Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
We now return to our nightmare already in progress.
Chapter Eleven was the kickoff point for the Zombie Apocalypse, which gets truly intense at Mount Noble University in this update.
But first, tits. Because tits!
That’s enough tits for now. How about some hot female fire-fighting?
Jordan Gast: You! Where’s the fire?!
You’re the firefighter, you tell me.
Jordan: Where’s the fire, ma’am?!
Brandi: Sorry, I don’t think you can help me.
Kacper: THE VOICES IN MY HEAD SAY BAD THINGS
Take two Valium!
Kacper: Where’s the fire, ma’am?!
Brandi: In my crotch. Why don’t you try and put it out with your penis?
Brandi: No, I’m serious. How would you like to be my special friend?
So, clearly you’re just marrying Bradley for his money. Actually… hey. Where is Bradley? You didn’t…
Brandi: Oh, don’t be silly. Why bother killing a man who spends all day either playing on his computer or lying on his back complaining about arthritis?
Kacper: You’re the prettiest thing I’ve seen since I watched my neighbour’s little boys walking to school this morning!
Cecilia: Explain to me again why we’re doing this?
Neil: Because you need to get fit for when the zombies attack!
Cecilia: Explain to me again why you’re wearing your general’s uniform even though you’re a retired football coach?
Neil: Because I’m vain!
Cecilia: So… tell me how to throw a good punch.
Neil: Imagine the face of someone who makes you angry. Like… try… that redneck dude on the Yummy Channel.
Cecilia: That redneck dude on the Yummy Channel makes me pretty angry!
Neil: That wasn’t bad, but I think you can do better.
Victoria: Neil! Cecilia!
Neil: Your stepmother’s calling.
Cecilia: SHE IS, IS SHE?!
Neil: We have a winner!
Meanwhile, Sullivan has learned to reproduce asexually.
Sullivan: Don’t tease them, they enjoy it.
Fine. This is Leonard Murphy, Stephen and Abigail’s latest hellspawn.
Sullivan fucking scares me.
Meanwhile, WHAT HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT
Melanie: This is a paid advertisement for the zombie apocalypse. Coming shortly to a Pine Valley near you!
HOW DID YOU GET IN
Melanie: See you soon.
Yup, yet another new Murphy house. This one, though, I actually like.
The tiny ground floor is Abigail’s crypt and workshop.
Brandi: I don’t know who that is…
Brandi: …but I bet he wants to slip into someone more comfortable!
Nice beard, dude.
Andrew: I don’t hear her complaining!
So, you couldn’t wait one more year for Cameron and Chelsea to graduate?
Andrew: Frankly, after the last three years it’s nice to be dating someone who doesn’t need extensive plastic surgery to look halfway human.
Brandi: This isn’t a date, this is a one night stand!
Andrew: Six inches of one, half a dozen of the other!
Brandi: Is he gazing longingly at me?
No, he’s asleep.
Brandi: Thank god.
Whatever she might think, they’re not a badly-matched couple.
And that isn’t a badly-matched couple either!
Moving on to singles that should be couples…
William: Get off my back, dude. We’re happy the way we are! I mean, watch this. Sunny? You awake?
William: Blowjob, Sunny!
That is pretty cool.
William: Show me a married dude who can swing that.
Curtis Pratt: The lady is with me, buddy. She’s already got a cow, what would she want with a zombie?
Chelsea: This date is not my finest hour.
Chelsea: Curtis! What happened? Did a cheerleader sneak up on you?
Curtis: I think this is one of those geeks with the clubhouse in the woods!
Chelsea: Oh shit, don’t hurt him! They’re all rich kids with lawyer dads!
Chelsea: That was pretty impressive, dude!
Curtis: Now can I take my mask off?
Chelsea: And ruin the mood?!
Chelsea: Oh, come on! They serve hamburgers inside, bitch!
This date is starting to look like a really bad idea.
Chelsea: It looked like a really bad idea when you came up with it! Why am I dating the cow?
I honestly don’t remember.
Ally Ternynck: You really wanna start something with me, snowflake?
Jason: Cheerleaders fighting zombies? That is SO HOT.
Melanie: Stick to the guitar, Chris, and leave the brains to the experts!
When the fuck did you get here? DO YOU TELEPORT?!
Melanie: I am borne on your nightmares.
Sean Wolosenko: Hey baby, wanna ride on my nightmares?
Curtis: This has the ominous feel of a boss encounter.
Worse, it’s a scripted death!
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Sir, if I might impose on you for just a moment?
Gerard: Can this wait? There’s a pink-haired zombie fighting a cow behind you.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Oh, I say, that’s quite a good one! May I borrow it?
Chelsea: When did the world get so weird?
Shortly after you were born.
Oh, that’s not good. That’s not good at all.
Gerard: Zombie cows. Zombie cows, in my lifetime. Brilliant.
Sean: It wasn’t milk! It was alcohol! I swear!
Chelsea: So yeah! Curtis! It’s been fun, but I never putrefy on a first date. Bye!
At least now you have a reason to look like a monster.
Curtis: I hope she doesn’t see me drop these off!
I’m sure there’s lots of other stuff dropping off of you to distract her.
What I wouldn’t give to read the note on those flowers. “Thanks for the fun, sorry I ate people.”
Avri: Oh, don’t mind me. Pretend I’m not here. Carry on.
William: Why does this keep happening to me?
Chelsea: Between the date cows and rape llamas this place is really going to hell.
Don’t forget the frat zombies!
And the corpse coaches!
Poor Amar. Never got up the courage to walk back out the door marked “Women.”
Perhaps he was afraid he’d emerge a changed man.
Are you molting clothes?
Hey, Cameron… whatcha doin’?
Cameron: What I have to.
What does that mean?
Fuck off. The front door’s locked, you can’t get in.
Melanie: I think you’ll find we can.
I’m sure this is a silly question, Cameron, but I’ll ask it anyway: did you invite the zombies over?
Cameron: I’m a Knowledge Sim! I want to experience everything the world has to offer!
Zombies are not an offer! Zombies are a plague!
Danielle: Sheesh, I’ll use the other door if it’s that much of a problem for you…
Cameron: Hey guys! How’s the ol’ clubhouse doing?
Roger: Not bad, once you get used to the smell! Or your nose rots off. Whichever.
Apparently Roger is still sore about that whole “becoming a zombie” thing.
Danielle: You could at least have set me down on the carpet!
Ash: This isn’t fair! I was supposed to be the sleeper agent!
You moved in before Melanie became a zombie. Was this somehow all planned in advance by some strange and malefic power?
Ash: Of course not! Don’t be silly.
Jason: You didn’t think they’d let me have this Genuine Reproduction SCIA Agent Suit without attending Almost Real SCIA Agent Basic Training at SCIA Adventure Land, did you?!
Skylar: I can honestly say I wasn’t thinking that!
Ash: What happened to my diplomatic immunity?!
Melanie: Ain’t nobody who’s immune to what I got, buddy.
Well done, Cameron. Lifetime jail sentences for treason are particularly harsh when you’re an immortal zombie.
Cameron: Speaking of which, who wants to do the honours?!
Don: This is almost as good as tackling your sister.
Hey… where is Chelsea, anyway?
Cameron: Phew… is that smell optional?
The things they don’t tell you in the brochure, eh?
Don: Um… what the fuck, Cameron?
Cameron: I’m sorry! My man-whale fighting classes have been going really well, and I guess instinct just took over!
Man-whale fighting classes?
Cameron: I’m studying to be an Oceanographer.
Man-whale fighting classes?
Cameron: Oceans are strange sometimes!
Jess: You don’t get to be a rape llama by taking shit from weak people!
Yeah! You get to be a rape llama by giving shit to weak people, am I right?
Jess: DON’T TRIVIALIZE MY PROFESSION.
Cameron: Pick up the pace, boys! She’s getting away! 😀
Don: It’s about time you paid for your fashion crimes!
Coach Addison Jakobsons: I told you to work out more, Phelps!
Melanie: Oh, I’m sorry! Haven’t you been served yet?
Melanie: I really do appreciate your not running.
Cameron: I really would appreciate it if you’d hurry up.
Cameron: This is a lot of work for a lousy couple thousand Aspiration Points.
Cameron: Are those stars and symbols gonna cost me extra?
Coach Addison: You wanna take a seat and I can kick your ass at chess, too?
Cameron: You’d think after all I did for you guys, I wouldn’t get dumped on my ass like that.
Cameron: …to be honest, that’s a sensation I probably didn’t need to experience.
It’s nice that you discover that after dooming your entire generation to a slow shambling death.
Marylena Centowski: Braaaaiiiiinnnsssss…
Jess: Right here!
Marylena: Defennnnselesssssss braaaaaaiiinnnsssssss….
Don: That’s what you get for defiling the Queen’s bedchambers, infidel!
Emma: I don’t even sleep in there! I sleep in the shower!
Don: Man, it really wrecks up their faces doesn’t it?
You can’t even see her face, Don.
Don: No, but the aura of fucking ugly is already lapping around the back of her head!
Lovely. You’ve got a sort of Corpse Bride thing going on.
Cameron: Corpse Bride? Try corpse pride!
Marylena: Holy shit. Is that suit made of bricks or something?!
Oh, that’s much better. But how can you be a goth chick when your tear ducts are rotted off?
Jess: What makes you think you can beat me, weakling?
Skylar: The random number generator, that’s what!
Hey Chelsea! What’s up?
Where you running to?
Jason: Booyah! Another one bites the dust.
Melanie: Guess whose face is in this thought bubble I’m forming?
Jason: Is it my face?
Melanie: It’s your face.
Jason: I’ll just be leaving, then.
Danielle: THIS CRAPPY BUG COLLECTION STILL MAKES ME SO MAD!
Jason: I’m invincible!
Don’t count your chickens before you’re dead.
Finally caught up to you, did they?
Emmy: Nope. I took pity on them and let them catch me.
That’s big of you.
Emmy: It was either that or miss “Matlock” and I never miss “Matlock.”
Something about “Matlock” is just instantly funny.
Except on “Matlock” itself.
A fella can’t survive on brains alone.
Wait, no: is that the new whole-brain mac and cheese?
Wait, wait: I never realized that mac and cheese was brain food!
Ow, ow, okay! I’ll stop!
Jace: -has discovered a novel method of immunization-
This is what it looks like every time an uninfected person shows up on the lot.
You’ve got competition behind you, Marylena!
Marylena: -deploys stink countermeasures-
Karen Seiff: Oh my god! Is that pink hair!?
Finally, someone Danielle can actually beat.
Danielle: There’s always a smaller fish!
Karen: So… you guys got anything to eat around here?
Melanie: We thought we did, but somehow Danielle beat us to it.
What the fuck are you still doing here?!
Chelsea: APPARENTLY it’s not enough to run away. APPARENTLY I can’t leave the lot permanently unless I use the paper or the computer to find a new place.
Chelsea: No, it’s DANGEROUS. You want SENSELESS, talk to Tweedle Death and Tweedle Doom over there.
Avri: Come on, dude, wake up! It’s just you and me now!
Jason: zzzzzz oh baby yeah zzzzzzzz
Chelsea: Ooh, I just got a chill! Somebody’s remembering having sex with me!
Is that how that works?
Chelsea: I figure it must be, since I get chills so often.
Ash: Somebody… nearby?
Avri: Jason? JASON?!?!
Avri: Okay dude, you’re on your own. Maybe when you wake up this will all have been a nightmare. In which case this iteration of me will cease to exist. So yeah, maybe don’t do that.
Jace: -is just so unconcerned, guys-
Cameron: So THAT’s what power feels like! It feels like YOUR SKIN FALLING OFF!
Makes you wonder why people want it so badly, eh.
Eeeurgh. Maybe you should just bury this one.
No, I mean, seriously: FIERCE.
Ash: Thought you could hide from me in here, eh?
Avri: No, it was just advertising mood satisfaction to me.
Ash: That’s funny, I was getting the same message from your brains!
Avri: Dude, careful! Don’t actually distress my artificially-distressed jeans!
Now there’s just one last little sailor man left…
…and he ain’t no Popeye, that’s for sure.
Jason: Oh, seriously dude, fuck right the fuck off. I get a POPEYE JOKE for my zombification?!
You just lost to Danielle. You’re your own joke.
Frostbite isn’t a very good zombie disguise, Grayson.
Prof. Grayson Suwankiri: Wh-wh-wh-why wo-wo-wo-won’t they an-an-answer the doorb-b-bell?!
You’re gonna lose a lot more than a random extremity now.
Chess match… FOR YOUR SOUL!
Danielle has seen the future, and it definitely involves Prof. Grayson’s grey matter.
Not if she’s streaking in winter, Emmy.
Prof. Grayson: For the last time, Danielle, none of the pieces can move off the board, onto the grass, or into your mouth.
A captive’s audience.
Prof. Grayson: Ahah! I won! Freedom is mine!
I’m not sure what led you to that conclusion.
Ash: Fuuuuuckk…. your braaaaaaains…. outtttt…
We already used that one, but I can see it took a lot out of you so I’ll let it stand.
Emma: WEAR ME LIKE A DRESS
Danielle: Well no wonder he won, he used the Hyper Accelerated Dragon opening with a Creepy Crawly Formation!
Karen: I think you need a shower, Ash.
Ash: That’s pretty far down on the list of things I need right now, Karen.
Karen: Not from where I’m standing, Ash.
Ash: Then stand farther away, Karen.
Ally: All you’re doing is making me mad, you know.
Ally: Alright, who else wants some?!
Cameron: Maybe you guys should come back over. Maybe you guys should come back over RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
Cameron: Oh, that’s just the sound of a half-dozen asses being handed to their owners.
Melanie: Where did she say she was?
Don: Walk this way.
It had to come up sometime.
Did you happen to see a cheerleader go by?
Amaya: Yeah, she just ran past me.
And it didn’t occur to you to follow her? You deserve what happens next.
Amaya: But I wanna play chess with the funny hair lady!
Melanie: Starting with a Flat on Your Ass Gambit? Risky, but intriguing!
Amaya: I’m just gonna crawl into this garbage can.
You do that.
Should you be twisting that far?
Cameron: There’s gotta be some benefit to having no feeling in your entire body.
I’d thought Amar had bugged out when he died, but after seeing his ghost I tore the place apart and found his urn… UNDER THE COUCH IN THE LOUNGE. Is there anything you can’t find under a couch?
Cameron: Come on, you guys, limber up! It’s time for my victory lap!
Marylena: Can we pick up a snack on the way?
Jason: Can we just do the snack part, and skip the whole “lap” bit? It’s just that I think my left foot just fell off.
Cameron: Fuck it, I’m leaving you all here to rot.
Step 3: profit!
If only we knew what the first two steps were.
Cameron: The first two steps were the ones I took before my left foot fell off, too.
Jason: See! I told you!
I still don’t see where a money memory comes into all this.
Cameron: I got a bursary for my high marks.
You had high marks? After you spent all semester spreading the zombie plague to your dormmates?
Cameron: When you get all your needs satisfaction from eating people, you need to do something to occupy the time you used to spend sleeping.
I never really thought about that. And I was happier that way.
A traditionally hilarious transition.
Next time: the body count rises, but is a cure in sight? Stay tuned!
Comments are always welcome on any entry, no matter its age, and all comments will likely be responded to.
You’ve been warned!