The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 572

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Updates whenever I damn well please!

Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
All naked fake people/fake people having fake sex are 18+ and consenting.

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In which probably sex.

Dagmar: Only probably?

Sullivan: I hope it’s mine.

William: I hope—
Dagmar: At least let your dad have this one.

Dagmar: And by “this one” I mean me.

Neil: What a coincidence! My you-haver is ready.

Neil: Actually, wait a second.

How did you…

Neil: The magic of lazy editing.

Neil: Hey Ally, just wanted to say that I’ve found a new prison and will not be coming to work at yours anymore.

Neil: I made that way less satisfying than I could have.

Neil: At least I got this intangible watch.

Dagmar: We could get you a more tangible retirement present.

Dagmar: If we retire together.

Neil: DEM FEETS

Dagmar: It’s not my fault our bodies are roughly-sketched hell-balloons.

Neil: Can’t you pass, like… a bylaw?

Dagmar: Step into my chambers and we’ll discuss it.

Neil: Is this you asking for a dental checkup?

Neil: Because this is my old man teeth asking for not that.

Neil: Gonna put my own eye out one of these days.

Probably made that joke already, but he and I are both senile, so.

Neil: Hello, operator? I used to be a main character, do I still qualify for one of those “last temptation” things?

Neil: Hey Dags, good hahaha oops almost told you.

Neil: Gonna jerk off on the sheets until she gets here.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Neil! You’re naked!
Neil: Abigail! You’re… here, for some reason.

Neil: I’m not gonna need this, am I.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Can’t speak for you, but I have no intentions towards it.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: But oh baby, your lack of roof is almost enough to get you pity sex.

Neil: Meta jokes are hot.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Why don’t you just fuck the Maker, then?

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Hey, you work at the prison, right?
Neil: Wrong.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: …well, that kills that line of conversation.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Your muscles are so tense!
Neil: That’s not my muscles, that’s my suit.

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You’re really dumb, you know that?

Neil: But I’m really muscley, too!

Neil: How ‘come you and I never got our genitals together, anyway?

Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: The main reason is how much you suck.

Neil: That’s fair, I prefer the woman to be the one who sucks.

Neil: That came out… right. Gotta be honest. Came out just the way I meant it.

Neil: Your muscles are—
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Replaced with space-age fibres of my own design.

Neil: That’s pretty cool.

Neil: Is it true, though?
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Never ask if cool things are true.

Neil: This isn’t gonna be anything, is it.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: You can’t put a square peg in a perfect hole.

Neil: I’ll bet your hole is perfect, too.
Abigail Young the Unambiguously Neutral Witch: Only because I’m very choosy who gets into it.

Neil: I need to find someone less choosy.

Neil: Hey, wanna cameo? Might get you an extra year of life if you play it right.

Bambi: He’s so considerate!

Neil: Let me show you what I’ve been considering.

I have autocorrect macros set up in Word for all the character tags.

When Bambi talks, I type !BAM.

That seemed fun enough to mention.

Neil: I dunno if that was a BAM! kind of kiss, but it was certainly no fizzle.

Bambi: Your suit is so tense!

Neil: Man, attainable women are so provisionally hot.

Neil: Used to be I could attain any of them.
Bambi: Was it comforting to think that was true?

Neil: Stop negging me.

Bambi: Well, start possing thing.

Neil: If that involves starting a posse, I’m sorry to say there are no horses in TS2.

Bambi: We could move to TS—

SHUT THE FUCK UP

Neil: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Dagmar: Thanks for that.

Neil: Doing my part to keep our marriage exciting.

Good luck with that.

The purest example of Pair the Spares I’ve done yet.

Dagmar: Yeah, I think I feel a spare tire coming on.

Neil: Hnh, what? Sorry, you said “coming” and I got excited.

Dagmar: Dang, me too. Do we have time for—

Nope. Next time: jail sex.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 29 May 2013.

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