Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
The quality of this chapter’s pics embarrasses the fuck out of me.
Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles… I’ll be damned if anything really happened. This time in the Pine Valley Chronicles, well, shit gets weirder. And there aren’t even any nekked chicks! For which I apologize.
I know it doesn’t make up for the total lack of nudity this time, but please accept this peace offering of cheesecake.
I made it myself.
It’s a bit late for second thoughts, honey. You’ve been cheating on Bradley for years.
Ember: I’m having second thoughts about staying married, actually.
Oh. Well. I don’t blame you, then.
Wait, yes I do. This is still awful.
You guys are so damn wholesome you make me want to puke.
Neil might have gotten blacklisted from the athletic world, but he’s trying a new attack.
Neil: Oh, ha ha. Military jokes. That’s so original.
Hey, I’m a Canadian. Around here we don’t tell military jokes.
Around here, the military is its own joke.
Greetings, sir and/or madam. Might I interest you in this great big box of discretion?
Neil: Come live with us, Laci!
Laci: “Us” meaning…?
Neil: Me, my loving wife, and our three loving children!
That’s the face of a woman who’s seen her future and knows it involves slapping.
Anyway. Ember spam!
Anna Tsang: Nanny 1?
Brenda Miguel: Yes, Nanny 2?
Anna: Why are there two of us, Nanny 1?
Brenda: No idea, Nanny 2!
I’ll third that. Is Nanny 3 taken?
Felicia: Is this Ember Price’s car?
Mrs. Crumplebottom: SWIMSUITS
Felicia: Uh-huh. You waiting for her to come back so you can beat her with your purse?
Mrs. Crumplebottom: UNDERWEAR
Felicia: Me, I’m waiting for her to come back so I can sell her some man-meat.
Mrs. Crumplebottom: PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION
Ember’s presumably in there somewhere, dating furiously. This is probably the nadir of my screenshotting skills, where I flailed the camera about wildly and thrashed my hands on the keyboard, only occasionally hitting the “C” key by sheer accident.
I’m thinking maybe we need to set up a shipping/receiving yard for all these date rewards.
Felicia: You have trod the arduous paths of excellence, and your desire is answered by this ancient power. Choose most wisely your requests.
The arduous paths of excellence sure looked a lot like a bunch of ugly dudes’ penises.
How’s your job satisfaction today, Daryl?
Daryl: I don’t mind fixing the sink, really. It distracts me from the rain-slick precipice of darkness beside me.
Look, I said I was sorry about the walls being down. What more do you people want from me?
…and that’s a toilet water slick, dude. It’s not a parody if you quote something verbatim. It’s just theft.
I’m looking at you, Blizzard Entertainment.
Jesus. So this is why you guys want the walls up so bad…
Stephen: Come on. If Neil’s kids can learn this stupid rhyme, mine sure as fuck can.
Stephen: That’s why I made you radioactive. Daddy’s skimming off the electrical bill money to pay for his porn. Now, let’s take it from the top!
Stephen: Abigail? What are you… OH COME ON NOT AGAIN
Meet some friggin’ kid! Maybe Faith Murphy? Maybe Franklin Murphy? Who fucking knows? Who fucking cares?!
Also meet walls down.
Walls Down: We’ve already met. Like a lot.
Man. Laci is cute.
Laci: Laci is also taking a shit.
Well maybe she shouldn’t be doing it so cutely!
Genie: I hear and obey the master of the lamp! Three wishes remain.
Bradley: How about we just make it one big wish for a lot of fucking money and call it even.
Deal! Welcome to the Price Mansion at 100 Muse Boulevard, one of four lots overlooking the entire neighbourhood from high atop Rich Hill.
Here’s the entrance hall, with a view of the kitchen and a ridiculous career outfit.
Oh yeah. Bradley got his Lifetime Want. He’s a game designer now.
That’s what game designers think they look like.
This is the living area, just off the main entrance, and two lazy little shits who should be in school right now.
The kitchen is specially designed to prevent me from getting any good birthday shots.
The upstairs hallway looks down on the first floor, in what I’m sure looked really awesome to me two years ago when I was apparently twelve.
This is the giant squiggly horror. I’m not sure which floor it’s on.
Finally, Bradley and Ember’s bedroom. One really neat feature is that it’s impossible to take a good picture of it that includes its namesake, the bed.
In case you can’t tell, I really fucking hate this house now.
Stephen: Come on, I know I can get at least another foot out of you if we both pull a little harder. You’ll never get into the Space Corps at this rate!
Kyle: Date me or I’ll kill you.
He complies. Because he has soooo much to live for.
And his name is Brady Sartor, because you know I looked it up. OCD is fun!
…wait. Are you related to the butler?
Brady: The black butler?
Brady: You don’t think that sort of thing might be just a teensy bit genetic?
You’re going to feel really stupid about fifty updates from now.
If you remember.
And if you’re alive.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Mwah, hmm hmm, henh henh!
What’s your next move, evil genius? Gonna give out some tips on local attractions? Maybe grab your hat brim and chuckle?
This has been a visit to my obligatory useless park lot.
Our next visit will take place in like a million years when I’ve forgotten how boring it is.
Back on the bus or I’ll throw you under it.
And not in the stupid reality show sense.
This just in: the presence of baby shit does not produce intelligence-enhancing enzymes as previously reported!
Christ, this neighbourhood is getting preppy.
Laci: Time to wake up, sleepy follicles! You’d better get on up to bed with Victoria before she wakes up!
Laci: Because she’ll find out you’re cheating on her with me if she sees us in bed together?
Laci: Because she’s smarter than you are?
Would you believe me if I told you that was a superhero?
I’m sure you know where this is going.
DOGGIE! His name is Howser and he’s an elder because I suck forever at pets.
…Doggie Howser? Man, and I wasn’t even trying.
This would be a whole lot cuter if I weren’t imagining what would happen in a car crash.
I have that problem with cars, too.
Rowr rouff! Rouff! Rrrrrglrrglrgl!
Whoosa goodboy? Whoosa goodboy? Issa goodboy gotta BONE?!
Oh! Oh. Oh. Um, happy birthday, William! Heh.
I was just… out playing… with the… yeah.
William’s reply cannot be printed here. He’s now officially a Fortune Sim, which earned him the Lifetime Want to own five top-level businesses. But I wonder where he stands on ballet dancing.
You’re in luck! I hear bitches love concave jaws.
Whatcha got? Whatcha got? ‘cha got FOOD?
Howser: .oO(Cut it OUT!)
Oof. Oof! Heehee.
Rrrrrrrrnglngl okay I’m done. Sorry.
Neil: OH ESSEM GOODBOY RRRRRR GOODBOY OH YES ESSEM ARE.
I only said I was done.
Neil: I’m a townie! What do you do?
Howser: .oO(I eat you!)
Neil: NO! You check to see if I’m a hot girl first!
WELL IF YOU DIDN’T WANT ME TAKING PICTURES YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN DOING IT.
Ted Menon: Hey! Fuck you, invisible traffic!
What’s got you so far from university?
Oh. Getting laid in a helicopter with a stacked redheaded rock star. I’d come a long way for that, too.
Andrew: When I grow up I won’t have any transparent staircases in my house.
I refuse to defend myself. I mean… just LOOK at this PICTURE.
Andrew: Try living in it.
Stephen: Just because I drove you home doesn’t mean you’re part of my family, asshole.
Are you sure you’re having these kids in the normal way? Instead of, like, cellular mitosis? Because I’m not seeing a whole lot of variety here.
If you people would stop having kids, we could be doing much more interesting things than playing “guess which one this is.”
I’m guessing it’s Faith? God, this is terrible.
I miss Bob.
Anyway, I built this for a completely different neighbourhood but ended up plunking it down in Centreborough to fill space.
Me and Peshterianu down by the school-yard.
So that’s your casual outfit huh.
I bet the cops profile you a lot.
Sure is fun making these for places you only see for two or three screenshots each. Yup. Sure is.
Randy: I think I know someone who’d be perfect for you, snrrrrk.
Ember: I’m not really into blind dates.
Shea Tsang: Well I didn’t fall out of the clear blue sky for nothing, I’ll tell you that for free.
Ember: Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re ancient, you’re a fucking restaurant host NPC, and most importantly of all, you fell straight through the ceiling and I’m pretty sure you’re about to bleed out any second now and I don’t want to be implicated when that happens.
Randy: I’m sitting down! 🙂
This is where those filthy downtownies get dumped when they die. My precious valley people will end up in Hushed Whispers back home, at least until it bugs out and I replace it.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Now I’m gonna have to just call it “Corners Cemetery.”
Glen Traver: GONNA CHOKE A BITCH
I don’t know either. I haven’t visited any community lots long enough for two people to get this hard of a hate-on for each other.
Glen: Are we dating now?
Hailey Brown: I think there’s a small but foundational flaw in your understanding of how to “hit” on someone, Glen.
Gateway Park is just an architectural flourish I put at the entrance to Pine Valley on the road to Centreborough. The gateway arch itself is largely empty, meaning no Sims will wander around in it, meaning it’s a great place for wooing.
You’re… not pregnant. Are you?
Laci: It’s habit.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
Oh, dude! Somebody cooked up a full plate of floor poos! Get ’em while they’re warm!
Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I fuckin’ LOVE cheating.
Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Warlock: And sunshine.
Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Warlock: And true love.
Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Warlock: But mostly cheating.
Ember: I can do that.
Greg Hunicke the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I should warn you that I’m an Atrociously Evil Warlock. It says so right there in my name.
Ember: I can do that, too.
Yes, apparently you can.
Count Alon Kim: Your home is beautiful, Mr. Price. The pictures just don’t do it justice.
Bradley: You mean like how this picture, for example, has my wardrobe mirror reflecting the lowered walls?
Count Alon Kim: Precisely.
And I was so close, too.
Yeah! That’s right! PAY TRIBUTE TO YOUR GODDESS!
Count Alon: Purrrrrple shiiiiiiiit!
Ember: I fucking LOVE purple shit!
This was Bradley’s idea. Apparently he figures that if a rock star witch is hot, a rock star VAMPIRE witch would be even hotter.
Ember: What, no tongue?
Ember: This had better not leave a mark…
Count Alon: Pff. It’ll look like just another freckle. You filthy ginger.
Ember: WHAT A WORLD WHAT A WORLD
Ember: You can never be too prepared. Those good little girls can sneak up on you something fierce, and there goes all your beautiful wickedness.
Count Alon: Less sexy.
Count Alon: Less forceful.
Count Alon: More European.
Count Alon: Perfect.
Ember: Suicide Girls will definitely accept me now.
Christ, this is getting out of hand.
Go away! We don’t want any.
Somewhere nearby is a very confused and very rich florist.
Man. You look like the end credits of Star Trek.
Which one? The good one.
Ember: You remembered to put them up this time!
Ember: The walls! The walls are up!
Ember: I didn’t know you had a Star Trek fetish.
I always hoped that when my neighbourhood would start bugging out it would at least do so in a stimulating and hilarious manner, and Pine Valley has definitely delivered. Apparently the Prices’ mansion is now classified as a vacation destination of sorts, because townies from Twikkii Island, Three Lakes and Takemizu Village descend on it at all hours. The butler lets them in, and they stay like hippie hobos for three days smoking bubbles and eating my food.
Alan Warner: Hey stupid, I brought you this thing.
Alan: Oh HELL YEAH!
Shea Tsang: Amateur.
For one brief, glorious moment, I was sure he was gonna steal it.
Shea: Take that, you whippersnappers!
Ted: I got all y’all sussed.
Holy SHIT, Ted. No wonder that tracksuit’s so baggy.
So who won? None of them, since they’re all boring and ugly and I’ll never ever use them for anything else.
Ted: IGNORE ME!
So… does that mean it was good for you?
Ember: Why are you biting me again?!
Count Alon: Game bugged out.
Ember: Why is there a blonde chick in a kimono on my helipad?!
Count Alon: Neighbourhood bugged out.
Count Alon: Oh my god! What happened to your face?!
Ember: Forget my face, what happened to my body?! TEAL IS NOT A NATURAL SKIN COLOUR!
Whatever it was, it all came out in the wash.
Hobos, I tell you. HOBOS.
Coffee in the summertime?
Abigail: It’s pretty cold in here. Maybe if you-
HAVING WALLS DOWN DOESN’T AFFECT THE TEMPERATURE, AND YOU’RE A SIMSCIENTIST SO YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT.
Why are you REALLY drinking it?
Abigail: I need some energy.
Abigail: For beating up that bitch who keeps stealing my husband.
Ember: Wait! Wait! I can help you out! You wanna be a vampire, right?
Abigail: I’m a Knowledge Sim, aren’t I?
Ember: Well, I’m a vampire! I can bite you! I can bite you and make you a vampire!
Abigail: How about you bite my husband instead.
Ember: What, again?
Abigail: In the non-sexual sense. The sense we were just talking about.
Ember: I know, I just wanted to rub the adultery in a bit more.
Ember: Your soul is mine to command! You are completely in my thrall!
Stephen: I could have told you that. What’s the purple shit for?
Wait… rotate a bit to the right.
Aha! It was Faith. Faith Murphy. You can’t expect me to stand on ceremony when you’re popping out kids like they’re Skittles on backwards day! She’s… a ninja. What? That can’t be right. She’s… no, SimPE is pretty sure she’s a ninja. Actually… apparently, everyone in Pine Valley is a ninja.
Allow me a moment to reset the program.
Okay, so, bad news, Faith isn’t a ninja. She is OCD (10/10 Neat), SAD (1/10 Outgoing), ADHD (10/10 Active), and… 6/10 Playful, 8/10 Nice. I couldn’t think of any good disease acronyms for those.
You probably don’t even know what SAD is.
Ember: I’m sure that was all really important but if you don’t let me stop this soon I’M GONNA GIVE HIM BRAIN CANCER.
Stephen: Abigail? Honey? We need to have another chat about limits.
Yay! You look like a douchebag.
Not in this picture specifically, just in general. I’ve been meaning to tell you that.
I shouldn’t have to deal with this. I should never have to deal with a Family Sim and a Romance Sim pining away for each other.
You know what? Maybe the neighbourhood bugs started sooner than I thought.
Vampires! Feared denizens of darkness! Sadistic masters of the underworld!
Ember: And I will love him and hug him and kiss him and snuggle him and…
Stephen: Pay no attention to that woman behind the chess set!
So this was your plan? Why not have Ember bite you directly?
You like it, don’t lie.
Ember: No, Stephen! Sexy! Not snuggly! Sexy! The transformation won’t take if you don’t do it right!
I’m pretty sure your obstetrician wouldn’t approve of this.
Stephen: Blehh! Does this mean you and Ember are cool now?
Abigail: Blehh! She has ten minutes to leave before I eat her alive.
Well. The hair has come full circle at last.
Kyle: Hey, mom, I’ve been thinking, and maybe this isn’t such a hot idea, what with me being in high school and high school being sort of a daytime thing? Mom? Mom!?
Kyle: GOD DAMMIT MOM.
Hey, it was in EVERYONE’s Wants panel, and I’m a slave to their desires.
Abigail, Abigail, Abigail. Becoming a vampire isn’t the same as aging up. You don’t have to whack his head on the ceiling to make him a vampire.
So, what nefarious havoc does our family of vampires wreak on a superstitious and unsuspecting humanity?
Abigail: I have have GOT to show you this BEAUTIFUL starfish we got when your father, bless him, and I were on vacation at that BEAUTIFUL island resort. It’s fabulous, you’ll love it.
Abigail: I found it beachcombing. Your father and I were very big into beachcombing, weren’t we, dear?
Stephen: I got a rock!
Victoria: Use the toilet! USE THE TOILET!
Huh. I guess Laci WAS pregnant. This is Cecilia Phelps, not Cecilia Sharpe, because Laci and Neil aren’t married. I’m sure that will never become an issue for her.
Victoria: Wait a minute… uh huh… carry the four…
Victoria: YOU CHEATING SON OF A BITCH!
I love how Neil looks like he’s both irritated and constipated, while Laci is completely oblivious to everything.
Virginia: GODDAMMIT DADDY WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING STUPID
Neil and Victoria: I HATE YOU FOREVER
Laci: Hahaha fetch!
Victoria: We’re through, Neil! Finished! 🙂
Neil: Why are you smiling?
Victoria: I’m dropping you like a flaming bag of poo! 🙂
Neil: Why are you smiling?!
Victoria: I want you out of my house this instant! 😀
Neil: WHY ARE YOU SMILING IT’S FREAKING ME OUUUUUT
Victoria: Never let the fuckers see you sneer.
Victoria: Good riddance to bad jockstraps.
Virginia: -sniffle- I bet he’s gonna take the pool table with him 🙁
He does. He also takes the dog, and her sister. They’re a matched set, personality-wise (read: they’re all filthy lunatics).
Yes, I was including the dog in that.
The pool table, not so much.
As far as I know, anyway.
I don’t watch it all the time.
Daryl, if you keep feeding them their mothers will reject them and they’ll starve.
Bradley: I’m gonna stand here and watch you drink it.
Ember: Why are we doing this? The whole vampire thing was your idea!
Bradley: That was before I knew you were gonna spread it like crabs!
Ember: I’m melting! MELLLLTIIIIING!
Bradley: No, you’re not.
Ember: I’LL BE DAMNED IF I LET ALL THAT PRACTICE GO TO WASTE!
Bradley: There. Now you’re only one kind of ridiculous.
Bradley: Two… ridiculously hot, right? Right. I forgot.
Well I don’t see how, but whatever.
Stephen: Hurry the fuck up, Andrew, we’re all literally dying here.
Awesome! You look perfectly serviceable. Your boring brother can fuck right off to hell now.
Kyle: Speaking of which… it’s awfully… awfully sunlight in here… right now…
SHIT! NO! I’m sorry! I was only joking!
Abigail: KYLE! COME BACK! I CAN’T WRITE OFF AN ASH PILE AS A DEPENDANT!
Quick! QUICK! Bribe the Reaper!
The Grim Reaper: I ONLY ACCEPT PAYMENT IN CASH OR MAGIC SHELL GAMES. URINE IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE.
DARYL DAMMIT NO
Daryl: Don’t mind me, just taking the white trash out.
So that’s how it goes, I guess. First in, first out.
Stephen: I’LL DRINK TO THAT.
Stephen: Blehh! Blehh!
It’s not working!
Stephen: No, it is, it’s just… blehh! This shit tastes awful!
Kyle: Don’t mourn for me, dad.
Stephen: Fucking right I won’t. What were you doing wandering around in the daytime, you fucking idiot? You knew you were a vampire when you got out of bed!
Um. It’s kinda her stupid fault, dude…
Stephen: And I’m gonna take it out on her tonsils!
Stephen: Do you think the souls of the dead live on somewhere beyond the veil of this harsh and uncaring world?
Stephen: Good, me either.
Ember: But anyway, I’m really sorry to hear about Kyle and all that, but I mostly came over to use your tub.
Ember: And then ruin your marriage again.
YES. YES, GREAT. Let’s just pile EVEN MORE SHIT onto this GIANT SHITFIRE we’ve got going on here.
Andrew: Our butler is pretty hot, eh?
WAIT ARE YOU KYLE?!
Abigail: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR PENIS, STEPHEN?
Stephen: OW I didn’t mean OW okay I’m sorry OW wait
Abigail: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR PENIS, ASSHOLE?!
Stephen: I swear to god, woman, if you hit me one more time I’ll… take it, actually, I’m not a monster. What’s that face for?
Abigail: Oh my goddddddd…
Abigail: THE HELLSPAWN IS CLAWING ITS WAY OUT
Andrew: God DAMMIT, dad, is this your fault too?!
Aaaaaand YOINK. We interrupt this pregnancy to bring you a last-minute marriage proposal out of nowhere.
Victoria: I told Neil I had a spare. He should have listened to me.
So yeah. Ian Perry‘s moving in. Good thing you’ve been paying attention to his appearances, right? Right?
Anyway, they’re both Fortune Sims so they’re pretty crazy about each other. Not as crazy as they are about money, mind you, because that would just be stupid.
Vyn Gilscarbo: -lingers-
YOU MAY GO.
Ian cleans up pretty nicely for a Mr. Big.
Ian: Are you calling me a lumpy chocolate bar?
No, no, no. “Mr. Big” is the type of NPC you were until just a few moments ago. They’re really irritating, vain, smug socialites who bring a lot of money when you move them in.
Ian: Because I think I’m more of a Caramilk. Rich and smooth on the outside, with ooey gooey goodness inside.
Keep this shit up and I’ll make a Crispy Crunch out of you.
I thought you got kicked out?
Neil: I did. This is Victoria’s old house.
And you decorated it to look exactly the same?
Neil: It’s not my fault you won’t download me some new walls and floors.
Sure it is. I’d do it if you weren’t so boring and annoying.
About my reasons, that is. He’s still boring and annoying.
Okay, so that’s Cecilia. She’s… yeah, let’s call her adorable and not look at her anymore. She’s a total slob (0/10 Neat), infuriatingly forward (10/10 Outgoing), a live wire (9/10 Active), childish to the extreme (10/10 Playful) and a serial killer (1/10 Nice). Good LORD. You’re welcome to her.
Attaboy, Howser. Keep the general theme of pointless destruction intact as we bring this one home.
Next week on Hell’s Neighbourhood: hot teen romance, a steamy adulterous trip to the tropics, and so much sex and nudity you’ll forget this update even happened.
And by “next week” I mean it’s been up for like two years.
Comments are always welcome on any entry, no matter its age, and all comments will likely be responded to.
You’ve been warned!