivan: Would you people shut the fuck up? I was trying to smother the baby and you woke the little fucker.
Abigail: .oO(I’m going to kill you, Faith.)
Griff: Oh, no! She’s going to scan me for fingerprints!
Stephen: Won’t be nothin’ left to scan once she’s done, boy.
Abigail: Stop talking like that, Stephen. You’ve been hanging around Anthony too much lately.
Griff: WHOAH! Hey… I don’t feel so good…
Stephen: You don’t smell so good, either.
Abigail: You might want to stand back a bit, darling.
Stephen: My GOD! He smells REALLY ripe now! What does that thing do?
Abigail: A disintegration ray isn’t very energy efficient.
Abigail: A stink ray works much better! Teehee!
Stephen I love you, my snuggly little vampiric madwoman.
Griff: Shoo! Shoo, flies! FUCKING SHOO!
Stephen: Hey, I think I see a pigeon!
Sullivan: Wasn’t a BAD show, but the fight scenes were too dark and blurry, I couldn’t see what was happening. And was there even a plot?
Don: The first one was way better.
Oh, Quantum of Solace.
Edit: Quantum of Solace was the best one. Come at me, fanboys.
Faith: I just want to say, before you get mad at me, that this was all your fault somehow.
The Grim Reaper: COULD YOU HAVE YOUR TOUCHING MOMENT OF VICTORY A BIT TO THE RIGHT? SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO DO OUR JOBS.
Anthony: HOOOOOOOO-EEEEEEEEE! I’m gonna break you, boy!
Sullivan: Ride ‘im, cowboy!
Sullivan: -punches through Daisy’s chest, removes her heart-
Daisy: Your fucking BUTLER just STOLE MY HEART, BITCH!
Sorry, man. I never wanted this.
Don: Boo. Boring.
Zombie versus mad scientist vampire is BORING?
Abigail: CAN’T TOUCH THIS!
Leonard: Zombie daddy read?
Ooh, long-range functionality! Nice!
I love the looks on their faces.
Daisy: WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUCK?
Abigail: Damn, dropped it.
You shouldn’t have been laughing so hard! Quick, pick it back up! PICK IT BACK UP!
PICK IT BACK UPPPPPPPPPP! 🙁
The Grim Reaper: SHOULD I HANG AROUND A BIT LONGER?
Anthony: BOO! BOO!
Shadow: What does it take to get a little entertainment around here?
Faith: Do I have to do everything?
Abigail: -apparently regrets vaporising zombies-
Abigail: TALK TO THE MECHANICAL HAND, BITCH!
I think it’s maybe time to admit the small but very real possibility that I’m not 100% in control of what’s happening anymore…
Abigail: Why is there a green handprint on my tits, Don?
Don: They’re nice tits?
Zombie vampire mad scientist.
Just your average late-night family dinner.
Anthony: I don’t understand what you mean by “too much Eagles.” There can never be too much EAGLES!
Don: I’m just saying that I wouldn’t have loaned you my iPod if I knew you were gonna fill it all up with hillbilly dad music.
Franklin: Where’s mommy? Why is the house so noisy? Are you guys trying to wake the dead?
I think that particular ship has already sailed, little dude.
Franklin: Oh my gosh! Stranger danger!
Franklin: Good thing mommy showed me what to do!
Note the switch.
Don: Is it suddenly really hot in here, or is it just me?
Don: OH MY GOD THE ROOM IS ON FIRE
Anthony: HEYYYY MACARENA
Franklin: Heheh…. burn, zombies. BURN.
Anthony: You’re insane, Tylopoda! That would never work!
Don: HOLY SHIT I’M GONNA BURN TO DEATH WITH A PSYCHOPATH IN A COWBOY HAAAAAAT 🙁
Anthony: I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE COOKING MOMMY BUT IT SMELLS AWFUL
Don: HELP US, TYLOPODA! HELP USSSSS!
Stephen: Hmm. Maybe the garbage can wait.
Franklin: Damn, missed one.
Abigail: WHAT THE FUCK MY FIRE IS ON FOYER
Tylopoda: -is horrified-
Abigail: WHAT THE FUCK I’M ON FIRE
WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE ON FIRE
Yvonne: YES! Mom’s gonna die and then she can’t get mad at us!
An eventful night at the Murphy Household, to say the least.
At least Abigail didn’t burn to death. That would have -really- sucked.
Zombies zombies everywhere.
And Abigail has a plan. Yes, that’s Abigail.
Kiera: Ohhhhhh….. Only your cash can help my crystal ball pierce the mists of fate that veil the inner nature of your perfect match… If you let your stinginess cloud my vision, you’ll have only yourself to blame! Now then… how much will you spend?
Abigail: Tell the mists of fate to take a fucking number, I need some potions by yesterday!
Kiera: Union break!
Abigail: Oh, for fuck’s sake, hurry that up. I’m a vampire, it’s like six in the morning, and I don’t have much time left.
Abigail: COME ON COME ON COME ON MY SKIN IS ON FIRE
Abigail: WHERE ARE YOU GOING YOU STUPID CUNT WE’RE NOT FINISHED
Abigail: LANGUAGE YOURSELF I’M BURNING TO DEATH
Abigail: THANKS FOR NOTHING BITCH
Note the snow on the bat lol
Hmm… the red one is Love Potion 8.5… the blue one is Vamprocillin-D… she’s got Lycanthropic-B, Plantophic-C, and Witchbegone-E… I wonder what all these potions are for?
Well, I’m sure you can guess… but you’ll have to wait until Chapter Seventeen to be sure! Can you take the suspense? I guess you’ll fucking well have to!