Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Alright, that’s enough wimpy shit. How about some good old fashioned screwing?
In Chapter Five, a bunch of people dated, a bunch of people became vampires, and Kyle Murphy fucking died. What a loser.
Got a plan for evicting these exotic vagrants yet?
Ember: Ayup! A fast-acting one, too!
Um… wow. The side-effects are pretty fast-acting too, eh?
Birthday time for the Price twins! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE ALREADY YOU TROPICAL BUMS
Andrew: She’ll be legal soon.
Cameron is evolving!
Hmm, geek chic. Not bad; I was half-expecting your face to turn to cellulite or something.
You’re cute, in an ugly sort of way. Cameron’s a Knowledge Sim, with a Lifetime Want to reach the top of the Oceanography career. Her Turn-Ons are blonde hair and Logic, for no reason at all I’m sure (right Andrew?) and her Turn-Off is Stink.
So is mine.
If yours isn’t, you’re a freak.
For revealing your freakishness to you, I mean. Sorry about that.
What the fuck were we doing?
Oh, right. Don’t let me down, you little shit.
Okay, I can live with that.
Tracy Royce: -queues for cake-
STOP FEEDING THE HULA SQUIRRELS
Looks like I spoke too soon about the cellulite thing. There is some serious evil lurking in her facial genetics. Oh well. Chelsea is a Romance Sim with the Lifetime Want to be a Visionary, top of the Artist career. Her Turn-Ons are Fitness and Charisma, the usual shallow twit fare, and her Turn-Off is Fatness. For purely health-related reasons, I’m sure.
I like how the aging-up clothes recognized that they were twins 😛
Hey! Stephen! Come back! I’m moving your family into a new house because the old one just bugged out!
Stephen: Send them my regards.
Where are you going?
Stephen: To fuck something I should have fucked a long time ago.
Andrew: So my arms go around behind? Like this?
Cameron: I think so?
Andrew: And we just sort of hold this position?
Cameron: I guess?
Andrew: ADULTHOOD IS HARD
Andrew: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Cameron: Ohhhh yeah, I think so.
Andrew: -smells Cameron’s cleavage-
Cameron: Phew! I was thinking what you were thinking!
Andrew: So then the mannequins come alive and you’re all like OH MY GOD and you start shooting them right but it’s actually because you objectified your dead wife when she was alive.
Cameron: I love that game!
Time for a romantic date at the Whorehouse. The Warehouse. Warehouse, right. Sorry.
I hope you know I’m only letting you do this so I can watch the talentless douchebags dancing in the background.
Careful, dude. I wouldn’t put it past Ember to have bred heritable STDs in that filthy genital thoroughfare she calls a vagina.
Are you guys growing gills or what.
Sophie Byall: Please don’t make them stop. As soon as time goes back to normal this thing is going to wreck me.
Cameron: I’m so glad I decided to put all my fetish points into “starched clothing.”
Cameron: Oh Andrew… I wish this moment would never end…
Cameron: You can let go of me now.
Andrew: Not until they bag up the pieces. I’m not letting some stupid private school bitch wreck up my first date with her stupid dead body. I know how sensitive you bitches can get about dead other bitches. Bitches.
Bitches love being called bitches.
Clarence Sartor: What the fuuuuck, dude. Like, nobody lives here, so, like, why do I hafta deliver, the… the… the fucking, paper, dude, I mean, like, nobody like, lives here.
Clarence is the third of the three paper-people. Can you name them all?
It so happens that someone does live here, albeit temporarily. Hello, strangely-haired fashion victim! Have we met?
Ember: I’m incognito.
Pleased to meet you, Incognito. I’m Grugly.
Ah, I see. We’re hiding from the paparazzi. Sometimes I forget that in addition to being a morally-bankrupt homewrecker you’re also a world-famous rock goddess.
Wait… is there someone else already in that taxi?
Why are you sleeping on astroturf?
Oh, I see. It’s just a really fucking ugly blanket.
And what do we have here? Did you bring a surfer dude with you on your secret island vacation, or do they hand them out at the airport for VIPs?
Well, somebody tans well.
Ember: You should see the other guy.
Stephen: I inherited pale skin from my Viking ancestors, it’s really quite a masculine trait.
…so that’s where you went. Does your wife know you’re here?
Stephen: She just got my firstborn son disintegrated. She owes me a good vacation.
I’m not sure she owes you sex with Ember, though.
Ember: No, that’s what he owes me.
Ah, the harmony of the polygons.
…wait. Those polygons don’t…
I CAN’T LOOK AT IT ANYMORE
Stephen: Ooh ow ow ow ooh watch the face watch the face.
It’s about goddamn time. I think my entire journal had blue balls by this point.
I get why she’s disguised, but what about you, Stephen?
Stephen: Um, I’m a senator?
Ohhh, I get it. If they catch you cheating on your wife, you have to run for President or something, right?
Ember: Oh, Stephen, I’ve dreamed about this day for so long!
Stephen: Me too, Ember.
Ember: Is it everything you thought it would be?
Stephen: I didn’t anticipate the searing physical pain, but other than that, yeah. For sure.
What a stupid haircut.
Ember: You should talk.
Yes. Yes, I should. Being the narrator and all.
Stephen: EVERYTHING HURTS.
Ember: I bet I can find a part that isn’t sunburned.
Stephen: It’s a moving part, too!
Aw. You cute, horrible people.
You look awfully pleased with yourself.
Ember: Because I didn’t have to pleasure myself. For a change.
What? You have sex with dudes all the time!
Ember: That’s not really sex. That’s more like statistics. My “WooHoo with Twenty Sims” Want wasn’t gonna fulfill itself.
Nothing can go wrong with this plan.
Christ, woman, you can’t get much more tanned than you already are. Are you angling to write Black Like Me 2: Blacker Like Me or something?
(Hey, it was either that or a skin cancer joke. Cut me some slack.)
Stephen: I got a… seashell?
Stephen: HOLY SHIT I GOT A SEASHELL EMBER LOOK I GOT A SEASHELL EMBER LOOK I DIDN’T GET A ROCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!! 😀
Ember: That’s nice, honey.
If that sunburn didn’t turn you off from tanning, I would have thought YOUR SON DISINTEGRATING would have.
Yeah, guys… optimism is one thing, but…
-sings- I sleep on sunglasses at night…
Ember: Only you could get a sunburn without the sun.
Abigail never gets those thought bubbles…
Ember: Right! Back in the saddle again!
Stephen: Why is this position called “scissors,” anyway?
Ember: Would you like me to show you?
It’s important to pace yourself in a marathon. Make sure you drink lots of fluids, too!
Or at least swap some.
Stephen: I’m glad you noticed.
Bit of a dilemma, eh?
Stephen: Why did you make me get married to Abigail?
Because Family and Knowledge Sims are supposed to be a perfect match! You shouldn’t find Ember attractive at all!
Stephen: Have you seen Ember?
That shouldn’t make a difference! Attraction and Chemistry are all about number crunching. There’s not supposed to be any emotional component!
Stephen: Christ, dude. Which of us is the computer-generated one, again? It’s you, right?
Stephen: Lots to think about.
I didn’t know you could get a Want to ruin a perfectly good rug.
Ember checks them out while the bellhop checks her out.
And who can blame him?
HOLY SHIT. Ease back on the Stepford factor a bit, okay?
Yeah, yeah. Would you like some scalloped potatoes with your GIANT HAM, Virginia?
…mmm. Scalloped potatoes.
I bet that sloped chin really helps her airflow.
(Do you know how hard it was to write that joke without using the word “blow” in relation to a little kid? IT WAS VERY VERY HARD.)
Please keep your genetics. I don’t want to have to kill you.
Virginia: Awesome! I’ve got arms now!
You… had arms before.
Virginia: Really? I figured I must not have, because YOU NEVER SHOWED ME DOING ANYTHING.
Yes, well… that was before we knew if you’d turn out ugly.
Virginia is a Popularity Sim, and her Lifetime Want is to Become the Law, reaching the top of the Law career. She’s Turned On by glasses and red hair, which is bad news for her brother (or good news, depending on his sexual morals), and she’s Turned Off by Stink because she’s still mad at her father.
If you see any credulous old men wandering around, DO NOT LET THEM SEE THIS.
You could ALMOST learn to love Cecilia…
…but then she turns a bit and you see her face and no.
Laci: Dammit Neil! You blew her clothes off!
Like my custom censor blur?
Hurry up. The naked children quota for this journal sits somewhere just below zero, thank you very much.
I even feel dirty censoring crap like that. Why you all gotta be nudists?
And yeah, they’re Barbie dolls under there, but I bet there’s some sick fuck who could get off on that.
All class. Vanessa’s a Pleasure Sim, and her Lifetime Want is to become a Celebrity Chef. She’s turned on by blonde hair and glasses, because if you’re a girl who wants to get married in this neighbourhood you’re pretty much stuck with the Murphy boys, and her Turn-Off is Fatness because Stink would make her a filthy, literally filthy hypocrite. I hope that low Neat score gets bred out of her offspring.
It’s raining in the Trendy Tailor!
Vanessa: Stop trying to defend your fucked-up pictures.
But I have so many of them!
The one advantage to Victoria kicking over the garbage can every day is that Neil doesn’t have to remember to feed Howser as often.
If you place it, they will come.
Vanessa: I think you spelled that last word wrong.
Abigail: What made you decide to come back?
Stephen: You have all my money.
Abigail: Oh, you mad romantic.
Stephen: Are you sure we shouldn’t wait for the glow to wear off first? Won’t it mess up the aging process?
Abigail: Don’t be ridiculous. What could go wrong?
Andrew: Where am I?
Don’t know, don’t care.
The only reason I cut to you was to divide up the birthday monotony.
Andrew: But now I’m back at home! What happened?!
Still don’t know. Still don’t care.
Who the fuck are you?
…apparently this is Yvonne Murphy. Must be the one who was getting born while all the cheating and vampirism was flying around. She’s anal retentive (10/10 Neat), a wallflower (0/10 Outgoing), a cheap battery (5/10 Active), a wet blanket (0/10 Playful) and a sweetheart (10/10 Nice). She’s gonna be Knowledge with those stats. Her One True Hobby is Science, because APPARENTLY THAT’S ALL I CAN GET.
Ever make some pretty buildings, and then have no fucking idea what to put into them?
William: Hey, I hear your boyfriend just burst into flames and died. And was gay. Wanna screw?
THIS IS WHAT GAME DEVELOPERS THINK TEENAGERS DO FOR FUN.
Asia Gonzaga: What’s the ante?
Sunny: You can’t afford it. You’re not a real Sim.
Asia: Neither are you!
Sunny: I know enough main characters that I’ve been bumped up to supporting cast.
Ian discovers the benefits of replacing a man who liked to buy himself expensive toys.
DON’T THINK I DON’T SEE YOU CHECKING OUT YOUR SISTER IN THE CORNER, WILLIAM.
Man. This update is really setting up William’s story arc.
I must have been playing this game too long. Is it just me, or is she squinting like she actually needs her glasses to see?
Please tell me you’re seeing this too.
Victoria: THE QUICKENING OVERWHELMS ME!
There can only be five (Abigail’s a vampire and will therefore never age.) Victoria has already hit her Lifetime Want of reaching the top of the Business Career, so she’s earned her retirement.
She’s still not getting it. Hey, those chance cards are AWESOME.
Neil: Keep still, Howser.
Howser: .oO(But I’m clean already!)
Neil: I don’t care! I won’t let them age me!
Howser: .oO(HOLY SHIT HE CAN READ MY THOUGHT BUBBLES)
I’d start calling you Mortimer, but I’ve already nicknamed you Lex.
Bradley suffers the combined ill effects of thirty years spent cartwheeling on couches all at once.
I’m dreading this.
Ember: YOU’RE dreading this?!
Ember: Not a word.
But seriously, what-
Ember: NOT A WORD.
AGING UP AMISH
That’s better. And since she never really got into it anyway, she puts her cauldron and spellbook aside. I think of her as more of a sexual magician anyway.
You’re happy with that choice, are you, William? Let me show you some pics from last update…
Also… who the fuck were you dating here?
Pingu! Anyway, Abigail too has reached her Lifetime Want and become a Mad Scientist. She is now an immortal mad scientist vampire. HOT.
William really needed something to occupy his hands before he ended up fucking the entire neighbourhood.
Sure, that looks like a scalable business model.
Apparently Sunny is a bad enough register clerk to warp reality.
Contessa Lucy Toyonaga: NOW can I get some service?!
William: Which button do I push for five simoleons?
Ember: I’m guessing the “5,” and then maybe the one with a simoleon on it?
William: Okay, but which button do I push for cash?
Ember: I’m thinking CASH?!
Well, you’ve adapted to your old age pretty quickly.
Ember: GODDAMN KIDS OFF MY LAWN
You’re in a store. Downtown.
Ember: BACK IN MY DAY UPHILL BOTH WAYS
How’s my favourite Ben Affleck impersonator? (That’s a shout-out, catwench!)
I’m sure you have a perfectly good reason to be here, doing that. I’ll leave you to it.
Vanessa: Oh, you’re still doing that journal thing? How adorable.
Her mother’s daughter.
Don: BEST. FASHION SHOW. EVER.
Zeeshan Kimbrell: I bid fifty simoleons!
She’s… not for sale.
Zeeshan: She is a woman, is she not?
YOU. ALL OF YOU. BACK TO YOUR ISLAND. OUT OF MY HOUSE!
Cameron: I can’t see. Where are my glasses? I think they took my glasses.
Watch out for vine traps. I think they’re hunting you.
I bet this is what old age is really like.
…second generation. How far we’ve come.
New Sharpe house! Sharpe/Bennett house. Whatever.
Uma: Who the hell are you?
Sunny: I’m William’s girlfriend!
Uma: Bullshit! I’m William’s girlfriend!
Sunny: PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN.
No one would have believed in the early years of Pine Valley that this neighbourhood was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than a Sim’s and yet as mortal as his own; that as Sims busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinized and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a Sim with a microscope might scrutinize the transient spore creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. Yet across the gulf of space, minds that are to our minds as ours are to those of the beasts that perish, intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic, regarded this SimEarth with envious eyes, and slowly and surely drew their plans against us.
From the moment the invaders arrived, walked our sidewalks, crossed our driveways, they were doomed. They were undone, destroyed, after all of Simkind’s weapons and devices had failed, by how stupid their outfits looked.
Neil: WHY AM I IN THIS HOUSE? I’M NOT MARRIED TO YOU ANYMORE
Laci: HOW DID WE GET HERE? I’M SO CONFUSED
Join the club.
Obligatory cheesecake shot, lacy Laci edition.
I slay myself.
Laci is a delicate flower.
Howser: .oO(I’m telling them it was you.)
Neil: I’ll be honest, I’m not sure how this is gonna go. You might wanna avert your eyes.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You’d think someone with the personality of Hitler wouldn’t also have the looks of Melissa Rivers.
I’d love to say something like “remind me to make use of you later” but fifty years from now you’re still walking around as a Townie.
At least that’s a better fate than most of your contemporaries get.
…hm. Yeah. Maybe I will still have to make use of you, though.
Nathan GilsCarbo: Fresh flowers! That must mean that NOBODY’S HOME!
Unassailable logic, my friend!
Nathan: Aww, what? A burglar alarm?! In the biggest house in the neighbourhood?! Who knew!??!
Tyler Collins: HUG ME I’M SO LONELY
Tyler: Gotta put on a good show, Nathan, chicks in their underwear are watching.
Nathan: COUGH HACK
Tyler: Your cough hacks won’t work on ME!
Tyler: Whoa… on second thought, Nathan, let’s wrap this up. She looks a LOT better on TV.
Tyler: I have reduced the villainous burglar to a diffuse cloud of particles!
Yeah! To serve and protect! The rich.
That’s it for this update, folks. Next time: you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
Comments are always welcome on any entry, no matter its age, and all comments will likely be responded to.
You’ve been warned!