The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Seven

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Click Here for Previous Entries

We’re heading for something big, I promise, so just stick with me! I know that of which I speak.

In Chapter Six there was cheating (in Pine Valley?!) and assorted silliness.

Yvonne: Da? Da?

Yvonne: Da in caw?

HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I’m not sure what’s worse, your little kid seeing you bump uglies or your little kid nearly getting pancaked.

I’m not sure which is more hilarious, either.

They’re creepy and they’re kooky…

Stephen: Spare me.

Well, but I thought you’d have changed back to blonde by now.

Stephen: Our new house is completely greyscale, and senior management insists that blonde hair be purged wherever it is found.

Would “senior management” happen to be an immortal vampire mad scientist?

Stephen: With emphasis on the “mad.”

I felt like I wasn’t getting my money’s worth with “Pets,” so here’s Shadow! I’m so original, I know.

Ready to go on an adventure, Shadow?

Shadow: .oO(A list of grievances is being compiled.)

Pingu: I totally think Trump should have fired David this week, even if the men didn’t lose the task.
Faith: My doctor says you aren’t real.

Edit: Hahaha remember when all life and decency on earth wasn’t being threatened by a game-show host? Ahahaha. Oh 2010 you naive bastard.

What does your doctor say about your Middle Child Syndrome?

Those windows look in on Yvonne’s room.

Which is more hilarious, do you think? Pink vampire, or HoverCat?

My money’s on HoverCat.

Here, have a shitty overview of this shitty house. I hated it from the moment the Murphys moved in, so don’t expect a fucking tour.

Laci: Will you marry me?
Neil: Yes! Oh, of course, yes! Now I have to rush out and buy you an engagement ring!
Laci: What? I don’t… this is your engagement ring, Neil. I’m proposing to you.
Neil: PFFFF. Girls can’t propose!

Laci: And to think, that hapless machismo is all mine now!

They tie the knot in a lovely ceremony in front of the television.

Are you sure this is a good idea? Your last honeymoon here was kind of like the Hindenburg crash, minus the humanity and plus the hilarity.

Quit enjoying yourself so much.

Neil: Hey, you fucker! You might have escaped me all those years ago, but the tables have turned! Let’s see you outrun a world-class athlete!
Ninja: I didn’t know the oldlympics were on.

Ninja: So, Mr. Sharpe. We meet again.

Ninja: -poof-

Sorry dude. Fuckin’ ninjas.

Neil: Trying to do that would probably kill me anyway.

Yeah, but at least it would be hilarious.

Neil: For who?

Um, for me? The only person that matters?

Laci: I think your thumb is on the lens!

I think that’s impossible.

And yet, there it is…


I can’t tell if this is hideous or beautiful.

Laci: Wait for it…

Laci: -vagina squash-

That’s lovely.

Neil: angrangr ninja angrangr teleportation


Nikki Owens: I regret to inform you that at some point during this massage the roof was torn off. I believe there is a tornado approaching. I believe we are all about to die.

Were that the case, I’m pretty sure I’d find a way to save you.

You, though, you’d probably be on your own.

Is somebody getting married, or something?

Tour Guide: Yeah. That never gets old. Immediately.

Laci: Hurry up, get on! The wind blew down their rice paper walls and I think they’re coming to kill us!

From above, the effects of the nuclear leak become much more apparent.

Ninja: So, Mr. Sharpe. We meet again. Again.

Ninja: Tell me: which came first, the ninja or the sword?
Neil: We both know this is a totally arbitrary question. Just give me the nod and I’ll go on my merry way.

Because what I really need is an elder who can teleport.

Ninja: Okay, so what you do is, you leap into the air, backflip, expel a lot of spoke, disappear, and reappear somewhere else.

Neil: It all sounds so simple when you put it that way.

Brooke: Woo! Yeah! Old guy masturbating furiously in the changing booth! Woo! Yeah!

I don’t know about you, but I haven’t seen Laci lately.

Wise Old Man: You are very polite, to allow an old man to drink before you.
Neil: I just fucking hate tea, is all.

Wise Old Man: Your wife, she is very fat.
Neil: You’re so wise! Honey, isn’t he so wise?!
Laci: So wise.

Wise Old Man: My smoke monster will defeat your smoke monster.
Laci: We’ll see about that, wise old man!

And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack SimHandey.

Once when I was in SimHawaii, on the island of Twikkii, I met a mysterious old stranger.

He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure.

I said, “Okay, as long as it’s not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know.”

He started telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: “This story isn’t too long.”

But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, “Uh-oh, this story is getting long.”

But then the story was over, and I said to myself: “You know, that story wasn’t too long after all.”

I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane.

It was a little long, though.

This has been Deep Thoughts by Jack SimHandey.

Neil: Well THAT’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back!

Thankfully, Laci’s got back.

Laci: Is that dude living here all by himself? Should we call someone?
Neil: You mean, like, a nursing home?
Laci: I don’t think they have nursing homes in SimJapan. I think they just rent their elders out to Simnational movie companies.

Can we pack some more useless assholes into this lobby? I think we can.

I like this picture because it was done so badly that it makes the entire thing look like it’s about to fall over.

…and maybe it did, because apparently that was the end of the vacation? Sometimes I wish I could reach back in time and punch myself in the face.

But then I think of all the other people from the past I’d like to punch in the face, and then all the people in the present that I’d like to punch in the face, and before you know it it’s too late to start working on that time machine.

Good story?

I like chubby Sims just fine (this game has no real fat people, because fat shaming is apparently cool), but Laci keeps complaining about her lovely curves.

Laci: Unnngh! MOVE!

What are you talking about? You’ve got the bar up as high as it’ll go!

Laci: Unnngg! No! YOU! MOVE!

What? Why?



I think you might have overdone it a little.

And where are you going?

Cameron: To live with Andrew.

And why is that?

Cameron: Because you’re constantly toying with the idea of killing off both of our families.

Too bloody right I am.

And this sort of shit is the reason!

So, it’s… carry the five… Yvonne’s birthday. Joy to the world.

Is it too late for a refund?

Yvonne: I didn’t cost you anything.

And it was too damn much.

Christ, another one?

Oliver: I get attent-tion! I get atten-tion!

For sixty sec-onds. For sixty sec-onds. And I’m taking them out of your lifespan.

What a surprise. You’re a clone of your brothers.

Oliver: These guns are made for duellin’!

Yeah, but do you really wanna bring guns to an axe fight?

Oliver: Axe fight? What axe fight? What are you talking about?

Shh. Don’t mind me. I’m just foreshadowing.

Oh for FUCK’s sake are you KIDDING me.

Abigail: Woo! Yeah! Age up, honey! Then I can trade you in for a newer model.

Way to colour coordinate, Stephen.

I didn’t know you were pregnant!

Vicki Gothier: You should pay better attention to her!


Are you SHITTING ME? You heard labour pains from across the entire lot, found the front door locked, and ran in through the garage door? That’s just… words fail me.

Stephen: No cameras.

But I’m such a diligent chronicler!

Stephen: NO CAMERAS!

(Thanks for the excuse, dude. I owe you one. Do you accept payment in zombies?)

Oliver has something of a weight problem.


Oliver: I love the way your hair clips through your sternum.

Virginia: I love how your blandness makes me so much hotter.
Oliver: I love that too.

I don’t think that one should count; you missed. I think it’s time for a do-over.

Virginia: You’re not subjecting me to this twice.

Virginia: Do you think you could move over a bit? Only I’m half on the sidewalk.
Oliver: No.
Virginia: Why? This is so uncomfortable, I’m squirming like crazy!
Oliver: I know, and it’s giving me a boner.

Virginia: What’s wrong, honey?
Oliver: Urk, mmph.
Virginia: What’s that, sweety?
Yvonne: +

Thank god Shadow has her deflector screens up.

Chelsea: The hottest tub.

William: Thanks!

Oliver: So, your boobs are nice.

Party at Neil’s! That always ends well.

Virginia: I’m trapped, daddy. You fucking moron. 🙁
Ember: -approves-

This would be a hilarious time for a meteor strike.

But please don’t.

The Emperor’s New Tracksuit.

(That’s literally, exactly what’s going on here.)

Brady: Perhaps… madam… would like to borrow a towel?
Allison Collins: Maybe once we’re done.

Those dance moves are off the hook!

Ember: You can use Cameron’s room, but wash the damn sheets after.


I’m… not sure you have a butler anymore.

What’re you staring at?

Well… that’s rude. And creepy.

Oliver: And we’ll even have a cheap barbecue, just for us. Our own cheap barbecue.
Virginia: Teehee! Oh, Oliver, you’re so ro-MAN-tic. Could we? Could we really?

Don’t look! Cecilia’s coming, and she’s got Cecilia’s face with her!

Aw, come on! This family is too goddamn big!

Faith: Daddy’s out of breath.
Abigail: If only he were out of halitosis too.

So yeah, this is townie garage invasion baby; his name is Franklin Murphy. He only looks that thrilled because he can’t see what he looks like. He’s a Neat freak (10/10), a world-class bore (0/10 Outgoing), all fired up, (10/10 Active), not as funny as he thinks (8/10 Playful) and very good natured (7/10 Nice). Based on that, he’s gonna be yet another goddamn Knowledge-seeking Murphy spawn. His One True Hobby is Tinkering.

Ian: .oO(I’m watching the TELEVISION. The TELEVISION. There’s a kid, and he’s scubadiving, that’s awesome. I’m watching this KID, and I am watching him SCUBA DIVE. I am watching this KID dive the FUCK out of that SCUBA. Is that right? Is that even a thing? Is that what I am watching him do here god DAMMIT GODDAMMITALLTOHELLLLL.)

Oliver: Hey baby, fancy seeing you here!
Chelsea: Why are we here? This isn’t my house, or your house…
Oliver: It must be fate, baby.
Chelsea: Too bad you’re fat, baby.


Where are the actual inhabitants of this house?

Chelsea: Ignore him. NPCs aren’t real people.

Neither are teens.

Don: I thought we had something, Chelsea!
Chelsea: You were wrong?
Don: Did all my stalking you in your house with the tropical vagrants mean NOTHING?!

Vanessa: I thought we had something, Oliver!
Oliver: You DID?! Why?!?!

Don: All those papers I delivered, just for you, and this is the thanks I get?!

Vanessa: Oh no! Chelsea let the smoke monster in!

Oliver: I’m about to make you my paper BITCH!

Oliver: You never stood a chance, asshole! I’ve been working out! You’d have known that, if you had my brains!

Careful. He might just decide to take them one day.

Vanessa: Haha Oliver cheated on me!
Virginia: Haha you’re such a loser!
Vanessa: Haha I know right?!

Nooooooo! Howser! If only you hadn’t been born elderly.

Laci: I’m sorry about your dog. Would wild, crazy sex make you feel any better?
Neil: It might!

Neil: I’m gonna go get me some.

Vicki Enriquez: OH! OH! Oh, NEIL! Oh, NEIL!
Neil: Stop singing the Drunken O’Neils cheer, Vicki! We’re not on the pitch right now!

Neil: How about you move in with me? We can swap playbooks, drive to practices together, fuck in the bed I share with my wife…
Vicki: That sounds nice.

What tipped you off?

Laci: “Oh, baby, yeah! Give it to me! GIVE IT TO ME! Oh! Fuck yes! I’m fucking you! And your wife doesn’t even know! What a stupid wife you have! And her name is Laci! And your name is Neil!”

Oh, that? That’s just the cheer for the Clover County Neil Fucking Vickis.

They’re in the junior league.

Of cheating on you.

Any particular reason you’re walking around in your bathing suit?

Cameron: It’s my Oceanography career outfit.

Any particular reason you think that makes it okay to walk around in your bathing suit?

True love! They’re doomed.


Joy Tsvirkunov: Why? Is there something on me?

No! Just DON’T MOVE!

Joy: It’s a beautiful day out, and I don’t wanna miss the team tryouts!



Ember: Could you please try some sensitivity? I’m breaking up with my boyfriend!

ONE of your boyfriends. You have AT LEAST TWENTY.

Ember: But I really liked number twelve, I’m gonna miss him!

Oliver: Got your hands!
Chelsea: Teehee!
Oliver: Now you can’t leave!
Chelsea: Teehee!
Oliver: I’m serious.

Virginia: Run that last part by me again?
William: Ian’s gonna handle restocking, while you work the cash registers with me.
Virginia: No, no, I got that. The last part!
William: -sigh- All the items are individually priced, and if we get too deep in the weeds we’ll close temporarily to regroup.

Well, the customers certainly seem to like it.

Ian is off-screen, furiously restocking.

What? I said restocking. He’s the restocking master.


Any particular reason you’re at the Sharpe house?

Andrew: They have a hot tub.

Yeah, but I mean… why are they letting you use their hot tub?

Andrew: Oh, they’re not.

Okay then.

Laci: ANOTHER coach, Neil? That’s what, the THIRD coach you’ve fucked?! Do you have a COACH FETISH?!
Neil: It’s the next best thing to fucking myself!

Laci: I’m so mad my entire left arm and hand are massively dislocated!
Neil: Your insane alien biology is NOT MY FAULT!

Neil: I don’t think I like you anymore. You’re too clingy.
Laci: I’m your WIFE!
Neil: And whose stupid idea was that?!

Neil: Ow! Ow! OW! Laci! Not in front of the KIDS!
Flamingo: -is horrified-
Dog Bowl: -is in tears-

Laci: I’m gonna kill that skank!
Neil: Nobody’s gonna kill anyone!

Well that’s certainly not true, I don’t mind telling you.

Neil: ANYWAY, that really hurt! I don’t think I love you anymore!

Yeah, man, I dunno. Must be that time of the month, am I right?

I’m not right, and that’s a horrific thing to say.

Neil: -poke- Heehee! Look! I can do it too!

I think maybe you should be taking this a bit more seriously, Neil.

Neil: Why? You aren’t!

It’s my job to be funny!

Neil: Shit, really? Then why are you so bad at it?

Neil: Sheesh. You fuck one little coworker and the bitch goes crazy!

Laci: Okay, that does it! We’re through, asshole!
Neil: NO! YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG! You’re supposed to be smiling 🙁

You’re an imbecile.

Laci: Go! That way! Right now!
Neil: -gasp- But that’s the trailer park!

Neil: I’m gonna die sad and alone in a traaaaaiiiiilerrrrr parrrrrrrrrkkk :'(
Laci: With a kicked-over garbage can, I can damn well promise you.

Vanessa: Bye daddy! You fucking moron.
Neil: You hang around with your sister too much.

Vicki: Look. We just got settled. What do you want?
Laci: To make this face! And knock over your trash. Like I promised.

Vicki: I see you changed your hair! You look even dumber now.
Laci: Uh-oh! See the face? See how it’s getting worse? That means it hates you!

Vicki: I think I know how to deal with this.

Vicki: Because trash cans are serious business.

Vicki: Yes… this should do nicely.

Um… Vicki?


Vicki: It’s far too late for that. I can’t let you hurt my Neil. I need to protect my Neil.


Laci: What the fuck, lady? Are you on drugs?

Vicki: I sure am, Laci.



Special guest appearance by Neil Sharpe’s penis.

Vicki: Get used to it!

Neil: Wow! This is a lot cheaper than divorce!

Neil: Hey, let me help! She’s under “S”! For “Stupid Dead Person!”

Neil: That was fucking awesome. Will you marry me? And maybe kill some other people I don’t like?

Vicki: Will you be our witness, Laci? Say nothing for “yes.”

I’m glad you both found someone who appreciates your talents.

Vicki’s talent is apparently murder.

Neil’s talent is moral apathy, which has long been apparent.

Neil: I hear serial killers are absolute freaks in the sack!

Just your average Simnational couple.

How heartwarming, eh.

Vicki: Say it like you mean it or I’ll split your head open and slurp your brains out through a straw.

It’s heartwarming! It’s heartwarming!

Laci: You are both going to pay so hard for this.

Laci: I mean… what the fuck, Neil?
Vicki: Bye Laci 🙂

Sleep the sleep of the just, Vicki.

The “just murdered someone,” that is.

Next time: axes and bodily fluids flying in all directions. Don’t miss it!

Comments are always welcome on any entry, no matter its age, and all comments will likely be responded to.

You’ve been warned!

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