Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
This update takes place entirely at Mount Noble University. There’s no sex, and very little nudity; they’ve been cancelled on account of ZOMBIES.
In Chapter Twelve, Cameron Price betrayed her fellow dormies at Burke Hall and invited the zombies in. North Residence remains uninfected… for now.
I wonder what Chelsea’s been up to. What have you been up to, Chelsea?
Chelsea: PUTTING A STUPID ZOMBIE BITCH BACK IN HER PLACE. UNDER THE GODDAMN GROUND.
Holy shit! Where did you get that gun?
Chelsea: Campus Store.
Melanie: Whoa, whoa, let’s not be hasty now. Don’t do anything you might regret later!
I think the insane cackling is a sign that she won’t be regretting this, Melanie.
Plus you kinda ate her sister. And all her friends.
Melanie: Christ, is she still mad about that? That was, like, forever ago.
Melanie: OH MY GOD YOU *ACK* PUNCTURED *ACK* A LUNG! Do you know how high my health insurance premiums are gonna be now?!
I can’t decide if this is hot, terrifying, or both.
You are not a wizard.
Melanie: BULLSHIT UNIVERSITY EDUCATION
Melanie: Undeath… is… only… the beginning.
Chelsea: What’re you gonna do now, bitch?
Melanie: Glitch out and disappear?
And she did.
Margaret Player: HELP ZOMBIES
Don’t help the zombies! They’re doing fine on their own, thanks!
Margaret: HELP ME THERE ARE ZOMBIES CHASING ME
That’s better. If we let the language break down we’re no better than monkeys or teenagers!
Chelsea: Zombie COWS, no less!
Douglas Davison: WHY IS SHE POINTING A GUN AT ME OH MY GOD
Chelsea: That’s just what I’d expect a zombie to say!
Chelsea: DIE, ZOMBIE SCUM!
Douglas: Luke… help me take… this cow head… off.
Chelsea: This’ll teach you to set off sprinklers and flirt with random people!
Douglas: I was walking… upright… you stupid… bitch!
Chelsea: Shit… you were, weren’t you?
The Grim Reaper: I LIKE THE WRONGFUL DEATHS BEST.
Ratna Futa: Hi! Please don’t eat me!
Chelsea: No worries! Welcome to Chelsea Price’s Healthy Home for Not Zombies, where your brains are safe with us! Unless you’re in a costume, in which case there’s a good chance you’re fucked.
Random Number Generator Fact: This dude is a pizza delivery person named Ratna. One of the other pizza delivery people is also named Ratna.
A GIRL THAT WILLIAM HAD SEX WITH.
Ratna: Before you ask, no. I haven’t had a sex change.
Well of course you haven’t! You’d have asked them to fix your face while they were at it.
Chelsea: YOU’RE NOT A NOT ZOMBIE!
Prof. Grayson: HOW DID YOU KNOW?!
Chelsea: Don’t think I’ve forgotten that “B+” on my portfolio!
Prof. Grayson: It lacked direction and flourish!
Jerome Carlson: I never knew how much I needed a chick with a machine gun until I had one.
Professor Grayson: At least put away this damn book.
Ratna: I’m going to un-put-away all the books just to spite him!
Skylar: I WASN’T SNIFFING YOUR MATTRESS
I think I’m in love.
Ratna: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog! 😀
Skylar: Whoa, wait a second… right over him? That’s pretty good, for a fox!
I’m with you, Ratna.
Nothing spruces up a new place like a tiny zombie graveyard.
Finally, some serenity.
Chelsea: They can’t take the sky from me.
Chelsea: Ouch. Looks like the Simternational Space Station miscalculated its orbit.
Just your average college workstation.
Chelsea: My pathing is on fire.
Yeah, it does that.
I’ve heard of people dropping their standards in crisis situations, but this is just ridiculous.
Jerome: Hey, man, that’s not very nice. She’s not that ugly.
I… no, never mind.
Tyler: I am reading this book. I am totally sitting here because I want to read this book. That is what I am doing.
I believe you.
…fuck, no, you’re not getting me this time. *opens SimPE*
Mackenzie Almassizadeh: And he was all like “Nuh uh” and I was all like “Uh huh” and…
Geoffrey Kalson: Yeah, could you, like, move a bit to the left? No, your left. A bit more… ah… Yes. Go on.
Jerome: All my stinky all your books.
Chelsea’s graduating, so it’s time for you bums to go to a real graveyard.
A real graveyard with really deep graves, preferably.
Explain to me why they have to change outfits when the Young Adult and Adult models are identical?
Addison: Hey! Where’d the meals on wheels go?
Melanie: This guy looks like a douchebag. Let’s do him first.
Darren Barrett I don’t WANNA be in a horror movie! >:O
Melanie: Looks like you’re the football today, Charlie Brown!
Melanie: Man! What is this place, Douchebags R Us?
Pretty much, yeah.
Melanie: I’ll do this bitch instead, I don’t wanna get addicted to douchebags.
Good idea. He’s invincible while he’s dancing, anyway.
Melanie: Ha! No way can you stand up from that angle!
Roger: What’s this all over my hands? Is this sweat? This had better fucking be sweat, buddy!
Shannon: YOU FORGOT TO SLIP ME THE ROHYPNOL!
Aurora: Ugh! Who in their right mind would want to touch you?
Shannon: Surprise! I keep a little extra ass whuppin’ in all these pockets!
Wow, okay, if even the zombies think you smell bad…
Aurora: It’s gonna take more than a handwipe to cure what ails you, girl…
Prof. Emily: Doesn’t anybody answer the doorbell anymore?
Melanie: You want in? Fine. You’re in. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Prof. Emily: But you didn’t warn me!
Melanie: I JUST TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY THAT!
Melanie: It’s so nice to meet someone new 🙂
Darren: SHANNON SMELLS BAD
Jordan: That’s my fault?
Roger: HELP MY BALLOON’S STUCK HELP
Whoa guys, calm down. There’s enough pancakes for everyone.
Sean: Christ, it’s like Big Brother in here.
Celeste Mazza: It looks more like Hell’s Kitchen to me.
Darren: I got to first base with a girl!
Jordan: Man, those dust clouds hide a lot!
Something on your mind, Sean?
Sean: Yeah. Her mind.
Roger: She’s heavier than my usual kicky bag, but I think we can make this work!
Jordan: THIS IS FOR MY PARTICIPATION MARK!
Prof. Emily: OH, YOU JUST GOT SCHOOLED! BITCH!
Wow… Prof. Emily is a TANK.
Prof. Emily: Come on, all of you! I’ll take all of you on at once! BRING IT ON! BITCHES!
Roger: This old lady is starting to freak me out.
Jordan: THIS OLD LADY IS ALREADY FREAKING ME OUT
Prof. Emily: For your homework tonight, I want you to write me a five-page paper on at least fifty reasons why you don’t fuck with Prof. Emily!
Don: I think we need to replace Jordan.
Don: With dead Jordan.
I think Prof. Emily might be willing to provide you with that.
Prof. Emily: I’M GONNA GET TENURE ON YOUR ASS! BITCH!
Shannon: Oh no, old people swearing!
Emily: OH YEAH! FEEL THAT? THAT’S MY BOOT GIVING YOU A NEW ASSHOLE, YOU FILTHY ROTTEN #%@#$@#%!
Roger: What could that word even be?
Prof. Emily: Oh, hi Roger! 🙂 How did your exams go? 🙂
Roger: Haha, fuck THAT. I’m not STUPID.
At least they can all agree that Shannons suck.
Huh. I guess Roger is stupid.
Shannon: And he stinks, too!
You’re one to talk!
Jordan: I hope next time she beats me I get infected with professorhood!
Needless to say, Emily won again.
Pinball game… FOR YOUR SOUL.
Don: Get her, my pretties!
Sean: What, the cheerleader?
Shannon: Are you nuts?
Don: Aurora? My… pretty? Get her?
Aurora: Do I look like an idiot to you?!
Melanie: IF YOU’RE NOT GONNA TAKE HER AT LEAST GET OUT OF MY WAY
Jacqueline: Crouching tiger!
Kaylynn: Evident moron?
Aurora: That is the slowest jump I’ve ever seen.
Kaylynn: Well, get ready for the fastest beatdown!
Melanie: I think I’ve found a new second-in-command!
What’s wrong with Amin?
Melanie: Besides his hair and his face and his everything?
Don: -is innocent of any wrongdoing-
Jordan: Who knew the fifth time wasn’t the charm?
Melanie: Alright, that’s it. I’m tired of you wasting my time, and I’m really tired of your hair being cuter than mine. A good leader knows when to delegate…
Melanie: …and when to downsize.
Jordan: Wait! Don’t I get to make a speech about why I’m a fighter and I think I should stay in Hell’s Kitchen?
Sorry Jordan. The tribe has spoken.
Jordan: Bitches threw me under the bus!
Oh, Melanie. You mischievious little imp.
You’ll be missed, honey.
Skylar: Who will?
I guess you won’t be missed, honey.
I suppose it’s hard to concentrate on anything, with all that asswhuppin’ going on.
Celeste: Can you guys, like, take this outside maybe?
Melanie: THIS IS WHY HENCHMEN GET SHOT GUYS
Meredith: I can’t believe there was an opening in here! North Residence WHAATTT!
Meredith: It’s a bit chilly, though. And… quiet.
Skylar: -slams Meredith’s head through a concrete wall-
Was this intentional, or did the rest just rot off?
Jason: HA HA SHE TOTALLY PISSED HERSELF
Yeah, well, she also totally kicked your ass a while back so I wouldn’t talk.
Farewell, nameless parrot. We hardly knew you. We didn’t know you. Who were you?
Kaylynn: I have defeated your minions! Now you must face me!
Melanie: I’VE BEEN TRYING TO FACE YOU FOR HOURS! LET’S DO THIS THING!
Melanie: TASTE IN MY POWER!
It’s okay, dear. You’re still pretty to me.
And now you get to spread a disease! Cheerleaders are usually really good at that!
Don: I am become Don, destroyer of dorms. Look upon my works, ye dormies, and despair.
Don: EW WHAT STINKS
Addison Lum: Dammit! I knew I’d stay alive if I kept dancing! I should have listened to you, Steve Miller Band!
Meredith: OH MY GOD HER SMELL IS TRAVELLING ON THE DUST
Meredith: OH MY GOD IT’S IN MY NOSE
She might have won the battle, but she’s still losing the war… against bad personal hygiene.
Meredith: Fuck, I didn’t know it was “Kick a Ginger Day” already!
Oh, Shaun of the Dead.
Jacqueline: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE FUCKING TREES
I seriously have no idea what he’s doing here.
But he looks satisfied with it, so whatever.
Melanie: -gently caresses Prof. Emily’s cheek-
No, not really. Are you guys still that gullible? Jeez.
You fought the good fight, Em. Stand proud.
Prof. Emily: YOU SPELLED MY NAME WRONG ON YOUR FINAL PAPER. I HATE IT WHEN STUDENTS SPELL MY NAME WRONG ON THEIR PAPERS. IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE UNPROFESSIONAL ASSHOLES!
Prof. Emily: BITCHES!
Benjamin: Are you doing something different with your hair?
Vanessa’s old room is now a shrine to the dearly departed Sharpe Sisters.
Because if anyone deserves commemoration, it’s the people who indirectly caused the world to end.
Celeste: Except not at all like that. You know better than to fuck with me, right Don?
Don: Yes ma’am. I heard what the other cafeteria lady did with the macaroni and the arsenic.
Celeste: Good boy.
What is it with you dudes and your belly shirts?
Don: It’s just so liberating! The feel of the wind on your skin… well, I used to be able to feel it, anyway. -sniffle- Aw fuck, now look what you did! And I bet you anything my tear ducts get stuck open.
Don: Now about that big black zombie pit I wanted…
See you in Pine Valley, asshole.
Next time: probably more zombies? Fuck off already.
Comments are always welcome on any entry, no matter its age, and all comments will likely be responded to.
You’ve been warned!