Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Ready to rock and roll? Sex and fire, comin’ right up!
In Chapter Nine the serial killer torch was passed, William Sharpe finished a legendary sex spree across Mount Noble University, and Andrew Murphy brought Pine Valley papergirl Melanie Lillard with him to MNU.
The Price Girls have arrived! Hey, the Price Girls, that’s clever. Cameron’s choice of outfit is…
Cameron: Never mind that now! What the fuck is my sister doing?
She’s macking on your boyfriend.
Cameron: She can’t fucking do that!
Sure she can. You’re not in love anymore, because he transitioned to young adulthood before you.
Cameron: But he’s my soul-mate!
It’s university, babe. He doesn’t want a soul mate. He wants a warm…
Cameron: DO NOT FINISH THAT SENTENCE.
Chelsea: Serious hotness, coming through!
Yeah, but it’s not coming through very fast; it’s having a hell of a time getting past all that ugly on your face.
Nothing a quick visit to Dr. Vu’s Automated Surgeon won’t fix! First order of business: getting into the Secret Society.
FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS: GETTING INTO THE SECRET SOCIETY.
Chelsea: I heard you.
Jason Schamess: -is barely in this picture-
Chelsea: They say you should never trust a man who kisses with his eyes open.
Yeah, actually, I said that. Before you were even born. But anyway, it’s doubly true in your case; if a dude can look at that face and kiss it, he’s definitely got some ulterior motives going on.
Chelsea: Take me, you sexy yellow man-stud!
Andrew: But what about your sister?
Chelsea: You can take her later!
Aw, come on, Chelsea! Don’t you wanna be beautiful?
Chelsea: Why? It’s not like I have to look at me!
Look, I’m sure this would be a lot more pleasurable if she had a face that was actually attractive.
Andrew: Why? I’m not putting my dick in her face!
Chelsea: Funny you should say that.
You should both be ashamed of yourselves.
Andrew: Right after I bone this hot naked chick. First thing, I promise. Shame sundae, coming right up.
Andrew: Hey, hey! Watch it with those teeth!
Andrew: Boy, I sure do feel terrible about all this. The parts of me that aren’t in indescribable ecstasy do, at least.
Okay, knock it off. I get the picture.
Andrew: Make sure you get several pictures.
Chelsea: Your turn.
Andrew: But it’s gross.
Chelsea: Yeah, because your goosebumpy tadpole sack was so appealing.
Andrew: Rt drsnt trst lrk chrkn rt rll!
Andrew: So… you’re keeping the hat on?
Chelsea: Um, duh? Otherwise I’d be naked?
Andrew: Right. Of course. My bad.
Andrew: I just remembered I have a guild raid this afternoon.
Chelsea: They can wait. Get down here, close your eyes and think of Azeroth.
Andrew: Man, this is so overrated.
Andrew: FUCK NO! Are you kidding?!
Disgusting. Shameful. Just simply revolting.
Andrew: That why you’re taking so many pics?
Yes. No. Shut up.
Andrew: How’s the view from up there?
Andrew: Send me a copy, would you?
Chelsea: Andrew… I think we should get married.
Chelsea: Because cheating makes me hot.
Oh, I see you’ve decided to have your cake and fuck Cameron too.
Andrew: Dude? Sisters! I’m only Simian!
That you are, Andrew. That you certainly are.
Andrew: Did I do that wrong? I did that wrong, didn’t I.
I’m not telling you.
Come on, Cameron. You deserve better than this.
Cameron: Do I?
No, not really, I’m just pissed off.
This is the dorm maid. Your dorm doesn’t have a dorm maid? Your dorm sucks.
She’s very… assertive.
Chelsea: -sings- I’m gonna wash that man-jizz outta my hair
Aw, did that long day of ruining my well-laid plans tucker your little self out?
Dammit, you guys are still really cute together.
Cameron: -looks hopefully toward the future-
Andrew: -does the best he can, bless him-
Andrew: I should never have agreed to do Chelsea’s art homework.
Cameron: It’s gotta be better than mine. Do you remember what Planck’s Constant is, off the top of your head?
Andrew: Man, that sounds awful. Hers is just a bunch of fast food restaurant application forms.
That’s so romantic! Don’t ask him where his mouth has been, Cameron.
Cameron: What did he say?
Andrew: NOTHING. HE DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING. (The fuck, man?)
I’m still mad at you.
Andrew: Hey, baby, you wanna…
Cameron: What? What?!
Andrew: …is that a robot-making station?! That’s so cool!
Andrew: Meredith! Wow! Fuck! What! Meredith! Hi!
Meredith: Cameron was too slow.
Andrew: Apparently! What? Wow! Okay! Weird.
Andrew: Don’t give me that look! She just showed up!
Cameron: Under you.
Cameron: With your dick in her.
Andrew: Stop making it sound so stupid!
Andrew: Hey, baby, this is my sexyface.
Cameron: You look like a douchebag.
He is a douchebag.
Andrew: You’re not into kissing right now?
Cameron: Not until you brush your teeth. The whole damn dorm heard you talking through my sister’s vagina earlier.
I call this next segment “Dancing with the People who Can’t Dance!” Enjoy.
Words just don’t do it justice.
It would be cuter if she was cuter.
It would be cuter without the cooter.
Look, even the covers won’t touch her.
Daryl LeTourneau: -dies-
Hey, um… wow. Was the mac and cheese really that bad?
Rishell: Did I use too much arsenic?
You used any arsenic?!
Rishell: I didn’t have almonds!
A sensible response.
Lisa: OH MY GOD THE CAFETERIA LADY JUST KILLED THAT UGLY GUY
Rishell: GO BACK TO SLEEP LISA
Daryl’s Bowels: -release their contents-
Rishell: I suppose the rest of you expect some too?
The Grim Reaper: CAN I GET EXTRA ARSENIC ON MINE?
Andrew: HOLY SHIT HE STINKS
Chelsea: HOLY SHIT HE DOES STINK DOESN’T HE
Melanie: OH GOD HE SMELLS LIKE EGGPLANT FARTS
Lisa: FUCK THIS IS BORING
Cameron: WOULD YOU ALL GO AWAY SO I CAN FUCKING SIT DOWN
Andrew: Man, Chelsea is HOT.
Everyone Else: -actually notices that someone just died-
Daryl: Bye, everyone! I’ll miss you!
Cameron: You’re really milking this, aren’t you? Just fuck off and be dead already.
Burke Hall at MNU: first class all the way.
Virginia: Power suit!
Yeah, it’s a power suit. But it’s not, you know, a powersuit. It’s not powered. It doesn’t give you any powers, is what I’m saying.
Virginia: WELL GET RID OF IT THEN.
Let’s get this shit over with so you can start breeding.
I’m not too happy with Vanessa, but she’ll do.
Vanessa: What the fuck does that mean?
Why do you guys have to talk so much? I like Sims better as mute insult absorbers.
Yup. Virginia is absolutely fucking gorgeous.
Vanessa makes up for her somewhat less alluring looks by dressing like a workin’ girl.
Vanessa: It’s what Jesus would do.
Trying to remember your pimp’s number?
Vanessa: Wondering how many grade points it’s worth to pull my neckline down a little.
Alright, time to tour our last dorm: North Residence!
Why’s the picture at night? Why WOULDN’T the picture be at night? Huh? HUH?!
It’s got a weird seventies coloured concete kind of vibe.
Definitely less institutional than Burke Hall.
Although perhaps its designer should be in an institution of some sort.
Along with whoever painted that lurid canvas nightmare.
A bit like a hippie commune, isn’t it? I wonder if they serve Kool-Aid.
I miss the rooms at Walker Hall, which can actually accomodate my camera.
Not that much happens at university worth shaking a camera at.
Virginia: Look what I found!
Don’t touch it! It might have rabies!
Don: Oh, baby… you are so much hotter than that ugly chick I used to date.
Don? You guys brought Don with you?!
Virginia: Do you know any other male teens?
It’s just that… who’s gonna deliver the papers now?
Virginia: Mmm… I thought the Catholic high school uniform-esque outfit would discourage this sort of thing.
Don: You’re joking, right? That’s, like, every dude’s fantasy! Especially the atheists.
Dorm Flamingo: Guys, seriously. Get a room. Before they’re all taken?
Vanessa: Oh, Jerry! Love is in the air tonight!
Jerry: I DON’T LIKE AIR.
Vanessa: I can work with that!
Vanessa: What changed between now and five minutes ago?
Jerry: I have a fetish for ruining people’s first kisses.
Oh, push off. Double that length and you still wouldn’t good enough for my precious Virginia.
Virginia: Double that length? Can we talk this over?
YOU DON’T GET A VOTE.
Sweet, sweet Virginia.
Virginia: Hey, wait. Did we just skip ahead somehow? Did I get screwed or what?
Just play the damn game.
Virginia: DID I GET SCREWED OR WHAT
YOUR NAME IS VIRGINIA! I DON’T WANT TO RENAME YOU!
Go ahead, do whatever. I like your sister better.
Vanessa: I’m… I’m… OH! Heartbroken. OH! WOW!
You don’t look heartbroken.
Vanessa: Not… really… feeling it… right now… for SOME… silly reason. OH!
Jerry: Wait, what are you not feeling?
I’m pretty sure she’s feeling THAT, Jerry.
Blair Welsh: You know, I just woke up, I’m having my breakfast, still clearing my head… but…
Blair: …are there two people fucking outside the cafeteria?
I hope there’s a mapping satellite going by right now.
Stretching your legs, huh? I bet Blair’s view is much clearer now.
…or not. Heh. College.
Well. That was a short day, huh?
Vanessa: Heh heh, well, it sure felt like a looo-
NO. STOP. SHUT UP.
You know what, Vanessa? Yes! I’ll grant you that. Sultry.
Vanessa: SULTRY. 😀
Jerry: I’m still stuck on number one.
Addison Alioto: I told you, the answer is “Jerry Jakobsons.” The name field isn’t supposed to be a trick question, Jer!
Virginia: Just posing.
Virginia: So you remember why you’re not gonna kill me.
Good plan, well executed. Lacks a certain edge, though.
Virginia: This any better?
That is all of the better.
I’m sure there’s a perfectly good reason I gave you glasses. It’s just that, for the life of me, I can’t figure out what it might have been.
Vanessa: We’re going to have to go inside eventually, you know.
Jerry: That sucks, because I’m pretty sure we’re fused together by now.
Alright, cut it out, you’ve made your point.
Virginia: I’m not the one with the camera, dude.
Hey! Now wait just a damn minute!
Don: Bad idea, I’ll probably be done by then.
Virginia: You’d damn well better not be.
Virginia: Pull your legs in a bit.
Virginia: The door’s still open!
Don: Well duh! The photographer for the school paper isn’t here yet!
At least you’re enjoying it.
Virginia: It’s not like I have a choice. “It” is like three feet long!
That’s not as uncommon as you might think. Hey… you’re not doing this because he reminds you of-
Virginia: NO I’M NOT FUCKING DON BECAUSE HE REMINDS ME OF MY BROTHER.
You had a weird childhood, I wouldn’t blame you for being a little messed up!
Virginia: Oh, Don… I’m so glad we found each other…
Don: Yeah… Virginia… I’m -so- glad you talk so much…
Don: My body is tingling all over!
Virginia: Oh yeah! I almost forgot! Do you know how to get rid of ants?
I hope you don’t expect me to let you keep this douchebag.
Virginia: Can I at least keep part of him?
Sure. I’ll get the jar, you get the formaldehyde.
Why the long face?
Ramin Wade: They have a house. I wish I had a house.
It’s Yvonne’s birthday!
Sullivan: Shut up, you little bitch. I’m washing the goddamn dishes.
Yvonne: Oh, Sullivan! We love you.
Faith: Yeah! Woo! Go Yvonne! Get ‘er done!
Sullivan: Twirl that thing one more time and I’ll stick it somewhere you’ll need a coat hanger to get it back from.
Yvonne: Check it out! Total awesomesauceness, comin’ atcha!
More like… subtotal awesomesauceness, I’d say.
Um… whatcha doin’?
Franklin: Having an Instant Meal.
Anything… the matter?
Franklin: No, why?
Farewell, Laci. We’ll always remember you.
In the form of Laci II.
Melanie: HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD HOLY SHIT
Kacpier Siew: I’M BAILING BITCH SORRY
Melanie: MY ASS IS HOT!
Yeah, it’s the only part of you that I’ve ever really liked.
Melanie: NO I MEAN MY ASS IS ON FIRE!
Look, don’t get a big head about it. Have some humility!
Melanie: I SET OFF A FIRE JET IN MY ROOM!
And why did you do that?
Melanie: SO ANDREW CAN SAVE ME FROM THE GRIM REAPER!
And why is that a thing?
Melanie: BECAUSE I’M A KNOWLEDGE SIM! IT’S A HIGH-SCORING WANT! AND YOU’RE NOT GIVING ME MUCH ELSE TO WORK WITH HERE!
Meredith: MELANIE JUDAS LILLARD, YOUR LIFE IS OVER.
Melanie: I’m on fucking FIRE here Meredith this is NOT FUNNY.
Meredith: HOLY SHIT YOU REALLY ARE ON FIRE OH MY GOD
Melanie: I KNOW RIGHT
Melanie: WHERE THE FUCK IS ANDREW?!
Andrew: Let me in!
Kacper: Everything’s under control here.
Andrew: My ex-girlfriend is on fire!
Kacper: And that’s a problem?
Danielle: WHY DOESN’T SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING?!
You want to know why?
Melanie: WHY WHY OH MAKER WHY
Jace Copur: -is just SO CONCERNED GUYS-
BECAUSE WHEN YOU SET A FIRE IN A DORMITORY WITH ELEVEN OTHER PEOPLE IN IT, ELEVEN PEOPLE STAND IN FRONT OF YOUR FUCKING DOOR AND NOBODY CAN GET IN TO SAVE YOU.
Cameron: Oh my god! Vas anyvone in here?
Melanie Lillard, now and forever, ladies and gentlemen.
Emma Jayapalan: I’m new here 🙂
Hope you brought a dustpan.
Lisa: GUYS GUYS LOOK A GHOST
Melanie: They can’t hear you, Lisa. You’re astral projecting.
Lisa: I thought it was weird that I was awake.
Oh god that’s creepy just go.
Study party! Is it helping?
Avri Wheeler: You’d be surprised how few transferable skills you learn in “Undeclared” classes.
Study party redux! Does it work better if you sit on other people’s assignments?
Andrew: It helps with the bell curve.
Oh, harsh! Ejected from the study party.
Cameron: Why is my ink running?
Because you’re OUTSIDE and it’s RAINING?!
Across the hall: asshole party!
Meredith: STOP HAVING FUN GUYS I HATE FUN GUYS STOP
Apparently Smustle dancing is like the Borg or something.
Jess: You think we should rape them?
Ally Ternynck: Honestly, the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.
Chelsea: So hey, am I in?
Roger Custer: What? Huh? Oh! Oh! What?
Chelsea: Did I get into the Secret Society?
Roger: Sure! Fuck! Sure! Whatever!
That’s one way to do it.
Jason’s… not in the Secret Society…?
Chelsea: I know 🙂
The only cure is more cowbeat!
Rishell: OH MY GOD I BET THEY’LL THINK THIS WAS MY FAULT SOMEHOW
For fuck’s sake, woman, don’t bring it in with you!
Rishell starts fires like Kanye West starts arguments.
(I wrote that two years ago and it’s still perfectly serviceable).
Edit: Six years and counting, joke still works.
Danielle appreciates the only legacy Melanie has left to us: her bug collection.
Danielle: There’s, like… two bugs in this thing.
It’s not a great legacy.
Jerry: We can stop anytime you want…
Jerry: I really won’t take it personally…
Is it easier from that angle?
Jerry: I dunno, she’s been passed out for an hour. I’m afraid if I move she’ll bite my dick off.
Don: IIIIIIIIII CAN SEE YOUR PANTIIIIIIIIIES FROM DOWN HEEEEEEEEEEEERE
Virginia: You wrote me a song?!
Kaylynn Fairchild: Yeah, we’ll let you out. As soon as you pay up.
Don: Hey baby, wanna participate in a common cliché about the loose sexual morals of cheerleaders?
You awful, terrible person.
Don: Don’t be mad at her, it’s the only thing her kind understands.
I’m not mad at her. I’m mad at you. You already have the best goddamn girlfriend ever.
Don: Never underestimate the seductive power of an open and welcoming vagina.
Don: Hey, my tie matches your outfit.
Kaylynn: Focus, honey.
Don: Hey, my tie matches your outfit. On the floor.
Kaylynn: …is my hair black now? Am I wearing makeup now?!
For some reason your name wouldn’t come up on the makeover chair, so I used cheats to change your appearance.
Kaylynn: Your childish impatience is definitely a good reason to loosen my grasp on reality.
Kaylynn: Speaking of loosening grasps…
Don: Only if it’s to have more sex.
Kaylynn: Haven’t you had enough already?
Don: That was with the old Kaylynn. I want to compare!
Don: Aww, man… he didn’t do anything to your vagina!
There’s that word again…
Yeah. That’s not creepy at all.
Jasmine Corsillo: I just want to take her hair.
Oh, well, okay then.
You know, you’re growing on me. I might let you make it back to Pine Valley alive.
Vanessa: Is that an offer, or a threat?
Virginia: Hey! Season-appropriate outerwear! Seems so obvious now.
Jess: (stealthily) FADA SOOLA GOR!
Jess: (surreptitiously) FADA SOOLA BRON!
Jess: (quietly) FADA BABY ODA BABY GONK GONK GONK!
Jess: (reverently) GERBITS! GERBITS! VOHHHHH GERBITS!
That is the most terrifying thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Not what you’d normally want to see, walking into a bathroom.
But some bitches need to get the fuck out.
Jaqueline Hutchins: Unngh… just five more minutes mom…
Five more minutes and you’ll be a greasy smear on the tiles, you rotten little snit. GET UP. YOU HAVE A REAL BED.
Don: Every time I see you, Kaylynn, I get chills up and down my spine!
Actually, I’m pretty sure that was the onset of winter doing that.
Don: Nonsense, it’s not winter yet!
Winter: FUCK. Seasons aren’t like light switches. Somebody needs to stop screwing with the weather! Call me back when it’s really my turn.
Don: Okay, anyway, Kaylynn! I got you this thing!
Kaylynn: OH MY GOD IS IT A WATCH?!
Don: Kaylynn and me was like douchebags and cheerleaders.
Kaylynn: HOLY SHIT IT’S JEWELLERY?! I WOULD NEVER HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT!
Don: So yeah, will you marry me?
Don: …is that a yes?
Don: A woman after my own heart…
I think she’s after your money, actually.
Don: But the way to a man’s money is through his heart.
Or his pants pocket when he’s asleep, but believe whatever you want to, dude.
Trevor Phelps: Ben! It’s him!
Benjamin Peshterianu: Shut up dude, I’m trying to figure out this question!
Trevor Phelps: The answer is “Benjamin Peshterianu.” But look! Dude! It’s the dude!
Benjamin: What dude?
Trevor: The dude! The dumb dude with the chicks! The dude that the dude with the thing told us to give the thing to so he could make the chick thing and cause the thing with the dudes!
Don: I’m right here, guys.
Trevor: Like that matters. You’ll never break our dude code!
God, you people are like zombies or something.
Kaylynn: Not like there’s anything else to do around here.
Having built “around here,” I take that kinda personally.
Kaylynn: Try living in it.
I WISH I COULD 🙁
Gerard Rossi: Got me an ath-letic scholar-ship.
Prof. Emily: -disapproves so fucking intensely-
The only thing more hilarious than his appearance is her face.
Tracy Raymond: -stares-
She does this to me ALL FUCKING DAY.
Virginia: So, what’re you studying?
Vanessa: Art history. You?
Virginia: I’m not actually studying anything. I just like watching the dudes walk by, see us, and then try to pretend not to stare.
-sniffle- She stayed at her post… while the dormies ran…
Celeste Mazza: Enough with the fucking Star Trek jokes already.
Enough with the fucking everything already! That’s Chapter Ten, done and done. After the next chapter, things will never, ever be the same: the apocalypse begins in Chapter Eleven and will consume the entire neighbourhood before it ends. The violence, nudity, crudity, sex, and sex will expand to truly epic proportions. BE THERE.
I really hate dormies…
Comments are always welcome on any entry, no matter its age, and all comments will likely be responded to.
You’ve been warned!