The Pine Valley Chronicles, Chapter Four

Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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Well… I hope you like birthdays.

As you might recall, we ended the last chapter with a minor cliffhanger. Victoria and Neil were having their first child!

So naturally, here is Abigail giving Kyle a bath.

And here is Kyle taking a shit.

Kyle: .oO(I’m so embarassed for you, dude.)

At least I’m not taking a shit on camera.

And here is Abigail and Stephen sleeping together. Awwwww.

Alright, alright. This is William Sharpe. He’s got all of Neil’s genetics and none of Victoria’s. God help us all.

He can’t even bear to look at me.

Okay, that’s it. No more adorable. I want cursing and swearing and so help me even dying if you can swing it. Fuck this weeaboo shit.

Abigail: Here’s the thing. You’re married to me, right? Right. So, do you think you can keep your flaccid little penis out of that dipshit redhead for ten fucking seconds?

Abigail: Because if you can’t, I’m taking everything you own and then castrating you on my way out the door. Alright? Sweetie?

Stephen: Well, honey, I… honey? Honey? …bye?

With Stephen properly in his place, Kyle’s transition to childhood may now begin.

Stephen: Gonna grow up to be a ladies man, just like your daddy, Kyle? Eh, little man?
Kyle: .oO(I’m gonna grow up to be gay just to spite you.)

Thank god, something different.

Note to self: clutter angles you’ll need to take many important pictures from with meaningless architectural flourishes.

Abigail: OH MY GOD you put him on the floor that’s so awesome!

Abigail and Stephen: WOO! YEAH! GROW, YOU LITTLE SHIT! GROW!

Congratulations, it’s… Captain Boomerang.

Kyle: Arblgrblflrblesmrf! MAN. No more thought bubbles! That feels soooo good.

Wait’ll you see what it’s like to feed yourself.

Now it’s William’s turn for a birthday behind bars. Or behind rails, anyway.

I’m sure you’re on the edge of your seat.

BAMF! Bowlcut.

Neil: You ever look up at the stars, and think “Look at all that vast, shimmering space… I’m such a tiny, insignificant person by comparison”?

Victoria: No, but I can see why you would.

Meanwhile, Ember is pregnant. And making out with a guy with ridiculous hair. In a parking lot.

The parking lot of the only clothing store in Centreborough. I guess everyone is too busy furiously rifling through the clothing racks to notice all the rampant adultery going on outside the windows.

Fucking in the change room is a little less inconspicuous.

Uma Knight: WOO! Adults doing adult stuff! I’m NEVER GONNA BE AN ADULT! Woo!
Brooke Alioto: WOO! Vicarious sex! WOO!
Ian Perry: My head is in your back! WOO!

Ember: …and that’s how babies are made.
Brooke: OHHHHHH. But what if you can’t find a changing booth?

Most. Romantic. Ceremony. EVER.

Bradley: Nothing’s too good for my Emmykins!
Ember: Doing this in your filthy bathroom is fine, but I draw the fucking line at “Emmykins.”

Back to Kyle and the Family Murphy.

Brenda Wilson: Hey, kid… fuck you.

I can already tell you’re going to set the world ablaze.

Troy Traver: I’ma sneak ’round yo house, yo.

Troy: Still sneakin’ yo.

Troy: Sneaky sneaky sneaky.

Troy: Sneak com-PLETE. Peace out, brothas.

…what the fuck was that.

Stephen: I’m a goddamn DOCTOR.


Stephen is not a doctor.

Stephen: Alright, alright, I’m awake already. Don’t have a cow!

She didn’t! She had another boy! Who probably looks nearly identical to the other one, with Stephen’s hair and Abby’s skin. His name is Andrew Murphy.

Never gonna let you age.

Abigail: Are you Rickrolling me? Because I think you’re doing it wrong.


Take a shot.

What happened?

Neil: Got fired.

What?! Why?

Neil: Bad chance card.

Was it that stupid coffee one? That stupid coffee one always fucks me up.

Neil: No, it was the one where you have to decide whether to have sex with your team cheerleaders, all at once, or the coach of the opposing team.

…that’s not a chance card. That’s just you being an asshole. You got fired for being an asshole, Neil.

Neil: Well, even an asshole shouldn’t have to come home to the fucking circus.

Neil: Good boy, William! Now… name me the coach for the Centreborough Other Llamas!
William: Neiw Shawpe!
Neil: NOT ANYMORE! God, William, too soon! You’re such a bastard!

New nanny! Hope I remembered to buy a fire alarm.

There has to be a more complicated way we can do this.

Wow! Good nanny!


Never mind. Normal nanny.

I wouldn’t take advice from anyone who wears a hat like that to feel intelligent, but that’s just me.

This is Brady Sartor. He is the Sharpe family’s new butler. And this is Brady Sartor’s spot. He never moves from it.

Personally I would have gone for the cheerleader option, dude.

Neil: I figured the coach would have fewer STDs.
Ally Monif: I don’t have any STDs!
Neil: Well, actually… funny story…

When he’s not giving crabs to his co-workers, Neil tries to stretch William.

Good lord, that’s a lot of bottles. Brady’s definitely bugged; usually butlers try to throw Smart Milk out before the toddler can get to it, like it’s bottled arsenic or something.

Man, everything you do has such flair and panache.


Ember: So what?


Ember: Of course not, don’t be silly. I’m off to my first gig as a Rock Goddess. What are you talking about?

…I forget.

This is Sunny Clark. I renamed her “Sunny Lane” in my head, but that’s a porn star’s name. Don’t read anything into that.

Sunny: So, what do you do around here for fun?
Kyle: Mostly I just watch my daddy cheat on my mommy and get yelled at.

They get along like gangbusters. Tiny, boring gangbusters with early bedtimes.

Andrew’s birthday! Tone down the enthusiasm a bit, guys, you’re freaking me out.

Enter the Matrix.

Andrew: Blocks? Are you SHITTING me?!

I like him already.

William: -cough-
Neil: How many times do I have to repeat this fucking nursery rhyme? Is there something wrong with your memory, kid?
William: -choke-


Why what?

Neil: Why is this the only thing that my butler has done in three days? Why is she giving birth on the patio? Why was she playing chess in her pajamas? Why do we even have a massage table?

Yeah, I… yeah.

It’s twins! Meet Vanessa and Virginia Sharpe! What’s that? You can only see one of them? Well I don’t know what your problem is.

Ember: -blowdarts the townie stalker-

I have never seen that Sim before or since.

It’s the since that worries me.

Anyway, turns out those babies weren’t just a figment of my imagination. Time to make Toddlers out of them!

First I shall inflict Chelsea Price upon you. She’s a total slob like her parents (0/10 Neat), very Outgoing (7/10), lazy as all hell (0/10 Active), painfully Playful (10/10), and Nice to a fault (10/10). Based on that personality, she’s going to take after her mother and be a Romance Sim. Her One True Hobby is Nature, so she’s a filthy hippie on top of everything else.

With Chelsea safely stowed in the trash compactor, it’s time to age her sister up.

As compensation for Chelsea, I present Cameron Price. She’s a Neat freak (10/10), a social incompetent (Outgoing 2/10), as lazy as humanly possible (0/10 Active), and a perfect 10/10 for both Playful and Nice. That makes her, after some deliberation, a Knowledge Sim. Her One True Hobby is Cuisine, so she can cook for the family she’s never gonna get.

Randy Reiner: SNRRRRRRRRK.

Stop that.

Randy: It’s snowing! SNRRRRRRRKKKKK.

I don’t know why at least half of my townies have scrambled eggs in their brainpans.

Kyle: Bang! I shot you!


Sunny: What? What did he say?


It’s so cute how they act like they’re real people.

Kyle: Aww! What’s his name?

I don’t remember.

Kyle: You don’t remember? We just got him!

That’s your perspective. I’m from the future. I bought you that womrat TWO YEARS AGO, and anyway he dies.


I feel like Kate Beaton.

Only not as talented.

Or pretty.

Oh, Kate.


What do you want?

Ember: Adultery.

We’re fresh out!

Ember: Then you can borrow some of mine.

Ember: Chemistry is a funny thing.
Stephen: That sounds like the beginning of an insult.
Ember: Abigail’s got you trained well.

Ember: But yeah, I have no idea why I find you so attractive.
Stephen: Me, I have no idea how we just switched places.

Ember: Aren’t you gonna invite me in?
Stephen: No.
Ember: Good thing I’m rude, then.

Stephen: You could at least have taken your boots off.
Ember: You’d think so, but you’d be wrong.

Stephen: You could at least have taken your top off.
Ember: I’ll make a note for next time.

Ember: How’s the view from up there?

How did you know I was peeking?

Ember: How could you not be? These puppies are solid gold!

It’s a good thing everyone else is in bed.

Actually, it’s an inexplicable thing everyone else is in bed. I didn’t have the doorbell hack installed yet; why didn’t they all wake up when she rang it?

Stephen: Rohypnol.


Stephen: What?

Yep, it’s finally happening. She’s come over for some hot, steamy… shower. Alone. By herself.

As you do.

Ember: Will you be thinking about me tonight?
Stephen: With 200% effectiveness thanks to my Thinking Cap!
Ember: I don’t know if you thought that was romantic, or anything, but it wasn’t. It was just weird.

Yeah, woo, a birthday. Edge of your seats, all that. At least now William is becoming a human being.

Perhaps I spoke too soon.

A sensible fucking haircut later, and it’s apparently also time for the invisitwins to grow up. Who’s first? Who knows? WHO CARES?!

Looks like it’s Vanessa. Turns out she’s a hobo (0/10 Neat), a face in the crowd (5/10 Outgoing), a spark plug (10/10 Active), moderately amusing (5/10 Playful) and a good girl (9/10 Nice). Her One True Hobby is Arts and Crafts, which is good, because she’s inherited some of her mother’s albinism and art always sells better when the artist dies young.

Her sister Virginia is tidy (8/10 Neat), obtrusive (9/10 Outgoing), rambunctious (10/10 Active), serious as death (0/10 Playful), and affable (8/10 Nice). Their hair thinks it’s white, but their eyebrows think different. And I make a point of never arguing with eyebrows.

Not that the opportunity often presents itself.

Ah, that sweet juxtaposition of homogeneity and personality.

Boy does it look stupid.

Aren’t you afraid your wife will find that and cut your balls off?

Stephen: I’m in my office, she doesn’t have a key.

Why do you have an office?

Stephen: Because I’m a senator?

In the sense that you’re also a doctor?

Stephen: In the sense that I’M ACTUALLY A SENATOR.

When did that happen?

Stephen: When a plane crashed into the capitol and killed all the real senators. I mailed in ten cereal box tops!

I would never ignore you, Abigail.

Aww, you pat him on the head for affirmation?

Abigail: What? I’m rubbing his head for luck. What kind of stupid shit have you been reading?

Victoria: Huh… what? Are you on my household now? I’m awake! I’m awake!

Nah, you’re still too boring. Go back to sleep.

When I said nobody at the Trendy Tailor would notice adultery outside, even hot redheaded pregnant adultery, I was being dead serious. Clothes shopping is SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS in Centreborough.

Hobart Rusewicz: Let me have a turn at the racks.
Jessie: Yeah, right. Me, I have a chance to not look like a douchebag here. You, there’s no power on SimEarth that can help you.

Chelsea: Waws down.

I know, I know!

Chelsea: Siwwy god waws down!

You’re gonna pay for that when you’re older.

Not afraid Bradley’s gonna catch you?

Ember: He already did. I just told him Stephen was a moisturizer salesman and his face was a sample tray.

I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation for why you’re in your bathing suit now.

Ember: It was my idea. I was thinking maybe if his genitals were looser he’d make a fucking move on me already.

I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation for why he hasn’t.

Ember: I’m thinking he must be a eunuch.

Yeah. Dude, if you don’t go for it soon every straight man on earth will suddenly hate you and they won’t even know why.

Yeah, yeah, play it safe. Pussy.

Bradley: Christ, now there’s a shampoo salesman?!

Stephen: What? I’m taking notes for my painting. What?

Like the image isn’t already seared into your soul.

Presumably she requested this.

Because nobody else would have.

Stephen: This is much less awkward than dinner at home.

Ember: I’m thinking we need a glass table, this is really unfair to me.

Ember: .oO(Oh my god, he’s gonna go for it!)

Ember: .oO(Okay… NOW he’s gonna go for it!)

Ember: .oO(This time… for sure… he’s gonna go for it. He IS gonna go for it. HE IS. GONNA GO. FOR IT.)

Did he go for it?


Ember: It’s okay, lots of men get erectile dysfunction.
Stephen: Well I don’t.
Ember: So why aren’t we having sex?
Stephen: Can’t we just cuddle?
Ember: I’m all for abandoning traditonal and outdated gender roles but CAN’T IT WAIT ‘TIL MORNING

At this point I think Abigail would be less angry if they were just bonking each other senseless. Ember and Stephen don’t act this domestic with their ACTUAL SPOUSES.

…okay, fine, I give in. It’s cute. Happy? You’re still going to hell.

Hands up everyone who thinks her shocked expression has ANYTHING to do with what he’s SAYING. Child protective services, anyone?


Ember: They can get their own boyfriends.

That’s it, just fiddle with your pinball machine while Rome burns.

This is the stupidest love triangle ever. The whore, the man who just wants to cuddle her, and her husband who wouldn’t know adultery if it was fucking his wife.

Neil: You’re sure these are my kids? Because they’re all really dumb.

That’s why I’m sure.

Stephen teleports home in time to see his wife die.

Nah, not really. We’ve just cycled back to the Murphy household. See the side title?

But yeah. She’s totally still dying.

Nah, not really. Christ, are you people thick.

Stephen: Don’t push, Abigail! DON’T PUSH! I can’t bring another child into a world with walls down!

Look, I’m sure you’re in a lot of pain right now, but it would be easier to appreciate if you didn’t look so fucking hilarious.


Speaking of numerous flaws, here’s Oliver Murphy!

Look, I actually took a picture of a Murphy baby! I think I shan’t take two.

They all look the same anyway.

Even after they grow up.

And the award goes to…

123.jpg! Congratulations, 123.jpg!

123.jpg: I’d like to thank the Academy, and my family, and the atrocious photographer who created me!

This is 123.jpg’s first award nomination for Ugliest Image Ever, and its first win!

But seriously kid, get the fuck off their computer.

Sunny: I’m reading your journal. I just started Chapter Fourteen.

Get the fuck off their computer IMMEDIATELY.

Stephen: Alright, Andrew! It’s your first hover test! Good luck!


Stephen: Ooh, and it’s a fail! Quick everyone, razz him with extreme prejudice!

Andrew: Someday I will learn how to hover.

Yikes. Sailor Jupiter called, she wants her eyes back.

Abigail: We’ve got a better kid now. You have become redundant.
Kyle: No, momma! Wait!
Abigail: -hurls Kyle into the road-

Headmaster’s Car: -runs Kyle over-

It’s more interesting than what actually happened.

Stephen: It’s fucking cold let’s go inside. Yeah, whatever nice to meet you whatever. Inside.

Abigail: Stephen suggested that I wear my wedding dress, because it would make you “pop your bone.” I didn’t know you had a dog, Aaron!

Abigail: And anyway I’m not sure what my dress has to do with bones.

That joke was written in 2010, before BP became the careful and trustworthy corporate entity it is today.

Hey Daryl! I didn’t know the Murphys had a butler!

Daryl Miguel: Apparently their bank didn’t either. Hey guys! Trying to make a good impression on the headmaster?

Brady helps out by stealing the map to Pagoda in the Shadows which Abigail dug up on Twikkii Island, and then calling her a deadbeat.

Apparently he was expecting to get paid or something?

Stephen: I can’t believe we got the kids into private school.
Abigail: I can’t believe you pulled my dress up over my head.

Stephen: Wanna have sex now?
Abigail: Wait for the camera to leave.

I’m not going anywhere.


Anyway, hula party at Neil’s. Apparently.

What a twat pack.

Bradley: Quick! Let’s make sweet love on the table while they’re looking the other way!
Victoria: Couldn’t you just slit my throat instead?

William: I bet you’re all wondering why I called this meeting.
Kyle: I was wondering why you called it in the bathroom.
Sunny: I was wondering why I’m even friends with you losers.

Sunny: Lady, you got a lot of balls barging in on us like that.

Yeah, Abigail’s pregnant again. She’s pretty much only un-pregnant for one day between having each kid, when she goes to work and gets promoted before popping again.

…which is horrible. What the fuck, me?

Neil: And that’s the story of the mean ogre who refused to open the storybook and read to his stupid kid.
Virginia: Again!

William: I’m gonna be a famous artist!

Pff. No you’re not.


Bradley: Ignore mommy, she’s trippin’ balls.

Ember: Woo! Yeah! You can do it, honey!
Bradley: Holy shit my wife is hot. I mean, yeah! Woo! Aging!

Hooray for epic hair fail. Go Chelsea! It’s your birthday!

What an empty featureless shithole your house is.

Speaking of empty and featureless…

Cameron: I’ll grow into it.

Not without surgery you won’t.

Chelsea already knows what it takes to be a popular girl.

Cameron is just thrilled by the mention of something school-related, even in the negative.

That’s really rude, William. High five!

You know what’s worse, though? That picture he took? THIS IS THAT PICTURE HE TOOK.

Christ, you’d think it was the Pope’s birthday or something.

(Twice the blasphemy, twice the fun!)

Kyle: Who’s that.

THAT is a neighbour with no sense of privacy.

Onward to better things!



You’ve seriously got to be shitting me. Oh well. He’s a Knowledge Sim, as per his personality, and the game gives him the random Lifetime Want to… become a world class ballet dancer.

So, he is gay! Neat.

His father is definitely NOT gay. Or circumspect.

Sunny: What prompted this sudden burst of romance?
Kyle: God wants to make sure I’m gay.
Sunny: Well that’s something you don’t hear every day. So? You feeling anything?
Kyle: My back is starting to ache. Does that count?

Sunny: Okay, okay, GET OFF. Speaking as a chick, you certainly kiss like you’re gay.

Sunny: If we’re gonna do this thing, let’s do this thing right.

That is TOTALLY NOT YOUR FIRST KISS. I just saw your first kiss a few moments ago. I HAVE PICS SO IT HAPPENED. (INTERNETS.)

Kyle: Well, I feel adorable, but I’m pretty sure that’s all I feel.

That settles it, then.

Kyle: Can I put my hair back to blonde?

Yeah, I was just trying to play to Sunny’s Turn-Ons.

Sunny: Oh sure, everybody manipulate the townies, they don’t have feelings.

That’s enough out of you. Back in your box!

You’re doing this just to fuck with me, right?

Oliver certainly knows how to make an entrance. Toddler stats! He’s passably Neat (7/10), passably Outgoing (6/10), passably Active (5/10), an utter bore (Playful 0/10) and an all-around Nice guy (8/10). Jesus CHRIST could you POSSIBLY be less interesting. At least he’s gonna be a Family Sim. His One True Hobby is Science, just like his mommy.


Down! DOWN! Bad girl!

Good LORD kid, find a mirror. And run, don’t walk.

Virginia: How do I look from the side?

Like the queen of the weasel people. You! Mirror! Now!

Virginia: How about if I smile?

How about if you fuck off so I can age up your sister and end this ridiculous update?

Neil: (nervously) You think this one will turn out stupid-looking too, hon?

Vanessa: Albino Twin powers… ACTIVATE!

That’s enough of that, don’t you agree? I SWEAR this is all going somewhere! It’s the journey that counts, right?


Next update: dogs, devil worship and death (if there’s time).

Comments are always welcome on any entry, no matter its age, and all comments will likely be responded to.

You’ve been warned!

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