The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Nine

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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Feeling bloodthirsty? I’ve got your fix right here.

Chapter Eight was full of sex and murder, and this update promises to up the ante. Can you handle it?

I bet you can.

Bradley: Have you met my daughter Chelsea? She’s about your age.
Andrew: No… but I’m dating your daughter Cameron…?
Bradley: I still think you should talk to Chelsea. Unlike Cameron, you see, she’s already ruined.

Andrew: Your dad thinks I should come on to you so I wrote you this song. “HIIIII CHELSEA YOU’RE SO HOTTTTTTT”
Chelsea: Ohmigod, you wrote that yourself?!

You’re a terrible Family Sim, Andrew.

Andrew: Dude. He Influenced me to Flirt with her. I didn’t have a choice!

There’s always a choice, Andrew!


Bradley: You little shit! How dare you cheat on my daughter! This one here, well, she’s a heartless hedonist like her mother, but poor innocent Cameron… how can you live with yourself?!
Andrew: Right, okay, I’m leaving.

What’s that?

Bradley: Our grandfather clock.

Is that how it’s supposed to look?

Bradley: No.

So what happened?

Bradley: I tried to fix it.

Oh. I see.

Well done.

I’m gonna change that sidebar to “Birthday Household” soon, you watch.

Yvonne: Which one is this? Does he have a name? I’m so lost.

Me too.

Thankfully, instinct takes over.

Franklin: Wow! I look awesome!

Wow, you look unfortunate.

I just built this damn house and the kids are already having to share rooms. STEPHEN AND ABIGAIL HAVE HAD SEVEN CHILDREN.

Hey Abby, your… water is on fire.

Abigail: Yeah, it does that.


Jessie Peshterianu: -is a goldmine of comedy-

Vanessa: Yeah! Woo! Grow into that face, Cecilia! Grow into that fucking hideous face!

Are you ready? Can you stand the terror? Can you survive the horror?

I am a master of tension.

…she’s actually pretty much okay! I would never have called that.

Cecilia: It’s what’s inside that matters.

I’m not sure you want to say that, considering what’s inside you.

Cecilia: Hey, my insides are staying where they belong. It’s everyone else who needs to watch out.

Her Turn Ons are Fitness and Glasses, and her Turn Off is Fatness. She prefers Sims who’ll be able to evade her briefly, bumping into things and screaming as they flee.

Cecilia: Ah, you know me too well.

Vanessa: Vicki! So good to see you!
Vicki: Hi Vanessa! I got your message. What did you want to see me about?
Vanessa: Well actually, it was Cecilia’s idea. Come on inside! Enter freely, and of your own free well.
Vicki: Not ominous at all!

Vicki: The seasons are changing…

Yes. Now is the winter of our dismemberment.

Vicki: This… this is an… unfinished room? With nothing in it? Why are you showing me this?
Cecilia: Look closer.

Vicki: …I think I should be going now. I just remembered I left not dying on the stove.
Vanessa: >:D

Vicki: Phhlllblll! What the fuck, kid?!
Vanessa: Bleach balloons! They’re not just for emergency stain removal anymore!

Cecilia: While she’s blinded, could you lock the door, Vanessa?
Vanessa: I already did.
Cecilia: Oh. Then… why the bleach balloon?
Vanessa: Because bleach balloons are awesome? Seriously, Cecilia, you really need to develop a sense of humour.

Cecilia: Fine. Have you heard the one about the avenging angel, the axe, and the bitch who killed my mother?

Vicki: Heh… I’m just gonna leave now, okay? Okay.
Cecilia: Hmm. Now, does that make sense to you, Vanessa? Vicki leaving?
Vanessa: Can’t say that it does, to be honest.
Cecilia: Well, I’m pretty sure my thoughts are in still order. What about yours?
Vanessa: Exactly where I left them.
Cecilia: Well, if I’m not getting scatterbrained… and you’re not getting scatterbrained…


Vicki: Now wait. Wait! Just a second! I can explain about your mother!
Cecilia: I’m sure you can.
Vicki: No, really! I just picked up the axe to scare her, I swear! Then something came over me, and the next thing I knew, she was dead! Honest! I’m telling the truth! I don’t wanna die!
Cecilia: Aww, Vicki! Don’t think of it as dying!

Cecilia: Think of it as passing the torch.



Yusun Macauley: Hi! I thought I heard screaming. Is everything okay?
Cecilia: Everything’s great! We’re having a party. You want in?

Cecilia: Yeah, well you’re a dead person, so you’re not one to talk. ‘cuz you’re dead.

Yusun: Does this mean there’s actually no party?


Yusun: It’s not completely outside the realm of possibility!


Cecilia: Hey, I think I’m getting the hang of this!

Vicki: My work here is done.

The axe murderer is dead; long live the axe murderer!

Vicki: See you in townie hell, Yusun!

Yusun: Do they have parties there?

So I take it you’re not planning to turn yourself in.

Cecilia: It’s not too high on my list of priorities, won’t lie.

Well… I mean, killing Vicki was just revenge, and killing Yusun was just covering your tracks. I’m sure you’re going to at least exercise some restraint from now on? I’m sure you’re not planning on making a habit of this?

Cecilia: What do you think?

Grey Rook: Run! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! The great pink beast strikes again!

Whoa. I see you’re pretty broken up about Vicki dying, Neil.

Neil: Yeah, I’m real upset that my crazy murdering wife got crazy murdered before she could crazy murder me.

And clearly Victoria is devastated by the loss of Ian.

Victoria: I never got too attached to him, I knew you were gonna kill him off eventually.

Am I that predictable?

Victoria: No, but he was definitely that boring.

Heh… yeah. He was.

Neil: It’s funny how things turn out, isn’t it, honey?
Victoria: You mean how you cheated on me, and then cheated on your second wife, and then your third wife killed your second wife and half a dozen other people (including my fiancĂ©), and then your daughter with your second wife killed your third wife and a random person who was just walking by? You’re asking me if I think that’s funny?
Neil: Yes.
Victoria: I’ve missed you, Neil.

Andrew: Hey! When did you start getting so clingy?
Cameron: When you started coming home smelling like my sister!

Andrew: Aw, that was just your dad messing with my head. I don’t think he likes me.
Cameron: Well, your dad did sleep with my mom.
Andrew: I don’t think he knows about that. And anyway, the way I hear it, there wasn’t a whole lot of sleeping involved.

Cameron: Do you really have to go to university?
Andrew: I really do.
Cameron: And do you really have to bring a townie girl with you?
Andrew: Nah. That part’s totally by choice.

Andrew: I’ll think about you every day!

No, you won’t. Once you age up you won’t be in love with her anymore, and I’ve got a papergirl lined up to replace her.

Andrew: The cute one with the brown hair?


Andrew: SWEET. She’s way hotter than what’s-her-name.


Andrew: Who’s that, then?

Oh, what? Another prof, William?

Prof. Phoebe Johnson: It’s not what it looks like! I’m his Phys. Ed. teacher!

You’re #13, is what you are.

Is it just me, or is he totally missing your vagina?

Prof. Phoebe: I don’t like to imagine where it’s going otherwise, so I’m gonna go ahead and pretend it’s just you.

Uh-oh! He’s melting into a puddle of water like that dude from X-Men!

William: Hey, Tyler… um… you mind?
Tyler Kramer: No, man, it’s fine! I don’t mind at all.

Sunny: He’s not leaving, is he.

William: No. No, he is not.

Alright: marathon time!

#14 is Tori Kosmokos!

William: Her hair didn’t look this stupid when I asked her out.

#15 is Jan Johnston!

Jan: No relation!

To who?

Jan: That professor? With the same-

Don’t care!

#16 is Marielle Ternyck! This is becoming a full-time job, and a well-paying one too: the date rewards have gotten him literally thousands of simoleons so far.

Marielle: I’ve shopped around, and William is definitely the best value for my vagina dollars!

Yet another prof! Marsha Long is #17!

Prof. Marsha: I’m… I’m… (oh yes, right there) I’m tutoring him.

Lady, there is nobody on this SimEarth who could teach him anything about what he’s doing right now. He’s tutoring you.

Meredith Schweber has awesome hair and is also #18. Can you guess what the magic number is?

William: Look, I’m kinda on a roll here. Please don’t fuck it up for me.
Lyndsay Weburg: I only have one condition.
William: Shoot.
Lyndsay: I get two pics.

Deal, but that one counts as the first. #19! Almost there!

Arianna: Sometimes I feel like people can see right through me.

You’re probably just paranoid.

William: You’re going to sleep with me. It’s a mathematical certainty.

It’s almost as likely as my not having a picture of the deed! Anyway, Shannon Phillips is #20 and William’s got a pretty major Want fulfilled.

But why stop there?

Ratna Lillard: Where… where… would… you… like… your… pizza…

It all happened pretty fast. #21! And the first of five Service Sims.

Ratna: Wait… did you say the first of five Service Sims?!

Yeah. I figure he’ll call the Subway delivery girl next, and trade his footlong for hers.


Ratna: Well played.

William: I love you, honey!
Sunny: >:[
William: I also love twenty-two other people.
Sunny: >:[
William: I’m sorry?

Yeah, my bad.

“Keep out! I’m pissing the bed.”

Perhaps you could wait until you’ve moved in before you cheat on your girlfriend?

Andrew: Fuck that. Cameron’s still a teen. Until I replace her, I think I’m technically a pedophile.

Every university has that dorm people refer to as a jail or dungeon. Mount Noble University’s is Burke Hall.

Just inside the entrance is this cold and cheerless stone living area. Because university living isn’t really living at all.

The equally cold and cheerless cafeteria. Mm, despair.

The tiny computer room…

…and the tiny lounge and skilling room. Feeling depressed yet?

The bedrooms have a bit more warmth to them, not that it matters; most students prefer to pass out on the floor in a puddle of their own urine. It’s just the way things are done here, you know?

Andrew: Shall we pick out our rooms, honeybunch?
Melanie: Can’t we just share one, pookums?

Yes, do that. I’ll make it easier for me to light you both on fire.

Andrew: Seriously though, Melanie, I always thought you were really hot…
Melanie: Yeah baby! I’m into you too!
Andrew: I was gonna add, “but on closer inspection, you’re really not,” but you interrupted me.
Melanie: Well maybe I wanted to save you a lot of pain and suffering.
Andrew: What pain and suffering?
Melanie: Ask your balls five minutes from now.

Shabby Road.

This is Lisa Hourvitz. She’s majoring in Shower Sleeping.

There’s two showers in each washroom.

Danielle: Oh, I’m not waiting to use the shower. I’m studying for my Shower Sleeping class.

Melanie: You seem a bit distracted, Andrew.
Andrew: Well I can’t imagine why.

Melanie: The psychological half of the game is very important.

Melanie: Unfortunately… so is the actually-knowing-how-to-play-chess half.

Oh, awesome. That’s Melanie’s room. At this rate of escalation, Lisa will be blocking the fire escape of a burning building by next week.

Hm. I might have underestimated her.

I choose to believe they’re placing bets on when she’ll die.

Jess Shaw the Rape Llama: Come on, big money! Big money!

This is just a trial run, right? You didn’t have another kid, did you?

Anyway, meet the new Murphy family butler, Sullivan Kearney. Hi Sullivan!

Sullivan: Those little shits make me feel filthy from across the room.

You will come to know and fear Sullivan.

Stewart Murphy is almost certainly yet another clone of his brothers, even though I do everything in my power to get the genetic randomizer rolling. Oh well. He’s perfectly Neat (10/10), just barely Outgoing (1/10), mysteriously Active (10/10… where the hell did you get that from?), pretty Playful (6/10… again, what the hell?) and very Nice (8/10). Sounds like a Family Sim to me! Stupid boring Murphys being stupid and boring. His One True Hobby is Tinkering, if anyone cares.

Stephen: I care!

If anyone I care about cares.

Neil: Bye, Virginia!
Virginia: The taxi isn’t here yet.
Victoria: See you later, Virginia!
Virginia: The taxi isn’t here yet!
Neil: Alright Vic, ready to do it on the couch?

Virginia: There should be a law against old people sex.

Neil: Victoria… will you remarry me?
Victoria: NO!
Neil: What? Really?
Victoria: Sorry, that was my common sense talking. Of course I will, honey!

Neil: I bet I can fit this whole box in my mouth!
Victoria: I already said yes, you can stop trying to impress me now.
Neil: I’m not trying to impress you, I’m trying to push the boundaries of human knowledge!
Victoria: Then maybe you should donate your brain to science.

This would be cute, if it had any chance of ending well.

Here’s Neil’s marriage track record:
1) Neil marries Victoria;
2) Neil cheats on Victoria with Laci;
3) Victoria divorces Neil;
4) Neil marries Laci;
5) Neil cheats on Laci with Vicki;
6) Laci divorces Neil;
7) Vicki kills Laci;
8) Neil cheats on Vicki with Victoria;
9) Neil’s daughter kills Vicki;
10) Neil marries Victoria again;
11) God creates dinosaurs;
12) God destroys dinosaurs;
13) God creates man;
14) Man destroys God;
15) Man creates dinosaurs;
16) Dinosaurs eat Man;
16) Woman inherits the earth.

I think that’s how it went, anyway. More or less.

Neil: So… wanna bowl?
Victoria: What are you, a high school shooter?

Cecilia: Have fun, Van! Ha! Van in a van! The Van van! Ha!
Vanessa: If I don’t laugh, will you kill me?
Cecilia: Let’s see how it goes.

Jess: I’m too fabulous to die!


Jess: Okay, guess I’ll be shuffling off. See you tomorrow morning!

I don’t think you quite get what just happened, Jess.

Cameron: Are you slowly drifting out to space?

I dunno, I think the moon’s gravity must have been a lot stronger this chapter.

William: You know what the worst thing about waking up next to the same woman every day is?

Honestly, no. I do not. But I’m sure you’ll enlighten me.

William: They expect you to remember their name.

Sunny: I could write it down somewhere you’ll be sure to look, if that would help.
William: But then how will I explain to all my other girls why I’ve got your name written on my dick?

This is Blazej Carr. He is awesome.

Here is what Blazej does all day: he pisses himself.

Blazej: That’s not fair. I also swoon over men.

Yeah, that’s right. Men. And nobody has ever flirted with him. He’s just naturally gay. And… leaky.

Blazej: Thi-i-i-is is all ki-i-i-inds of wro-o-o-ong!
Sunny: It’s no picnic for me either, let me tell you! Do you know how hard it is to get piss stains out of Aspiration Points?

This is Jordan Wheeler-Dealer.

Jordan: It’s… just Wheeler.

Look, I’m trying to spice this up, okay? It’s not easy writing captions for like fifty sex pics in a cramped computer room.

Grumble #22 grumble.

Now what?


You don’t have a baby! You haven’t had a baby for years!


Arianna: Why yes, Captain Stalactite! I do have tickets to the policeman’s ball! Thirteen to the dozen sounds pretty dicey, but I think we can make it if you stop biting the wax tadpole!

I think she’s grown dissatisfied with her poultry existence.

Writing your term paper?

Arianna: Writing my hate list.

Arianna: -yawwwwwwn-
Arianna: …what happened?

Oh, you passed out at the computer, then Sunny came in, sucked your Aspiration Points dry, and locked you in here when you passed out again.

Arianna: WHAT.

I know, right.

Melanie? What’re you doing?

Melanie: Kicking Andrew’s ass!


Melanie: Because he cheated on me with Sunny!


Melanie: Because she came on to him!


Melanie: Because William told her to!


Melanie: Because he wanted me to dump Andrew!


William: So I could fuck her!
Andrew: Why 🙁


Man. This picture tells a great story, doesn’t it?

Melanie: I’m trading up!
William: Sorry baby, I don’t play for keeps.

Melanie: That takes some of the joy out of this, won’t lie…
William: All on your end, thankfully!


Blazej: Don’t mind me.
William: Pissed yourself again?
Blazej: Pissed myself again. Hey, you know, you’re pretty hot.
William: Thanks!

William: I don’t know what to do with my life.

Bitches LOVE that.

William: Who’s the crying girl?
Sunny: Your fiancé.
William: What?! You brought me here to make out with you even though you knew Tristen would catch me cheating?
Sunny: Give me some credit, William! I brought you here to make out with me because I knew Tristen would catch you cheating!

Tristen: William! I can’t believe you’d cheat on me!

Cry about it. (Get it? Because her name is Tristen? No? Alright.)

William: You! Walk into traffic! Right now!

Sunny: …oh. Oh. Right. Shit.

Sunny: Seriously Arianna? First you go all possessive on me because you have the hots for my boyfriend, and now you let yourself starve to death next to a perfectly good nutrient-rich puddle of piss just to make me a murderer? Man, what a bitch you were!

Sunny: I’m glad you’re dead! And all up in my nostrils! Except that’s disgusting!

Sunny: Garbage out…

Sunny: …garbage in!

Sunny: The next time I mop up a puddle of piss, my adult diapers had better be leaking.

William: My innocent little baby.
Sunny: -is an innocent little baby-


William: Hey, we had sex in our bed and Arianna didn’t come in all bitchface on our asses!
Sunny: She must have moved on.

…The Aspiration Points must be for something else. Right?

Ever feel like torturing the coaches who show up and queuestomp your Sims to make them exercise? Here’s one technique: tell them to flirt with the cafeteria worker.

William: I’m taking this one home with me for later!

Sorry William, you can’t. She belongs with her own kind.

Mackenzie Almsass… Almassasasss… Almassassidissass…

Mackenzie Smith:

I forget how I was gonna caption this.

I guess it figures you’d be the only Sim to transition out of university suavely.

But as for you, hey! Put that blue hair back right this instant!

Blazej Carr’s Dorm Room Door: -eternally approves-

Whew! Next up: death and drama at Mount Noble University! Don’t miss Chapter Ten, where the wheels finally (FINALLY) start turning on the immense storyline that will consume Pine Valley and change the lives of every single Sim who lives there!

Comments are always welcome on any entry, no matter its age, and all comments will likely be responded to.

You’ve been warned!

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