Welcome to the Pine Valley Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Things have been going too well, haven’t they? Let’s see if we can’t do something about that.
Last time in the Pine Valley Chronicles, Abigail and Stephen got married, and we got subjected to their honeymoon.
But now, it’s time for Great Moments in Bad Idea History!
Neil: Wanna, like… move in? I don’t, I don’t… care. Whatever.
Neil believes in getting fit naturally.
Buddy, with what you’re wearing you have no right to react like that to ANYONE. (It’s probably a neighbour jogging past in the buff. Sigh.) And hey, isn’t it awesome that his work uniform GIVES HIM HAIR?
Victoria: Skills to pay the bills!
Skillin’ like a villain!
Victoria: A view to a skill!
Oh, you skilly little girl!
Victoria: Making a skilling!
That one sucked.
Victoria: I knew I was tapped, I just didn’t want to lose.
No really, WHAT?
Bradley: She left me!
Yeah. So? She’s a Romance Sim! She’ll be back.
Ugh, FINE. Let’s go find her.
Centreborough’s top, and on an unrelated note, only, nightclub!
Where else would you find Pine Valley’s top, and only, playa?
She’s modelling a little number I like to call “in your kitchen the morning after, wearing your shirt and making you breakfast.”
I guess it works, because she’s turning the head of that random badly-dressed townie girl in the background.
If you can call that “working.”
Taking cruel advantage of my need to show off every place we visit, Ember immediately fucks off to the Sheridan Centre. It’s a shopping mall with arcade, jewellery shop, convenience store, hairdresser and food court.
At this time of night, the pickings are slim. As in, Slim Pickens slim. Although he was fat. But yeah. This is Anthony Rodriquez. He’s not a cowboy, but he thinks he is.
Pop! Abigail’s fat now. Okay, fine, she’s just pregnant. Spoilsports.
Don’t let the content expression fool you. She’s thinking about strangling him for doing this to her.
Um. Glad to see you’re getting… comfortable… with each other?
Bradley explains to Brandi Bertino (1 of 2; you’ll see) that he’s pretty fly for a white guy.
She makes him prove it.
Bradley: What the fuck, dude? All up in my girl action!
Neil: You’re not getting any girl action, bro. We’re way better at the Hungry Tummy Dance than you are.
Neil: …is that a fucking hole in your wall?
Brandi: Has anyone ever said you look a lot like Ben Affleck?
Bradley: Just in the comments.
For you, Wenchy.
Wow! It’s almost like you guys were in suspended animation since last year !
Abigail: Or like you tend to forget what you’ve already taken pictures of!
Or like shut up you snotty snotbag!
Alone in his own home, Stephen attempts to introduce the Whitebread Stoner Dance to Pine Valley.
In public at Neil’s, he attempts to introduce drama implosion.
Ember: So, handsome… wanna pick up where we left off?
Abigail: You left off? With her?!
Stephen: I’m so confused! I don’t know which one of you to shoot!
Neil: Those mad fools! They’re ruining my party! Quick, execute Emergency Landing Plan B!
Yeah, Party Score is a good reason to get engaged to someone you only have one bolt of chemistry with.
Bradley: Sorry Steve, but I’m pretty sure it’s curtains for you now.
I love how Bradley was totally okay with his girlfriend cheating on him at a party. FORGIVING.
Abigail, though, not so forgiving. See the wages of your sin? Now a pregnant woman has to kick your garbage can over at all hours of the night! What horrors have you wrought?!
Back to Centreborough again. Ah, for the days when it didn’t crash every ten seconds.
Now that he knows he’s in an open relationship, Bradley takes Brandi there for some lovin’.
Also, what the fuck? That description wasn’t funny at all.
Bitches love hot dogs, amirite?
Apparently I am right.
Well… that one was almost Maxis funny, I guess. But that’s hardly a gold standard.
I know you weren’t wondering, but that last pic happened here.
Stephen: And you’re not helping!
Stephen: LOOK I’M SORRY IT’S NOT MY FAULT SHE BLEW OUR COVER
Abigail: OH NO! BAD APOLOGY CONTRACTIONS!
Here he is, the very first child born in Pine Valley. His name is Kyle Murphy; it probably should have been Adam, but that would have required a sense of occasion that I simply do not have.
Hey, awesome! You’re not wearing that stupid suit anymore.
Actually, that’s not awesome at all. I hope you get demoted.
Abigail: He didn’t mean you.
Damn right I didn’t.
But yeah. Wedding party! Not at the church, though. Because fuck the church.
Hooray for cultural appropriation!
Neil: What part of “party” is confusing you guys? Sitting down is not a party. Sitting down is the Borg.
Abigail: I’ll bite. How is sitting down the Borg?
Neil: -sits down- Because resistance is futile. Hey, where’s Ember?
Victoria: She’s not invited. I want this wedding to actually happen.
Neil: Who’s the pompadude?
Victoria: That’s Ian Perry. He’s my backup for when I get sick of you.
Victoria: So… we just gonna sit here?
IT’S NOT MY FAULT. This is how you get a good party in TS2. Take it up with Maxis. Oh, wait, you can’t, because Maxis doesn’t exist anymore. I GUESS YOU JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.
Neil: It’s okay, guys! Don’t get up!
Neil: Just getting married over here, that’s all!
Neil: You guys are great! Best friends forever!
Neil: Fucking assholes.
Neil: I mean it’s not like we mmpphhh urrmmppph mmmmm.
Well played, ma’am.
Neil: So! Where were we.
Abigail: The party was great, Victoria! Hey, let Stephen and I know when the wedding is gonna be, okay?
Victoria: Heh. Sure thing Abby! Heh. /devastated
What’s the best way to follow up a failwedding? Going on a failaday for your failymoon!
Neil sees a ninja! Who promptly disappears.
Honeymoon Score: 0/1.
They go on a walking tour! In a bus. And get lost. And nearly die.
Honeymoon Score: 0/2.
They play catch in the park! And it rains.
Honeymoon Score: 0/3.
Victoria does her second-rate Abigail impression, for which I award no points. And also, hey moron, it’s not raining anymore! That’s gotta be worth a ding.
Honeymoon Score: 0/4.
I don’t think I can improve this one with a caption.
Honeymoon Score: Momentarily Very Confused.
Neil tosses a coin into a lucky fountain! And gets chased by bees for two hours.
Honeymoon Score: 0/5.
The newlyweds spend most of their honeymoon in bed! Wink, wink! Ignoring each other.
Ignoring each other while Victoria daydreams about a man who isn’t her husband. That’s two more strikes.
Honeymoon Score: 0/7.
The faucets in the hotel bathroom all break and spew water, while Goopy GilsCarbo’s long-lost brother gets into a fistfight with the punk on the bus from Star Trek IV! It lasts for an entire day. At least the asshole in the background is having fun, because nobody else is.
Honeymoon Score: 0/9.
Cheating on his honeymoon! And even that has no joy in it.
Honeymoon Score: 0/10.
Bellhop: AUGH! Dude! Dude. Put some fucking pants on, dude.
Honeymoon Score: 0/11.
You just keep telling yourselves that. I award no points!
Random Ancient Vacationer: Hey, congrats on that awesome wedding party!
Neil: Hey, thanks… old guy? Who I don’t know?
What the fuck? I’m gonna give a penalty just because.
Honeymoon Score: 0/12.
Even the hotel staff aren’t buying your bullshit attempts at romance.
Honeymoon Score: 0/13.
Neil: Okay, fuck this, you win. We’re going home early.
Darn. I was hoping you’d leave it at 0/13, so I could make a joke about your luck.
Honeymoon Score: 0/14.
Victoria: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME HAVE A DIVORCE
Final Honeymoon Score: 0/15. An unmitigated disaster. How ominous!
Victoria: Let’s never mention this again.
Neil: Our honeymoon, or our marriage?
Meanwhile, Abigail smashes her son on the ceiling.
I guess she was giving him artificial growing pains, because he’s aging up!
Yeah, there’s burning in your future, kid. I don’t mind telling you that.
Fucking balustrade! I mean, happy birthday!
Stephen: HOLY SHIT! THERE’S CONFETTI INSIDE HIS HEAD! THAT’S SO AWESOME!
Abigail: I KNOW RIGHT!
Is that why you were trying to burst his noggin on the ceiling earlier?
Kyle: .oO(Get me the hell away from these people.)
Based on his Personality, Kyle’s gonna to be a Knowledge Sim. He’s obsessively Neat (10/10), so un-Outgoing that he’s practically Ingoing (1/10), surprisingly Active (10/10), reasonably Playful (6/10) and very Nice (8/10). His One True Hobby is Tinkering, and the rest of his stats will be determined when he hits his teen years.
Don sighting! Let’s make it a drinking game.
Service clusterfuck! Let’s make it a drinking game.
Adultery! Let’s not make it a drinking game, or we’ll all die.
This is Tiffany Yang, not that it matters at all. Let’s call her Tits McYang instead.
Bradley: Mmf gnmb ursh brrdly. Urtshurs?
Tits: Umh trfnyy. Brttmuh frndsskulmee trts.
Yeah, I can see why you’re one of Bradley’s friends. Been hitting the bubble blower a lot lately, have we?
You gotta love the Shaggin’ Station Wagon.
A girlfriend will go out on a sunday drive with you. A wife will pull your sex-exhausted carcass out of your van and treat your heat stress.
Back in the saddle already! How professional.
Victoria: GO THE FUCK TO BED ALREADY
What, seriously? If this keeps up I’m gonna start making a socially awkward mental connection between hot people fucking and heatstroke. That would axe my promising career in track and field, I tell you what.
As an aside, this is what Anthony Rodriquez looks like without his cowboy hat on. Apparently he kept a brilliant pompadour tucked under there. First class all the way.
A touching family scene where a man with a lightbulb hat teaches his intensely radioactive son how to walk in front of his chameleonic-haired wife.
Abigail: I was wondering when you’d get around to noticing my hair.
This touching father-son moment was brought to you by General Electric. “We bring positive Aspirations to light!”
Kyle: .oO(Fuck your camera.)
Stephen: Raise your arms like this!
Kyle: Wike dis!
Stephen: Repeat after me!
Kyle: Wepeataffa me!
Stephen: Don’t shoot, officer!
-gear stripping scene shift-
Back at the Community Centre, this time with Neil and Laci. Who’s Laci? Well. Laci is the most adorable bartender ever. I can’t believe you even have to ask that. Can’t you tell? Can’t you tell from this FUCKING AWFUL PICTURE I TOOK FROM A THOUSAND MILES AWAY?
Slightly better, I guess. Hey, nice hat lady!
Noelle Oates: I like it. It’s pithy.
Apparently community lot townie bands make Laci wet.
I’m still not showing her face.
BECAUSE I DON’T THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT.
Never mind that she’s in the title pic 😛
Neil convinced her to do it. Don’t think patching up the Murphy marriage makes up for your two-timing, dude!
Bradley: I’ll tell him! If I see him. Stop addressing people who aren’t in the pictures, okay?
CAN’T MAKE ME
Neil: I will give you this box full of money if you let me take a masturbation-worthy picture of you kissing your wife.
Stephen: All too easy.
Just so we’re totally clear, I was addressing that description to myself.
The best thing about having a gym in Centreborough is that every time I visit it, my townies get a little fitter without my having to do anything.
Naturally, after a long day of working out with your neighbours you all want to soak in your collective sweat juices.
Actually, sure. I’ll soak in her sweat juices. Just let me get my bathing suit.
Nothing like fucking in a public bacteria factory to get your rocks off.
See? I told you. Adorable.
From all angles.
Bradley gives Brandi #1 (I told you, you’ll see) a makeover, nearly putting out her eye with his gigantic schlong in the process.
Compare/contrast. Meh. They’re both a little too… Maxis, aren’t they?
But hey, at least they put out! That counts for a lot.
I had to check Ember’s memories to see who this was, and I forgot in the time it took me to alt-tab back to this file.
Colin Larrea: You will regret this, impudent god-child. I, Colin Larrea, will play a major part in the apocalyptic events to come!
You will play a part, but anyone with a soft skull could play it just as well.
Colin: What? What?
Sorry, didn’t mean to be impudent.
Colin: No, wait! What?
I guess you’re trying, and I should give you credit for that, but I just don’t think this turned out as classy as you hoped it would.
Abigail: IF YOU CAN’T SAY IT, YOU CAN’T HAVE IT
Talk about reward-based learning.
I think Sims must actually get more stupid as they get older. Ever notice how the kids always take these stories in stride, mumbling to themselves and sucking on their hands like they’re bored, but the adults are all bug-eyed and gaping like they can’t believe how real this shit just got?
Finally, all is well in Murphyville.
Stephen: OW! OW! FUCK!
Abigail: Get off! FUCK! That hurts! FUCK! Put the seat back! FUCK!
Stephen: Well, we learned something today.
Abigail: I starved our child until he could speak properly.
Stephen: I taught him a nursery rhyme in my tighty whities.
Abigail: OH GOD TAKE ME TAKE ME NOW
Who’s taking care of your kid right now?
Stephen: Mfffft. I thought you were?
I am your god! I am not your babysitter!
Abigail: I bet this would somehow be a lot more fun under the covers!
Stephen: In our clothes?
Abigail: In our clothes even!
Heh, pretty sure I heard chimes in amongst the fireworks. Stephen shoots no blanks.
Please, let this kid be less boring.
As in, less Stephen.
Neil took this picture with his digital camera. It shows his newly-pregnant wife driving to work while he stays at home, presumably to cheat on her. Athletes, eh? Gotta love ’em!
Speaking of pregnancy; nah, I think I’ll leave you hanging.
Coming up next: babies, butlers, and boobs! Stay tuned.
Comments are always welcome on any entry, no matter its age, and all comments will likely be responded to.
You’ve been warned!