Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
This is by far the longest of the original chapters. It’s also by far the best, so hopefully the length doesn’t put you off. There’s longer ones ahead in the future.
Last time, blah blah blah blah VICKI KILLED LACI WITH A MOTHERFUCKING AXE!
It’s winter! It’s winter, and you’re eating outside in your bathing suit!
Cameron: You gave us a patio!
I gave you a dining room, too!
Cameron: But you gave us a patio!
I’m amazed you people didn’t die out after The Sims.
Eventually, she exceeds her tolerance level for looming vampire hunters and heads back inside. Thanks, looming vampire hunter!
Looming Vampire Hunter: Just doing my job, ma’am!
I’m not a woman.
Looming Vampire Hunter: -looms-
Yusun Young: Happy Birthday Faith!
Stephen: -blows Yusun’s eardrums out-
That’s what you get for coming home with him on his daughter’s birthday, bitch.
Faith: -spits all over the cake-
More for you!
No pressure, but your chances of survival are very low if you turn out hideous.
Bonus points for wardrobe choice.
Faith: It’s still a bit much for a teenager.
Yeah, but Sim teenagers are basically eighteen years old for fifteen years.
God, can you even imagine. Ugh.
Anyway yeah, I guess you get to live. For now. Faith’s a Knowledge Sim, which is always dangerous. Her Turn-Ons are Logic and Mechanical, and her Turn-Off is Swimsuits. Because really, dudes look like shit in swimsuits.
Ian: Good luck with university, William! We’ll miss you!
Virginia: What? University? No! Get back here! You still owe me back wages, you asshole!
A true Fortune Sim, skipping out on your debts. -sniffle- I’m so proud!
Who’re you taking with you?
I’m gonna let you take one townie to university. Who’s it gonna be?
William: I’ll have to think about that. I have a lot of girlfriends.
Pick one that won’t turn out ugly, will you?
William: That might be difficult.
Aaaaaand now I don’t care what happens in this house anymore.
Pff. You got a parrot? Cecilia couldn’t even keep her MOTHER alive! Ahahahaha! Ha.
Ahem. What’s his name?
Vanessa: HER name is LACI.
… You named it after Cecilia’s mother?!
That’s… weird. So, how’s Cecilia handling the whole “murdered mother” thing?
Vanessa: I don’t know. She’s been in her room all day, reading “Axe Monthly.”
That can’t be good.
Cameron: IT’S PART OF MY UNIFORM.
What kind of scientific expedition insists on terrible matted hair?
Cameron: Haven’t you ever seen a movie? They all do! And later when the crisis hits, you brush it out of your face and take your glasses off and ooh ahh it turns out you were beautiful the whole time!
How’re you gonna fake that last part?
Cameron: I’m a bit worried, won’t lie.
So. That whole… killing Laci thing… that was just a moment of passion, right? Heat of the moment, kind of thing?
Vicki: Anyone who threatens my baby’s happiness must die.
Neil’s a grown man! He doesn’t need a serial killer bodyguard!
Vicki: Tell that to him! He spent most of last year in his room, reading “Serial Killer Bodyguard Weekly!”
Vicki: Have a good day at work, honey!
Neil: Got any big plans for your day off?
Vicki: Yeah, there’s a few things I’m throwing around.
Neil: Was that a subtle axe murdering joke?
Vicki: Shit, I didn’t mean it to be subtle!
Ember: Welcome wagon!
NOT A GOOD IDEA.
Vicki: Oh, hello Mrs. Price! Lovely day, isn’t it?
Ember: What’s in the woodshed?
Vicki: Well, be seeing you!
Vicki: Yes, hello! My name is Krista, and I’m calling on behalf of Hushed Whispers Cemetery. I’d like to speak to Ian Perry, please.
Vicki: Actually, could you get him to call me back at this number? There’s another customer I have to serve right now.
Ember: Sorry to bother you again, but I was wondering if I could use your washroom. The ol’ bladder just ain’t what she used to be.
Vicki: Sure. That’s really gross, but sure.
Ember: Great, thanks. Say, why don’t we hang out for a bit after I’m done? Unless you’re up to something this afternoon?
Vicki: Interesting choice of words.
Ember: Was it? I didn’t notice.
Vicki: Thankfully, we have a protocol for meddling old bats.
At least promise me you won’t flush.
Ember: This bitch is hiding something, and I’m gonna find out what it is!
Well… they say experience is the best teacher.
It looks like you’re about to learn a lot.
Vicki: The power! The energy! This axe is the best thing that’s ever happened to me! I’m never going to let it go.
That might make throwing it hard.
Vicki: No, but seriously! Nothing can touch my sweet darling Neil while I’ve got this baby in my hands!
And what do you think EMBER is going to do to him?
Vicki: I think she’s going to try to sleep with him! With my sweet darling Neil!
Ember: Sure, I was, but that was before I knew he’d been dipping his penis in cold liquid crazy!
Vicki: It doesn’t matter! You’re standing in the way of the plan!
Ember: What plan?
Vicki: The plan to protect my home by murdering everyone who can hurt my Neil!
Ember: Oh, that plan. Sorry. I thought it might be something insane.
Ember: I PROMISE I WON’T TELL ANYONE YOU’RE AN AXE MURDERER IF YOU PROMISE TO NOT BE AN AXE MURDERER
Vicki: Not good enough! I’ll shut your stupid blabbering mouth for good, you evil music witch! Nobody messes with my sweet darling Neil!
Ember: I knew it was a mistake.
You knew what was a mistake?
Ember: Becoming a metalhead.
What a terrible note to end on.
I’m sure the same could be said about her concerts.
Ember Price has reached the end of the line, the first of our six founders to founder. She will be sorely missed, unlike the well-balanced axe which scattered her grey matter with perfect accuracy.
Vicki: Awesome! No witnesses! Time to put the plan into motion!
And what do you propose to do with Ember?
Vicki: Let supernature take its course, of course.
Vicki: I really hope he picks up this time, I don’t wanna have to kill those stupid kids too.
Vicki: Mr. Perry! Wouldn’t you rest easier knowing you and your loved ones have holes in the ground with your names on them? Wouldn’t it make you feel so much more prepared and secure if you knew you could be six feet underground within twenty-four hours of some psycho wandering into your house and slaughtering you all? That sort of peace of mind can be yours, for the right price!
Vicki: Yes! We do offer group rates! And let me tell you, we’ve really axed our prices, too! HAHAHAHAHA! What? Oh, nothing. It’s just an inside joke. Although right now I guess I’m the only one left inside.
Vicki: Well the funny thing is, our toilets got all backed up and flooded the whole office, so I’m making sales appointments from my house today. If you’re interested, come on down, alone, unarmed, without telling anybody, especially the cops, or your family, it’ll freak them out, and let me broaden your mind! I can promise you a sharp, absolutely glistening conversation.
The Grim Reaper: AW, SHIT. I HAD TICKETS, TOO. MAYBE I CAN SCALP THEM BEFORE ANYONE ELSE FINDS OUT.
Vicki: Nah, Calm Corners is a complete waste of money. You don’t want to be planted with the rabble, do you? Speaking as a former NPC, I’d consider it a real insult to have dragged myself out of the gutter and achieved playable status just to end up alongside a bunch of butlers and papergirls.
The Grim Reaper: AT LEAST I KNOW THE RECEPTION’S GOOD HERE.
The Grim Reaper: HELLO? HEY HONEY. I’M BRINGING HOME DINNER.
Vicki: What’s that, Mr. Perry? I didn’t get that last part.
The Grim Reaper: SPEAK UP, HONEY! I’M GETTING A LOT OF INTERFERENCE FOR SOME REASON.
Sometimes I’m just so proud of myself.
The Grim Reaper: TELL ME STRAIGHT: SHOULD I EVEN BOTHER GOING HOME?
Vicki: Terrific! You’ve got my address? Great! See you soon.
Ian: I guess this is the place, but it doesn’t look very… funereal.
Oh, you’d be surprised.
Sunny McCullough: Hello there sir and/or madam! I’m here to tell you about all the great deals we’re offering on our complete line of hobby magazines! I can offer you a very reasonable subscription rate on “Bleach Daily,” I bet that white suit gets stains on it something terrible!
Vicki: You have no idea.
Vicki: Maybe come back in an hour? This gentleman and I are going to have a little conversation.
Sunny: Sure! Mr. Perry can tell you how excellent our product range is, I just sold him a lifetime subscription to “Narcissist Hourly”!
Colin Larrea: Who are you? Where are you going?
Vicki: Well, I was going to the woodshed, but I’ve got a spare crate in my bedroom. Come on in! The more, the murderer!
Colin: I must have heard that wrong.
Vicki: Yeah, you must have.
Vicki: So yeah, I’m not a grave plot salesperson. I’m Neil’s third wife. Let’s talk about how you’re fucking his first wife.
Ian: WOO SPORTS GAME! I AM WATCHING THE SPORTS GAME!
Vicki: Well, if you don’t wanna talk, I have other ways of getting inside your head.
Colin: Hey! I just found the door! Hey! You going somewhere? Where you going? Hey!
Colin: Ooh, is it a lumberjack party? I bet it’s a lumberjack party!
Ian: IT’S NOT A LUMBERJACK PARTY IS IT
Vicki: You and that albino bitch are breaking my sweet darling Neil’s heart!
Colin Larrea: Neil Sharpe? Like, the coach? Didn’t he get suspended for fucking like fifty cheerleaders?
Vicki: No! That’s a filthy, filthy lie! It was coaches. He fucked like fifty coaches. That’s how we met.
Colin: So romantic!
Ian: I always figured my death scene would be less… Tarantino.
Vicki: Man, that is one sharp suit, Ian! You’re quite the ladykiller! Mmm! What cologne are you wearing? Is that Axe?
Where have you been all my journal?
Sunny: Hey, what happened? Why is there an axe in Ian’s head?
Vicki: Oh, shit! Quick, fake tears!
Sunny: I don’t think you’re supposed to say that out loud?
Vicki: I wasn’t ready for you yet! It hasn’t been an hour!
Sunny: Oh, okay. I’ll wait outside.
The Grim Reaper: I DON’T SEE “MR. BIG” ON MY LIST ANYWHERE.
He’s not actually called “Mr. Big.” His name is Ian Perry.
The Grim Reaper: WHAT? THEY HAVE NAMES?!
The Grim Reaper: YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS LOOK A LOT ALIKE.
Colin: What? He looks nothing like me!
The Grim Reaper: I KEEP FORGETTING YOU MORTALS CAN’T SEE DEATH AURAS.
Colin: Man… I’m gonna die in these clothes…
I know, I’m sorry. If it’s any consolation, nobody will ever see your ghost.
Colin: That is not any consolation.
It is for me.
There’s only two certainties in Pine Valley right now: death and axes.
Any particular reason you walked past Colin to kill him from the other side of the room?
Vicki: I’ve already got a corpse over here. Don’t you know anything about Feng Shui?
Vicki: I sense a good photo-op.
Vicki: He really pulls the room together, eh?
Vicki Sharpe, ladies and gentlemen.
The Grim Reaper: WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN A SUMMER INTERNSHIP? THE COMPANY DISCOUNTS ARE QUITE INSUBSTANTIAL.
Vicki: Sorry, I totally forgot about you. How come you didn’t just leave?
Sunny: When have you ever known a Sim to have a self-preservation instinct?
Sunny: Wait! Wait! I can get you the entire print run of “Crazy Bitch Annual” for only §49.95!
Yeah, farm work can really give you an appetite.
Vicki: Farm work?
Vicki: Want me to make you one, Colin?
I’m loving the new decor, Vicki.
Vicki: It’s stabby chic.
Vicki: Guess what I did today?
Neil: Hey, honey. I brought a friend hommmmmmphhh.
Joe Carr Lookalike: Dude! Cosplay!
Joe Carr Lookalike: Dude! Awesome soulless revenant costume!
The Grim Reaper: YOU LIKE IT?
Sorry, Joe Carr lookalike. You picked the wrong day to carpool.
Alan Warner: But you never even got my name right!
You sure about that?
Alan Warner: SHIT.
More like whuck.
Vicki: I bet Neil will be mad now. 🙁
Vicki: Oh well, sandwiches.
Neil: How am I gonna explain this to my boss?
Vicki: Have one, they’re good! I made them myself.
The Grim Reaper: LOOK HONEY, I JUST DO THE REAPING. WHAT THE LITTLE BUGGERS GET UP TO WHEN YOU BEAM THEM UP IS YOUR PROBLEM. YOU TELL HER THAT BEING A ROCK STAR WHO DIED BEFORE HER TIME DOESN’T MAKE HER PARTICULARLY SPECIAL.
Neil: Seriously? Seriously? She killed Ember?! This is like trying to train a dog not to piss on your rug, only dog piss doesn’t kill people!
Well. I’m sure if you Google it long enough, you’ll find something.
Neil: Why did Ember have to die? Why is my wife a serial killer? Why is she wearing white? Why did she make grilled cheese sandwiches when she knows I don’t like grilled cheese sandwiches?
I got nothing. Sorry.
Vicki: You at least aren’t mad about this one, are you?
Neil: No, that one can go straight to hell.
Ian: I’LL SAVE SPOTS FOR YOU GUYS, THEN, SHALL I.
I hate that level of Snake Eater.
Bye Colin! There’s always resurrection!
Sure! Tons of Sims are gonna get resurrected eventually.
Colin: Awesome! I can’t wait!
Well I didn’t mean you. I just thought it might make you feel better, knowing the interesting ones might get to come back.
Ember: You sure can pick ’em, Neil.
Vicki: Come under the covers, champ.
Neil: I’m good.
Vicki: At least take your running shoes off? And maybe stop idling your car outside?
Neil: I’m definitely good.
Well. Look at you. Ready to study your ass off?
William: Yup. Studying asses. Check.
We haven’t been to Mount Noble University before, so I think a tour is in order. Are you ready? WIDESCREEN TIME!
For the sake of clarity, residences are labelled with letters while community lots are labelled with numbers.
A. Burke Hall
B. Walker Hall
C. North Residence
1. The Sloppy Llama
2. Llama Field
3. Campus Store
4. Health and Fitness Centre
5. McCloud Memorial Library
6. Bill Macintyre Athletic Centre
7. Sentinel Park
8. Student Centre
9. J.R. Forsythe Memorial Arena
10. The Corner Plaza
Let’s start with the community lots, shall we?
The Sloppy Llama is, of course, MNU’s bar. See that nice outdoor patio? No matter what time of year it is, if you come here to eat, you eat there. If you come in the wintertime, you die.
Llama Field was originally meant to just be decorative, but I figured… what the hell. Inside it’s got a cafeteria, some vending machines, and a set of nets for practices.
None of which ever gets used. Somebody gets fucked in the field, though, so there’s that.
As usual, the stupid sports facility gets the most attention lavished on it.
The Campus Store has all the basic amenities a newly-adultish Sim needs: a kiosk for buying cellphones, a tiny clothing section for changing out of those putrid post-aging Maxis duds (did you see what William was wearing up there?), and some grocery stands that nobody will use because nobody physically collects their own groceries in this game.
You wouldn’t catch me dead at a place like this. The Health and Fitness Centre is, like the gyms back in Centreborough, just a huge mass of exercise equipment. It’s also got a ballet barre and a little café, because fancy people deserve fitness too.
The library is full of bookshelves (shut your MOUTH!) and study carrels, plus a few computers and another café. Yeah, the library has a café. Your university library doesn’t have a café? Your university library sucks.
I totally just realized at this very moment that this ought to be an ATHLETIC centre. There’s already one fitness centre! I guess they’re just… really… serious about fitness. Srs bsns. Okay. It’s got two indoor pools, an indoor basketball court (it’s easy to do and I won’t explain it to you) and yet another fucking café. Look, I hate having to go home just because my stupid Sim gets tired, okay?
Every subneighbourhood needs a pointless but attractive centrepiece.
And I wanted to get SOME use out of at least one of these stupid huge statue things.
Attaboy! Protect Mount Noble from those barbarian hordes and their rolls of toilet paper!
Ran out of original names at this point, as you can see. The Student Centre has a tiny shop, just in case (just in case what? I don’t know, fuck off), a cafeteria, ANOTHER COFFEE SHOP, a pool room and some instruments upstairs for impromptu aural rape. Anyone who’s ever heard a band performing in a student centre knows exactly what I mean.
This building was a PAIN IN THE ASS from start to finish. I don’t wanna talk about it. Go away.
Kinda neat inside, though. Very authentic.
I get cold and bored just looking at it.
Our community lot tour ends on a suitably unimpressive note. Actual events coming soon!
For when I’m stupid enough to take my Sims out of the comedy gold that dormitories provide.
It happens periodically.
William’s got a room waiting for him here, so let’s not bother with the other dorms right now. They’ll get lots of attention when the rest of Generation 2 shows up and the university slog starts in earnest.
Walker Hall has the largest bedrooms on campus. So big I could actually fit my fucking camera in one.
Not by design, mind you. Whenever something works out for the best, you can bet it happened by sheer stupid accident.
The front hall. Get a good look, because five minutes after everyone moves in it’ll be plastered carpet to ceiling with blue assignment books.
The entertainment and self-improvement centre, which will naturally be empty most of the time.
Who has time to read a book or watch TV when there’s pants that need pissing?
The cafeteria, because dormitory lots are safe from my coffee shop fetish.
Finally, the computer room. It has a lockable door. That will become important later, for a variety of reasons. Okay, stupid boring shit done. Let’s crunch back to small-screen mode and get on with the show!
Just in case you’d forgotten. I know how lazy you pricks are.
Sunny: He is so fucking hot!
You think so? You didn’t seem that into him when you were teenagers.
Sunny: He rescued me from NPC limbo. That’s worth quite a few attraction points.
Goths are easy. He must have told her he felt like his parents didn’t understand him, and life was meaningless, and he had a job at a supermarket for her.
Hm? Fuck you, I’m not apologizing. I meant every word.
Sunny: I call dibs on that ass!
William: I was thinking of making a public offering, actually.
William: Wow! You are totally not a girl I’ve met!
Amaya Cormier: You sure know how to talk to women!
William: Who are you and why are you in my bed? Don’t take that last part as a complaint.
Sunny: It’s me. Sunny.
William: Why so blue?
Sunny: Because it turns you on.
William: And how!
William: I always knew we’d end up together, Sunny.
Sunny: You knew Kyle was gonna turn out gay and disintegrate?
William: I had my suspicions, yeah. About the gay thing. The disintegration thing kinda came out of left field, won’t lie.
Fuck, tell me about it.
Sunny: #1 what?
William: Never you mind, it’s for internal accounting purposes.
Sunny: Got time for a nap?
William: I’ve got time for a blowjob.
Sunny: Sure, be a jerk and then put your dick between my teeth. That’s a series of wise decisions.
Lest you think this looks adorable, let’s take a peek at his Wants panel: “WooHoo with 3 Different Sims,” “Make Out with 3 Different Sims,” “Have 20 First Dates,” “Ask Arianna on a Date” (you’ll see), and… “Buy a Ceiling Fan?” Sigh. He certainly wasn’t adopted.
I think they’re selling tickets out there.
Sunny: It’s not what you think. I’m staring at his penis.
Arianna Landchild: Oh, William… tell me I’m your one and only.
William: You’re only one of mine.
Arianna: No. Your one and only.
William: One of only mine?
Prof. Emily Yang: I’ve got an extra street credit assignment for you, William! Get down with your funky self!
If you’re wondering, Sunny seems completely disinterested in his screwing around. She walks past, shoots him with finger-pistols, and continues on her merry way.
I want one.
William: I know a cozy little place not far from here with soft blue mood lighting and doors that lock.
Prof. Emily: You’re talking about the computer room.
William: You’ve gotta admit I at least made it sound good.
William: Wanna go kiss in front of the window, so people outside can see and you’ll probably get fired?
Prof. Emily: It’s like you can read my mind!
Then again, I suppose keeping one of your university’s only two real students happy probably isn’t a firing offense.
Sunny: Please don’t tell me you’re watching me take a shit so you can get a good angle on my tits.
Okay. I wasn’t planning on telling you anyway.
Sunny: God keeps ambushing me in the bathroom.
William: Have you guys been reading my fantasy diary again?!
Sunny: Don’t ever change, William.
William: Well, okay, but I’m gonna look pretty strange going to class naked.
William: Are you enjoying this? I can never tell.
Sunny: I like to keep you guessing. You fuck better when you’re confused.
Now might be a good time to invest in some curtains.
What does it take to get a reaction out of you?
Sunny: It’s the Beefeater Effect. You can get people to do a lot of ridiculous shit for you if they’re trying to get a reaction.
Well, somebody changes gears fast.
William: Nah. Same gear, different car.
I don’t know what it is about a nine-inch penis that has all you girls so apathetic.
This is pretty much the reason the computer room door is lockable. Sunny might not care, but William’s going to have all the girls in the dorm wrapped around his finger pretty soon, and he’d probably rather not have their fists clenched around his penis because they caught him banging three other chicks, while on the phone with a fourth chick, setting him up on a date with three more, totally different, chicks.
No, he totally could. You’ll see.
And by the by, lest you think this is sexist, I’d like to turn your attention back to Ember and the twenty dudes she blew through like they were sexy tissue paper.
Amaya: I’m ready, let’s get this over with.
It’s amazing how many different processes can be improved by an assembly line.
It probably smells funny in there by now. I hope nobody needs to write a term paper.
William certainly doesn’t; he already had his practical exam with Prof. Emily. Maybe I should get him to fuck Sunny’s prof, too?
Oh yeah. #3!
William, you mad romantic fool! The bathroom?! You spoil these girls, you really do.
Her name is Beverly Fuchs. Say that out loud. Beverly Fuchs.
She certainly does.
Beverly: WILLIAM! How COULD you?!
William: What? What did I do?
Beverly: I can’t BELIEVE you cheated on me! I thought you were my MAN!
William: Oh, please. I’m not anybody’s MAN. I’m more like a national industry, or maybe a communal resource.
Arianna: My knees are sinking through the floor. 🙂
Your knees are sinking through the floor?
Arianna: MY KNEES ARE SINKING THROUGH THE FLOOR! 😀
Is that good?
Um, wow. Has she got some narcotics stuffed up in there somewhere, or what?
What’s Arianna pissed off about?
William: She caught me kissing Sunny.
What’s Prof. Emily pissed off about?
William: She caught me kissing Sunny too, she was on the other side of the room.
Hey, look! She’s smiling!
William: I wish. Her mouth is just stretched because my penis is so huge.
Sunny: Itf fucking widiculouf.
William: See? She’s back to normal.
Hey Rishell. Whatcha cookin’?
Rishell Micelli: Fire.
Oh, yeah? That any good?
Rishell: ‘s hot.
I’ve heard of getting up on the wrong side of the bed, but I’ve never heard of getting up on the wrong side of physics.
Chelsea: Hey dad. Oliver’s coming over.
Bradley: UNGH! UNGH! UNGH! That’s nice, honey! OH! YEAH! YOU LIKE IT LIKE THAT, YOU DIRTY LITTLE GIRL?!
Chelsea: Yeah, Oliver’s okay.
Bradley: THAT WASN’T ADDRESSED TO YOU!
Oliver: Hi, Mr. Price!
Bradley: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! WHO’S YOUR DADDY?
Oliver: I’ll tell him you said “Hi.”
Bradley: IS THERE SOMEONE OUT THERE?
It’s nice to see he’s coping well with his wife’s death.
Franklin: CAN WE MOVE ON PLEASE
Hey, toddlers can sleep in pet beds.
…TODDLERS CAN SLEEP IN PET BEDS? HOLY FUCKING SHIT! TODDLERS CAN SLEEP IN PET BEDS!
Victoria: It was nice of you to come over, Neil. I really don’t know how you found out about Ian so quickly, though! We only just got the phone call!
Neil: Um… I could tell you, but someone else would have to kill you.
Neil: Oh Victoria… why did I ever divorce you?
Victoria: Pretty sure I divorced you, Neil.
Neil: I guess you haven’t read my autobiography, then.
Neil: You ever look up at the stars, and think how much more awesome I am than they are?
Victoria: Not in so many words, but sure. Why not.
Faith: So, I don’t mean to intrude, but how are you guys coping with Laci’s death?
Faith: Yeah, hamburgers are pretty awesome.
Hey, look! It’s Melanie Lillard! Fancy that!
Melanie: I do this every day. I’m the fucking papergirl?
Yeah, but… I’m sort of putting every picture I have of you on here, because, well, later events.
Melanie: There you go again! What later events?
Let’s just… scorch that earth when we get there.
Kennedy Colin: There a tree needs choppin’, lady?
Vicki: Nah. Problems with the help.
Vicki: Apparently some stupid bitches think stay out of the woodshed means don’t stay out of the woodshed!
Kennedy: I won’t tell anyone if you let me keep the dress.
Vicki: So, you’re a pretty handsome old fella, Kennedy!
Kennedy: Go on!
Vicki: I’m a lonely housewife, outside in her bathrobe, just looking for someone to talk to…
Kennedy: Go on!
The Grim Reaper: SHOULD I JUST TAKE HIM NOW?
Vicki: I can’t believe you were gonna take advantage of me! Why would you do something like that to my poor, dear, sweet funny honey bunny Neil?!
Kennedy: Wait! I can explain!
Vicki: Then you can explain it to death!
The Grim Reaper: NOT THAT INTERESTED, TO BE HONEST.
Kennedy: Look out, little gnome dude! I think she’s gonna try to kill you!
Vicki: YOU DIDN’T HEAR IT
Tommy the Witness Gnome: I heard it
Vicki: YOU DIDN’T SEE IT
Tommy the Witness Gnome: I saw it
Vicki: YOU WON’T SAY NOTHING TO NO-ONE, NEVER IN YOUR LIFE YOU NEVER HEARD IT HOW SILLY IT ALL SEEMS WITHOUT ANY PROOF
Tommy the Witness Gnome: -saw it all-
What about the gnome?
That was a lot of work for a joke nobody will get.
Perhaps you should have thought about that before you bought the box of axes.
Vicki: I didn’t buy them! A strange bearded man in a kimono gave them to me!
I’m sure that’s irrelevant.
Aaaaaand more sex. This is Danielle Philippine, or as I like to call her, #6.
Payton Darga: Say, that looks like fun!
College! Brooke Grundstrom is #7. She’s kinda fugly, even without the distended joyface. Yurrrgh.
See? I tell you no lies.
Unless it’s funny.
Get off the bed, you moron. The bed sends out cheating-shockwaves across the lot to all your fucking girlfriends!
And the cheating shockwaves disable the lock on your fucking door! Don’t they teach you anything in public school these days?!
A very short book was just donated to the McCloud Memorial Library. It’s by Arianna Landchild and it’s called “People I Don’t Fucking Hate Right Now.”
Kendal Thompson: Oh! Oh! OH! What’s my name? WHAT’S MY NAME!?
#9! #9! #9!
Did William do that to your hair?
Tristen Alioto: Yeah. How come he’s not in the shot?
Because I’m tired of his pasty white ass and his huge fucking penis.
Especially the penis.
Anyway, yes. This is an awful picture. Believe it or not, after about the billionth round of computer room sex it all gets a bit goddamn samey.
What happened to your hair?
Tristen: Oh my god! Yes! YES!
What happened to your hair?
Tristen: I can’t believe you’re asking me to marry you!
What happened to your hair?
Tristen: What are you on? William’s proposing to me and you’re asking about my hair?
IF I DON’T ACKNOWLEDGE IT, IT WON’T HAVE HAPPENED.
I’m glad you’re happy. No, wait, I’m not glad you’re happy. WHAT THE FUCK WILLIAM.
Jordan Bachman doesn’t seem impressed, but the judges give it a #10!
Kaylynn Landchild: Triumphant introduction!
I hope you don’t expect that to set the tone for the rest of your appearances.
What’s with the face?
Sharlene Reiner: It was his idea. He says I can’t smile, and he keeps calling me Sunny.
William: Stop talking, Sunny.
Personally, I think you look more like a #11.
Why do you keep changing their hair?
William: Why do they keep having stupid hair?
William: Some cheerleader. She said her name was Kaitlin or something.
Kaylynn? KAYLYNN? What the fuck happened?
Kaylynn: I came in here to cheer at him and now I’m naked and I’m having sex and I’m not sure why.
William: It was the only way to make her stop chanting.
What’s she doing instead?
Ah. Is that better?
William: It’s just as rhythmic but a lot less distracting. And it’s interactive, too!
Never show me anything ever again.
Sunny: Hey sexy, how about you and I go not stand in that puddle of piss?
William: I bet you say that to all the boys.
Dude, have you flipped? There’s nobody there.
The Grim Reaper: IF YOU SAY SO.
…I stand corrected?
The Room of the Unknown Dormie.
The circle of life! I don’t know who this new asshole is either.
That’s enough of THAT. Next update: a torch is passed, and the pieces are set in motion for the deadliest threat Pine Valley has ever seen. Don’t miss it!
Comments are always welcome on any entry, no matter its age, and all comments will likely be responded to.
You’ve been warned!