Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Pretty long update, this. Get a drink, and some chips, and settle into a comfortable chair.
You might want to leave the lights on…
In Chapter Thirteen, Mount Noble University was almost consumed by the zombie plague. Time to do something about that pesky “almost.”
Keeping fit, I see.
Melanie: Use it or lose it!
I think, in your case, losing it is pretty much assured.
I like to imagine there’s a really malicious residence clerk at MNU going “Oh, a new student! And look at those marks! What an overachiever! ZOMBIE DORM.”
Zombie Dorm: you’re what’s for dinner!
What’s up, Steffi?
Steffi Zarubin: I’m out for a walk 🙂 Isn’t it a beautiful day?
Hey, where’s your bodyguards, Steffi?
Yeah, to defend you from the zombies.
Oh dear, you’re new.
Steffi wields her obliviousness like a shield.
Obliviousness makes a shitty shield.
Darren: Shouldn’t we tell her?
Jacqueline: Oh, but she’s having so much fun…
Coach Kenya Tsvirkunov, ladies and gentlemen. I guess in Soviet SimRussia, attention pays you?
Samantha Ying: Phillllossssophyyyyyy…
Meredith: Philosophy? Man, Jacqueline must have eaten a few too many of that broad’s brains!
Meredith: Sorry, sorry, no. I should have chosen my wording more carefully.
Taking the sollipsist approach, are we?
Kenya: NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL
Good luck with that.
Sean: I’m scared of fights.
But you’re not scared of ghosts?
That’s the room where Vanessa died.
Sean: Stay out, dude! There’s ghosts in here! They’ve got me already, but you can still save yourself!
Addison: I’m more scared of fights than I am of ghosts.
Sean: Yeah, me too.
This is gonna take a while.
Oops! Maybe not.
Melanie: Still got it!
You sure do.
No, it suits you.
Melanie: It can’t be completely empty. Conduct a thorough search, Meredith!
Meredith: Well, okay, but if I bend over to look under the seats there’s a very good chance you’re going to have to lift me back up, and maybe glue me back together too.
Looks eerily deserted to me. Not a lot of zombie sports teams, I guess.
Dude, you’re just asking to get curbstomped with that shirt.
Melanie: Oh, get a whiff of that bouquet! Delicious.
Melanie: And it goes down easy, too!
Aww, Ratna. Poor, poor Ratna.
Ratna: What? What?!
Melanie: Feel free to wander around. I’ll get to you later.
Ratna: What if I escape?
Melanie: Then we shall go iceskating together in hell.
Tyler: I should warn you that the last person who attacked me got carted off in an ambulance.
Melanie: Oh, awesome! There’s lots of potential victims at the hospital, and most of them can’t run!
Skylar: I might be a zombie, but that is still a fucking awesome statue.
Taking one last whiff of flowers before the end comes?
Tyler: If I inhale some microbes, the zombies will get sick and die when they try to eat me!
That’s aliens, Tyler.
Tyler: Same principle!
Let me guess. You’re summoning an army of tiny, tiny little Ents.
Marielle Ternynck: No, I’m just taking one last whiff of flowers before the end comes.
Of course! Why didn’t I think of that?
Darren: HA HA -sniff- LOOK GUYS I’M SNIFFING A “FLOWER” TOO HA HA
That’s not nice.
Melanie: Benjamin! I’ve been looking for you forever!
Benjamin: What a coincidence! I’ve been avoiding you forever!
Melanie: Awesome, I’ve got the whole set now. I’m kinda anal about that sort of thing.
Hey, me too! Only not with anything this gross and evil.
Melanie: What can I say, I’m an x-treme hobbyist.
Tyler appears to be mildly precognitive.
And so far, his predictions have all come true!
Marielle: It’s as good a night as any to die.
Is it as good a night as any to die, come back as a zombie, and wander around rotting until you find some friends to snack on?
Marielle: Probably, yeah.
THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD DO IT!
Oh well, the point is moot now.
Marielle: I’ll just sit down over here, and you can fucking wake me up if you ever reach me.
Melanie: What number is this?
Melanie: How many people have I beaten the shit out of?
Counting Andrew, back when you were mortal?
Melanie: Sure, why not.
Let’s see… holy shit. Sixteen.
Melanie: Make that seventeen.
No, see, I’d already counted Marielle.
Melanie: Well thanks a whole damn bunch for setting me up a post-ass-kicking one-liner and then pulling the fucking rug out from under me.
Marielle: I still thought it was cool.
Melanie: Like anyone cares what you think.
Too bad, I liked her.
Melanie: Well, now you can like her forever.
I’m pretty sure someone’s eventually going to kill all of you.
Melanie: I’m pretty sure I’d love to see them try.
Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Warlock: It’s okay, I’ve got it covered.
Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Piece of cake.
Did you just hit Melanie with fucking LIGHTNING?!
Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Mayyyyybe!
That is the most amazing, epic thing any of my Sims have ever done!
Melanie: WANNA SEE ME GO ONE BETTER?!
Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Oh, goddammit.
Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Warlock: It’s… it’s just a flesh wound…
Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Zombie Warlock: -sigh-
Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Zombie Warlock: At least now people will have an easier time understanding when I eat their babies.
Hi Jan! Hi, The Unsavoury Charlatan! Stop scheming, you’re out of your league.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Mwah, nyeanh, henh henh!
No, seriously dude, just give up and leave. Go back to stealing wallets at weddings.
JUST FUCKING GO HOME DUDE.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Theoretically… if one were to construct a cage… baited with brains, of course… outdoor theatre space can be had on the cheap in downtown Centreborough… there are ethics laws, of course, but officials can be bribed…
Let me guess: you’re useless, just like all the other zombies with hair that isn’t pink.
Hey, nicely done Amaya! I expected you to suck like the rest, but you really came through for me!
Jan Johnston: Whose side are you on, anyway?!
NO. No! Shoo! On your broom!
Heather Fuchs the Infallibly Good Witch: I have come to clear the skies of that wretched Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Warlock’s foul magic.
Look, this is a bad time, okay?
Heather Fuchs the Infallibly Good Witch: These times are indeed, as you say, “bad,” but with the timely aid of intrepid young souls like this strangely-hued moppet we may yet draw back the seductive satin veil of evil!
Melanie: I’m intrepid!
Melanie: But you know, I’m really more in the mood to cut a witch.
Heather Fuchs the Infallibly Good Witch: OH SHITS YOU’RE A FUCKIN’ ZOMBIE!
Tag me! TAG ME! I wanna beat up the yappy witch too!
Melanie: Ding, dong! The witch is undead!
Emma: Which witch?
Melanie: The Infallibly Good Witch!
Heather Fuchs the Infallibly Good Zombie Witch: Man… my business cards are already a fuchin’ nightmare…
The spectator sport potential of zombie apocalypses never really occurred to me before this.
Gerard: BOO! FUCK ZOMBIES!
That’s a real unpopular opinion you got there, Gerard.
This is Nawwaf Ngai. With a combo like that she’s basically just putting him out of his misery.
Jordan Bachman: I think you just pooped your pants, lady.
Melanie: Shows what you know. I’ve been pooping my pants for hours!
Melanie: And now it’s your turn!
Melanie: HEY! Are you taking shitty pictures again?
It was just one! Please don’t tell my sponsor!
Cheryl Player: Oh god… how many hotness points is this gonna cost me?
All of them.
Nice of you to join us, Kaylynn!
Kaylynn: Always happy to help!
Hey, check it out! It’s the poorly-timed temporary zombie re-skin! Say hello to the nice people, poorly-timed temporary zombie re-skin!
Shannon: …who are you talking to?
Jacqueline: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES SHE’S FUCKING INSANE
Melanie? What did you do?
Melanie: Sucked her skills out through her nose with a magic vacuum cleaner.
… RUN FOR YOUR LIVES SHE’S FUCKING INSANE
To think that all this time we were blaming the cow mutilations on aliens.
Jacqueline: Do you have enough brains to be doing that?
Addison: I scooped some from Meredith, that head wound of hers never really healed.
Sean is down with his funky self.
Melanie: You look like a fucking tool, dude.
Sean: Bitch can’t take the heat.
Melanie: WHAT WAS THAT?
Sean: Eep! I mean, NOTHING!
Melanie: That’s what I thought.
Melanie: FUCKING BEES AGAIN WHAT
Melanie: SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!
Melanie: I’m warning you!
Yes… honey! Ahahahaha.
“How to Eat Friends and Infuriate People.”
Things sure have gotten quiet around here since everyone died.
Sean: Hey baby, I hear you croaked.
Addison: I wish I could talk to girls like he does.
Avri: Come back! I have flowers!
Marielle: Sorry, I can’t see the flowers for the fungal rot.
In my restless dreams… I see that place…
Geoffrey Kalson: This is not your dorm.
Melanie: I’m changing it up for the last couple of days. I hear the food’s better here.
Hey, it’s Tracy Raymond! My own personal stalker.
Apparently she only has eyes for me.
Geoffrey: STOP STARING AT GOD SO MUCH
Avri Leelaporn: Dude, close the door, it’s fucking freezing outside!
Dude… you have PORN in your NAME?
Ocean Do: Hey, get off me dude! I don’t swing that way.
DUDE. YOUR name is OCEAN DO? Where are you people coming from?
Melanie: STOP RINGING THE FUCKING DOORBELL.
Prof. Leo Lim: !
Emma Jayapalan: Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape!
Man, Geoffrey is failzombie.
Prof. Leo: AAAACK! -splat-
Alon Majekodunmi: ?
Prof. Leo: WHO LEFT ALL THESE TRIPPING HAZARDS OUT HERE?!
Geoffrey: Oh, you about to get wrecked, son!
Geoffrey: OR MAYBE I’LL JUST SLIP ON THE ICE AND BREAK MY HIP
Melanie transitions into Marylena Centowski’s epic terrible dress. How’d you get the blood stains out?
Right, okay, that’s disgusting.
How’d you manage that?
Kaylynn: WHY would anyone build a PIT at the top of a HILL in the middle of NOWHERE when they’re expecting their FRIENDS who are ZOMBIES to visit.
Are the builders zombies too? Because if not, well, there’s your explanation really.
Kaylynn: Hey, this place is really cool! Isolated too. How many campers have “gone missing” so far?
Don: None yet. We were waiting for you.
Kaylynn: -sniffle- It’s so nice to be wanted!
Wow, that’s… totally out of character.
You… can’t be here.
Nolan Trottier: Deal with it.
No, I mean you literally can’t be here! Mascots don’t leave the university lots!
Nolan: And zombies don’t spread zombiism. I think maybe somebody needs to recognize that maybe this neighbourhood doesn’t care about your stupid rules.
And I think somecow needs to recognize that maybe THIS IS STILL A VIDEO GAME.
Nolan: Yeah, because that would be totally great for my sanity.
Sunny: Euuugh. Don, you’ve really let yourself go.
Cecilia: No! Too soon! My training is not yet complete!
Apparently Sinjin Ying has x-ray vision. Are you Captain Hero?
Oliver: WHOAH. WHOAH. What prompted THAT?!
Cecilia: I can’t protect you. My axes are at home. You’re about to die.
Oliver: If your axes are at home, why am I about to die?
Cecilia: There are more dangerous things in this world than me, Oliver!
Oliver: Name two.
Don’t look so smug, dude. You just beat up a teenager.
Don: Okay, yeah, but ask him his name.
Alright. What’s your name, son?
Griff Andrews: Griff Andrews, sir.
Holy shit, that’s badass! Good work, Don!
Don: ‘s all I’m sayin’.
Kaylynn: THIS IS FOR YOUR SHIT SERVICE
That’s not the restaurant host. That’s a completely different set of grey dreadlocks.
Kaylynn: They’re a hivemind. The dreadlocks are their mind link apparatus!
I’m thinking that probably isn’t true, but I’m also thinking that I shouldn’t try arguing with anyone who could come up with something like that.
You know, I sent you fuckers here to buy CLOTHES.
Well, congratulations Kaylynn. You’ve beaten up an elderly woman.
Kaylynn: Okay, yeah, but ask her her name.
What’s your name, ma’am?
Sandy Hiatt: Sandy Hiatt.
Holy shit, that’s… just a regular name? What the fuck, Kaylynn?
Kaylynn: IT WORKED FOR DON OKAY
Reed Sell’s Thumb: -disapproves-
Don: Wow, would you look at that! She kicked the CRAP out of that poncy guy!
Oliver: Heh, yeah. That’s Reed. He’s a wuss. I call him Weedy Reedy. As of just now.
Don: It’s good to see you again, Olly…
Don: YOU FAT DOUBLE-CROSSING PIECE OF SHIT!
Oliver: I still think Cecilia’s scarier.
Larry Johnston: WOO! GO DON! He was my paperboy! 🙂
That’s great, Larry.
Don: Payback’s a bitch, ain’t it, Oliver? And you know what else is a bitch, Oliver? You! You’re my bitch, Oliver!
Cameron: Have you been rehearsing that, Don?
Oliver: But I’m a playable!
A playable Murphy. Dime a dozen.
Oliver: “HE WAS MY PAPERBOY”?!
Larry: Well excuse me for having some customer loyalty!
Cecilia: So… how do you feel?
Melanie: Pleased to meet you! Shall we dance?
Oliver: I have a sudden urge for… coral. No, wait… spaghetti. No, wait…
Larry: I was thinking maybe we could take a raincheck on the whole “zombie” thing.
Oliver: I can get this, just gimme a second!
Cecilia: How come you guys are beige?
BECAUSE I MAKE POOR DECISIONS.
Don’t get it? How about this, then:
Better? I’m just trying to prepare you for the all-Simlish Chapter One Hundred and Eighty.
Reed: Boo! Boo! You’re supposed to wave a flare, right, and run away, but then stop moving because they can only see you if you move!
You’re thinking of Tyrannosauruses, Reed.
And also that’s wrong.
I suspect this might put a bit of a dent in your culinary career, Sunny.
Kaylynn: Mmm… so that’s what teen brains taste like! I want more!
With his brains missing, Oliver becomes the one man on earth who can happily shop for clothing with his girlfriend.
Oliver and Griff: Go Team Zombies!
Well, that’s enough painting the town beige for now. Let’s get out of here before Centreborough crashes.
The Charnel House in all its gory glory.
Don: Will you, suddenly blue again Kaylynn, consent to be my stinky bride?
Kaylynn: Of course, my rotten little studmuffin!
Wait, no: eww.
I now pronounce you gross and grosser.
Nerissa Raymond: Hey, you guys, congrats!
Nerissa: Huh. Zombie. What’s going on with that zombie?
Cameron: Welcome to our house! Enter freely, and of your own free will!
Nerissa: What a nice lady.
Nerissa: Oh boy, there’s a horror movie on!
Yes, there most certainly is.
Nerissa: I love horror movies!
You’re in luck, then.
Kaylynn: Thanks for the wedding gift!
Caryl Raymond: Mommy? Are you down there?
Caryl: I think I see something.
Caryl: Oh boy! A clown!
Caryl: But not a very good clown…
Melanie: Not a very good clown at all.
Caryl: Come on, Dick! Let’s check this place out!
YOU SHOULD LEAVE! YOU SHOULD LEAVE!
Dickson Fairchild: I dunno, Carrie… something’s telling me we should leave.
Dickson: This place just doesn’t feel right somehow, but I can’t quite put my finger on why.
Caryl: Oh boy! There’s a horror movie on!
Caryl: I didn’t know you had a girlfriend, Dick!
Caryl: I bet they’re having sex!
If you go out in the woods today…
YOU’RE SURE OF A BIG SURPRISE.
Caryl: …SUDDENLY I HAVE TO USE THE LADIES ROOM.
Caryl: Oh god… and then the roof caves in and the walls fall down and they just roar and reach in and eat me whole.
Again with the Tyrannosaurs!
…oh yeah. Tyrannosaurs. Not “Tyrannosauruses.” My eight-year-old self would be so embarassed for me…
Something wicked this way comes…
Melanie: Don’t be afraid, little girl. Everyone dies eventually. And most of them will die pretty soon.
Cameron: It’s really just a journey of discovery, Caryl! A smelly, painful journey of discovery that probably ends as a greasy smear on the floor somewhere, but a journey of discovery nonetheless!
Caryl: I’ll just be leaving now.
Cameron: Not that way you won’t.
Caryl: Well, no, I was gonna wash my hands first. Geez, you guys really are disgusting!
Cameron: You’ll learn pretty quickly not to apply too much friction or moisture to your skin.
Dead, and loving it!
William Thorne: Excuse me, sir? My friends were supposed to meet me here? I thought this place was an empty lot…
Don: Glad to meet you, son. My name’s Don. What’s yours?
William: William. Are my friends here?
Don: You know, William, it’s pretty late for a kid your age to be wandering in the woods… alone.
William: Haha, okay, actually Mr. Don, I think you’re right, and I’d better be leaving now! Goodbye!
William: Oh my god! Mrs. Raymond? Is that you?!
William: OH NO I’VE NEVER KISSED A GIRL
Cameron: And you never traced the problem back to that hat?
Cameron: Suffer the little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me.
Don and Kaylynn: Hey, nice, that’s really creepy.
Cameron: I know, right?
William: I hope this new club doesn’t interfere with my soccer practice.
Caryl: Now we can all be together… forever.
…SO! On that cheerful note, it’s about time this update was wrapped up. Next time, Pine Valley falls under the shadow of the Zombie Queen. Is there any hope at all? You’ll find out soon!
Comments are always welcome on any entry, no matter its age, and all comments will likely be responded to.
You’ve been warned!